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The Duggar Family II and What Do I Do About Tomorrow Night?

Last night I posted a quick blurb about the Duggar Family’s memorial Pictures of baby Jubilee. I got 1 response, and I thought it was very thoughtful, heartfelt and loving. Here is what I responded with:

“I agree with you 100%. It was a life that was lost. The pictures were heartbreaking. They made me sick with sadness. As someone who has suffered a miscarriage, albiet an early one, I completely understand the loss of life. The loss of what was to be. I know the pain first hand. I think what bothered me about those pictures the most was that I could see them. Me. Not a family member. Not a close friend. Just someone messing around on the internet, looking at hollywood gossip. The death of a fetus is just not Hollywood gossip material. That memorial service was for the family to be able to grieve and to hopefully find closure. NOT for TMZ to post on their website. The Duggar family is considered a freak-show by many. Let’s face it. If they weren’t they wouldnt be garnering as much media attention as they do. That baby’s death should NOT be a part of that. I feel sorry for them in that respect and I do wish them peace. Thank your for your beautiful and touching response”.

When I first saw the pictures on TMZ I DID get sick. I DID want to throw up. I didn’t know what to feel. Seeing the images of that tiny fetus was heartwrenching. How can you not grieve right along with the family when those images tug at your heart? However, I was also angry that I was even seeing those images. Yes, I think they would be amazingly effective for an anti-abortion campaign, rather than the horrifying images that are often used. But this wasn’t an anti-abortion campaign. These were pictures from a private and personal memorial service taken by a grieving mother and father.  I am not afraid to admit that I was disgusted, seeing them on TMZ “Headline News”. Where do we draw the line? When do we just let a family be? When does a family have the right to greive and heal in peace? Maybe they did want to share those pictures. Maybe they do want the world to know that Jubilee was a part of it, if only for a very  short time. But I’m sure that even if that is the case, they can’t be happy that in putting Jubilee out to the world, they have been once again made to look like media attention whores. They have once again been put out there as that “freak family with 19  kids”. Once again, they have been opened up to all the mean and awful people of the world. The people who say that they are glad that she miscarried. That she didn’t deserve another child. Exactly who are we to decide that it was a good thing that Jubilee didnt make it into this world? Who are we to decide that Michelle Dugger didn’t deserve to have that child?

Yes, I have been shocked by the Duggars countless times, just as many others have been. I have wondered why this woman has been blessed by God so many times when I there is nothing I haven’t done to have a baby. I have wondered, if she is in fact correct on the whole blessing by God thing, what have I done that I am not blessed?  And yes, I have made fun of her hair, and guess what? I will continue to make fun of her hair until she gets a new do. But NONE of that makes me feel that she deserved to miscarry. None of that makes me glad that she did not carry that baby to term.

Anyway, enough about that. Back to a more exciting topic. Me! Haha.

Well I got great news today which is that after weeks and weeks of running around, driving to San Diego 3 times, and filling out and faxing countless forms, my mother officially has medi-cal. The oncologist that she will be seeing on Monday takes medi-cal on a special case by case basis and he agreed to follow her when she was in the hospital. Now at least we really do have the coverage when we go in to see him on Monday. I was stressing about telling her that the visit was going to cost $250.00 if it hadn’t gone through. I admit that I was going to wait until the last minute so that she couldn’t get pissed and back out. That is something she would do. She is difficult enough that she would fight it and potentially ruin the relationship with this doctor who has agreed to treat her. She can be a pain. But I love her.

I am doing well. Well in the sense that I am nauseous 100% of the time and peeing at least once if not twice a night. (Yes, I still have a nocturnal pee obsession).I am veiny and last night I sat down to change my pants and woke up an hour later…with no pants.  I know that it worked. In all honesty, it’s just a matter of how well it worked.  Unfortunately all of us know that there is such a thing as being a little bit pregnant. I have to wait and see, and hopefully I will turn out to be a lot pregnant. I will find out tomorrow. And then will begin the wait for Beta #2. And if that goes up, the wait for the ultrasound. And even then, if there is a little guy (or two!) I still won’t be satisfied, because I will have to wait for ultrasound #2, and ultrasound #2 was when it all went to shit last time. I am not sure that I will be satisfied until there is a baby, living and breathing, in my arms. Once upon a time, eight years ago, I got pregnant and there was hardly a doubt in my mind. I was having a baby. My gosh I wish I could return to that type of innocence and just be elated and enjoy…

OH! One last thing. We aren’t telling anyone until we are three months this time. Just in case. But here is the deal. It’s going to be HARD over the holidays. How do I get through without people knowing or guessing?

