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FET Cycle Day 3

Starting to feel better. I think that the side effects are beginning to lessen, and I hope it stays that way. Last night I was very uncomfortable in my own skin and had  a tough time sleeping, but I woke up feeling ok this morning and am still feeling fairly normal.

I did my first unsupervised shot this morning and let me tell ya, I’m already a pro! The trick is icing the site for a minute or two. I can’t feel a thing. I also find it interesting that I am so used to being stuck, I didnt even get all gaggy watching the needle go in to my skin. If anything this whole mess has definitely helped to alleviate some of my doctor related phobias! Surgeries? Who cares! Anasthesia? It’s cool. Needles? Blah. Paps? Whatever. Internal ultrasounds? Bor-ing.

So now I think that I am going to go through this gluten and sugar free cookbook I’ve got and make a run to the grocery store and stock up..I am being so bad with my eating. I am gaining unnecessary weight. I hate it, but at the same time I just don’t care. But I need to care and I need to eliminate this crap from my diet instead of being all half-assed about it. It’s wonderful if I follow it for my daytime meals but it means nothing if we come home and I end up having pizza and a piece of cake. Or sliders, or pizza again. Yea, as you can see I’ve been quite gluttonous this week. ugh.


Feeling Like I Live at the Doctor’s Office and Other Random Thoughts

I have my first therapy appointment on Friday to work on dealing with this whole infertility/miscarriage issue. Then, on Monday, I have a 9am appointment with my regular doctor to see if we need to up my anti-depressant doseage. From there I have a 10:30am appointment with my OB/GYN to make sure that everything is ok on *ahem* that end before we move on to another cycle.

On Tuesday, I get to hop on a plane and fly off to Hawaii. I am SO EXCITED. The level of stress this trip was bringing me is beginning to lessen as the trip gets closer. I want to get out of here so bad. I will be gone for seven days, Tuesday to Tuesday. I refuse to worry about money, or taking money away from my FET fund in order to go on this trip. I will have a good time with my family. I will NOT stress.

On Wednesday, the day after we get back I will wake up, drop my son off at school, and head to the REs office for the sonohystogram that I just scheduled today. I seriously feel like I go to the doctor more than anybody. Ever. I may actually be starting to develop a complex over it. Thats how much I go to the doctor…Just wait until I add in the acupuncture appointments, which I plan on doing just as soon as we’re back from vacation.

I have also been trying harder to eat gluten free. This whole endometriosis diet is SO hard to do though! I know it’ll be worth it, but there are so many things that you CAN’T eat, It’s hard to remember! I went to El Pollo Loco today and got a salad that basically just had lettuce, tomato and avocado on it, with a little bit of cojita cheese. (I think dairy will be the last thing I give up, I’m saddest about that). I also ordered a soft taco on a corn tortilla, because I was afraid that a plate of lettuce smothered in mild salsa wouldn’t be satisfying and I didn’t want to find myself looking for a snack before dinner. Well I ordered a STEAK taco, and was 1/2 way done eating it before I realized that I’m not supposed to be eating RED MEAT!!! UGH!! Oh well I guess its okay though, as I eat red meat very infrequently as it is. Not even once a week, often times even less than that. But still. It is by far the hardest diet in the world to follow, especially when you are on the go and starving. I will definately need to become one of those people who makes all thier meals on Sundays and freezes them to eat throughout the week. Thats the only way I can see making this work. So anyway, for right now I guess I’m really just trying to go gluten and sugar free, the red meat will follow, and then finally dairy. =(

I went to the dentist yesterday and had my bite fixed finally. OH MY GOODNESS. You have no idea how good it feels to have be able to close my jaw all the way. My excruciating headache went to a dull throb within minutes of having it fixed, and now the pain is gone.

Well thats about all that is going on with me…I want to wish good luck and send prayers out to a couple of people whos blogs I have been reading, who have quite a bit going on right now. Hopefully you know who you are. I will be thinking of you!

