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Over It

I am so over this. Just so damned over it. When will I start to feel normal again? I’m not even talking about emotionally, I’m just talking physically. When will I not feel sick and be in pain? How am I supposed to “move on” when my body just physically won’t let me?  And forget about trying to get a call back from a doctor. I have TWO. A regular OB and a reproductive specialist. Can I get a call from either of them to discuss the fact that one of those “If this happens call your doctor immediately” things is happening? Nope, I sure can’t.

Anyway, I wanted to thank everyone for thier kind comments yesterday. I know that I have lots of people who love me and who are very supportive of me. When I said that I am lonely and alone, I just meant that I don’t know anyone personally who can truely understand what this is like. How hard this is to go through and how alienating it can be.

I do know plenty of people who have had miscarriages and each and every time it happens it is a sad sad thing. My pain is no greater or more important than thiers was, is or will be. There is one difference though. I can not “just try again next month” as one nurse so kindly put it as I lay the operating table taking deep breaths, waiting to drown in anasthesia. My kind of trying doesn’t consist of keeping track of the calendar or peeing on sticks or even waking up every morning at 6:45am to take my temperature, which by the way, I did religously for a year and have the calendar print outs to prove it. Nope, my kind of “trying” involves deciding which six weeks I should spend doubled over in pain, in a constant state of stress and worry, over analyzing every twinge and cramp. It consists of not being able to work out or vacuum the stairs or pick anything up in order to avoid twisting my ovaries. My kind of trying involves major financial descisions. Should we try IVF this month, or should we head to the casino and put it all down on black?