Example: Tomorrow night we are supposed to do a neighborhood “cocktail crawl”. Several neighbors, a stop at each house for one hour for an appetizer and a holiday drink. Ok. How in the HECK am I supposed to pull off a cocktail crawl? It’s easy to order a glass of wine I already know I hate and then pretend to just be disappointed with it. A cocktail crawl is a whole other story. Ok, If my test is negative or my beta is like 10 tomorrow, the cocktail crawl will be the best thing that ever happened to me. If it is over 100, well I’m going to have to get a flu or something right? Here’s the problem. My one neighbor is a very close friend and we actually planned this night together several months ago. She was incredibly helpful when I went through my fresh cycle. BUT, she also told EVERYONE I was pregnant. Neighbors were stopping me on the street to congratulate me. These same neighbors were also stopping me on the street to tell me how sorry they were a month later. All of these same neighbors will be participating tomorrow night.  We are not close with all of these neighbors, only a few. But we always all come together for things like this. Just to have some fun and keep up the whole goodwill amongst neighbors thing. Some of these neighbors are heavy drinkers. Not only are they heavy drinkers, but they are the “have a drink, why aren’t you having a drink, drink this, what’s wrong with you, why aren’t you drinking?” types. Sadly, I must admit, some of them are also the I can’t stand to be near them when they are drinking if I haven’t had a glass of wine” type of neighbors. You know, the kind that drive you to drink. I am happy, however, that our neighbors with the dogs that I want to kill are going to be at our house. Meaning that their dogs will be in the back yard and they won’t be at home. I am PRAYING that the dogs do their bat-shit crazy barking thing that they do when they aren’t home so that they can finally understand my pain. Maybe I’ll go make them sit in my son’s room so that they know what its like to try and go to sleep with their idiot dogs barking all night.

Ok. So. Any ideas guys? What do I do tomorrow night? How do I pull it off? Many of you I’m sure have hid the fact that you are trying or the fact that you may be pregnant. Ideas? Help? Save me? Please?

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This Post is Mostly about Peeing Which is Weird

Crampy, crampy, crampy, Veiny. Was really worried that I didn’t pee during the night but then realized that the last time I peed was at 12:30am and then when I woke up at 6:40 am. So that’s ok, right?? I’ve been average once a night around 1-1:30-ish and again at 6:30 but I’m usually asleep by 9:00 these days. Last night was late for me. OMG I’m posting about my night time peeing habits. Somebody put me out of my misery!!

5dp6dt

I just feel fat. Plain and simple. I managed only a minimal amount of body inspections today (looking for signs) because I was so busy researching clinical trials for colon cancer. Really that kind of business can take your mind off of any other situations you might feel are stressful. Worried about whether my FET worked or not? Hell no! Who has the time when I have to worry about who is going to pay for my mother’s cancer treatments? So like I said, only like a dozen or so of the “do I feel sick? Was I just dizzy? Am I abnormally tired? Do my boobs hurt more”? Once overs. I didn’t really even feel nauseous today, until now, after eating dinner. Yesterday I felt like something had been happening. Today I feel more like it tried to happen but just didn’t make it. The same ol’ 2 week wait up and down ride I guess.

4dp6dt

I pee’d 3 times in the night last night but don’t know if it counts since I was up giving breathing treatments anyway. Nauseous again all day today. Not bad, but just “off”. Queasy, I’d say, and I’ve been off the prednisone since Friday. I’m LAZY. Of course I can’t get much done with bronchitis boy (second time in 2 months) so I might as well stay in my PJs and watch movies anyway, Right? A little veiny too. I checked before the transfer. None. Today, a few on each side. Never thought I’d be praying for ugly, veiny boobs. But they don’t hurt that bad. Just random shooting things in them. Mild pressure with mild twinges here and there in the lower abdominal area. Nothing crazy, but then, last time I had massive swollen ovaries so I think that was a lot of my insane cramping… I think something tried to happen this time. Whether one sticks, only time will tell. But I think these embies, one or both, at least tried.

We went out Friday night to a nice dinner with friends. I’m not telling anyone where we’re at and what we’re doing. I ordered red wine. I hate red wine. But what better way to throw people off than to order it, have it in front off you, and then complain that it’s just not very good. Tricky, ay? And then we had to leave early cus the little one was starting to get sick. Cover so not blown, but a waste of 12 bucks. Oh well, if it keeps the peanut gallery quiet.

I am just praying to God. This has been the worst year ever. Please, give me something to go on.

Time for the random subject change…all my writer friends out there. How do you stay true and honest with what you write? I think I have my story. But I’m afraid my story will unintentionally hurt others, because as we all know, there are three sides, or more, to every story. I don’t think you can be a real writer until you can get past that.

2dp6dt

Elated, miserable, elated, miserable. Back and forth, back and forth.
I have been nauseous all day. And with heart burn. F you, prednisone, i blame you. Yesterday one teensy tiny drop of blood, so small I’m not sure how I saw it without a microscope. But it was there. Minor twinges here and there but nothing like yesterday. Bloated. Cursed myself for returning belly bands when I miscarried. Woulda been so comfy tonight. Ugh. I’m using belly bands now just to get through treatments? Embarrassing. Tired but I can’t sleep. Saw the most beautiful baby blankets tonight and headbands with giant flowers and pink tutus. I ran my hand across the soft chenille of a blanket and held up a flower to my husband and smiled. And then I set it down and left the store because it made my heart hurt.

I have no…

No progesterone symptoms other than my boobs are a little sore. I am not sick, not dizzy, not tired, not veiny. Nothing smells, I’m not peeing excessively and my dreams are no crazier than usual. I am completely 100% pregnancy symptom free.