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Another Day in Paradise

Well for all the swearing he did that he was going to get his act together at the services hearing, I’m surprised that I am saying this evening that bio dad did not show for his visit today.
Visitation consists of waking up early, getting A to either school or to a friend who is willing to watch him now that school is out, and driving one hour to the social services office. I pack diapers for bio dad to use, bottles, food and a blanket for her to play on. I lug all of this in to the office and sit for two hours while they play. (or less if he cuts the visit short, which happens frequently). Today I waited 20 minutes (the required is 15) and then I lugged all of her stuff back to the car and drove an hour back home.
This sucked even more due to the fact that I was up all night with both kids, one teething and one having asthma problems. Both were tired, whiny, and didn’t want to get up. After getting approximately two hours of sleep, I was tired, whiny and didn’t want to get up!!
Since his visits have been lessened to only one time a month, he won’t be able to see her again until mid July. Days like today I just don’t feel the sympathy for him that I usually feel.

The good news is that we got back into town early enough to go to my Aunt’s house and swim!

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Baby girl is SO content in the water. And I know I’ve said it a million times, but this amazes me because she was so terrified of it when she first came to us. It is so fun to watch her lazily float around and splash her hands and enjoy it!

Hopefully tonight we will ALL get some sleep and be rested and be a little bit less of a crabby household tomorrow!

I think the fact that husband is out to dinner tonight at a swanky restaurant in an even swankier seaside town and I’ve been with the two crabsters all day means that HE gets to do the dirty work tonight, right?

To My Friend Alicia

Alicia, over here wrote the kindest, sweetest post about lil ol’ me. I couldn’t comment on it because blogger hates me, so I had to write a post that hopefully she will see. Because I want her to know that I am thanking her from the bottom of my heart for her kindness and support. It’s not every day that you meet someone online or IRL, who is just so incredibly kind.

I am a complete wreck tonight since baby girl has her first visit in over a month with her father. It’s the first visit that I have had to take her to. I want to be supportive, I want to be kind. I want him to be in the right state of mind. Most of all I want this visit to be safe. The SW informed me today that I may have to sit in on the supervised visit, as baby girl might be anxious being handed off to him since she doesn’t really know him. Awkward much? But as I said, I want it to go as smoothly as possible. I do have empathy for the man. He is losing his child. I couldn’t imagine anything more terrible. Will he show? I don’t know. Apparently he is in a very bad state of mind at the moment. And as I said, that is why I hope that he is ok and that we have no troubles at the visit.
Wish me luck and pray for us. This is unknown territory for me and I am scared shitless

SW Visit

Yesterday the social worker came to visit. He reiterated what he said over the phone the day before and threw in yet another zinger. The father said in court yesterday that he doesn’t know if the baby is his. WTF? Then why are you there?

The one family member in question for adopting her is a paternal relative who has not once called back in the 2.5 months since she was first told what needed to be done in order to take baby girl into her care. The mother asked yesterday if baby was with her. That leads me to believe they don’t even have regular contact with this family member. Also, it leads me to believe that the father may have mentioned the questionable paternity. Or, it could be that this YOUNG relative is being pressured to adopt but doesn’t want to. Who knows? I really need to quit speculating.

All I know is that I love this little girl and in my heart I believe she belongs here with us. I have to believe that two fertility cycles, two miscarriages, two d&c procedures and one failed adoption match weren’t just senseless twists of fate. I have to believe that these heartbreaking things happened because of her. Because we were meant to parent her.
I also have learned that I am a fairly warped individual and have come up with several plans to ensure her stay that raise even husbands eyebrow. (Don’t fuck with this new mama bear).

This roller coaster is similar to the 2ww. Or to those first few uncertain weeks of pregnancy. I am still infertile. I am still unsure. I am uneasy. One minute I am elated and the next Im crying. I’m sure she’s staying and then Im thinking I may as well go pack her bags.
But I an in it for the long haul. We are in love.
***UPDATE 5/17: to those who do not understand when someone exaggerates to make a point, I apologize. I know what I said and I am deeply sorry. I guess i shouldn’t have mentioned what most people, including my husband, take as a JOKE. an over exaggeration of real life. I really didn’t mean that I was going to find these people (how? No clue). I have no intention of stealing a child, nor do I have any intention of “plotting” against the parents. Jeez people. I won’t at any time befriend a pregnant person to steal her unborn child. Not to worry my pregnant friends, you will not hear my maniacal laughter as I sit awaiting your labor from the shadows! Rest easy….
I swear to you shit like this is why I stopped writing.