I’ll Be Hanging the Shame Curtain Now…

How does one go about trying to start a “lifestyle” change diet without throwing everything in the pantry and fridge out and having to spend a ton of money starting over?

Weeeellll, so far, for tomorrow night, I have decided on roasted green beans (I have the green beans and all the herbs except one that I will have to pick up) and a salad with home made tomato basil viniagrette (I have the lettuce, etc, just need to get one or two ingredients for the dressing) to go along with spagetti (turkey and I will use the small amount of gluten free noodles that I have in the cupboard for my portion). This is a brand new cook-book and I haven’t made these things before, so I’ll let you know if they’re any good. Anyway, I figure that since dinner is usually my biggest meal, the one that I sit down to with family, I will start there. If I can get at least my portions of dinner gluten/dairy/sugar free, that will be a good start. I guess I’ll work backwards from there. I usually bring lean cuisenes to work with me and I just bought a bunch so I’m gonna have to go through those before  can start working on that meal. They’re just to expensive to trash. PLUS, I really want to try and stick with this, and I know myself and I know that if I try and go all crazy all at once, I will be less likely to do so. It a pretty hard core change to try and follow this. Thats why I’ve never done it before. Because looking at the Endometriosis Diet list, after you exclude all the bad food, it really doesn’t seem like there is anything left. Especially not for a person that could live off of bean and cheese burritos.

Anyway, the other thing that I’ve decided to face today is that I am depressed. Like seriously depressed. Wow. Infertile AND Depressed. I’ve got TWO things goin on that one should NEVER talk about or tell people! Someone hang the shame curtain… I can’t get through a day without crying, multiple times, I can’t get through a day without telling myself that I am no good, that I am defective, that I will never have what I want most in the world. And it’s getting worse. Not better. This not normal behavior, but at least I realize this. I have struggled with depression in the past, and I can honestly say that this is far worse than anything I have been through before. I made a doctor appointment today. The soonest they can get me in Thursday, but hopefully Thursday I’ll be able to come up with a plan to get myself out of this fog. So not only will I be talking to doc about switching my BC, which is causing extreme acne as well as what I believe to be some sort of extra-psycho PMS, I will also be speaking to her about anti-depressants. My RE said to let my doc know that I will be trying to get pregnant probably at the beginning of the year, and that they should prescribe accordingly. Then I will just need to let my RE know what is prescribed so that they know if weaning off of an anti-depressant will be a part of my next cycle. One major thing that I am trying NOT to freak out about is weight gain with the anti-depressants. I had a hard time with Lexarpo in the past and when I switched to Wellbutrin because it didn’t have the weight gain effect, I found the Wellbutrin to be much less effective. (But I lost weight!) Thats another reason i REALLY want to get this healthy eating thing under my belt. I know, I know, don’t worry about weight, worry about getting healthy. Easy to say, but I know that gaining more weight will more than likely cause me to be more upset, feel worse about myself and have even lower self-esteem. I know that I have to be careful. Which is why I ate cheeseburger for dinner. (Wow! This chick really is nutso, she just went on and on about eating healthy and needing to feel good about herself and is now saying that healthy eating is why she ate a cheeseburger!) No but really, I ate a stupid burger and fries for dinner completely wiping out any good my crap work out did me today (STUPID ENDO PAIN!) and giving myself what will hopefully be my last dalliance with red meat and fried foods for a while.  Plus, I spent most of my day crying. It’s obvious that a burger and fries was the only reasonable dinner choice to restore and replenish whatever it is that your body loses when you spend all day in tears.

I was able to lay down with a heating pad, castor oil pack for an hour and now I have just the heating pad on my back. When I get the kid into bed I’ll be taking an epsom salt bath to hopefully relieve some of the tension in my lower back. Then I’ll be crawling into bed and hopefully sleeping the night through, waking up rested and able to actually pull myself out of bed and make it though a day without acting like some psycho PMS monster. Lofty goals, I know….