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Tag Archives: secondary infertility

What Grief (Doesn’t) Look Like

Grief: That feeling, like I’m having my heart ripped out and being gutted, leaving a huge gaping hole where my stomach once was. It’s such a strong feeling I could fall to the ground a curl up in to a ball right there. But I don’t. You probably wouldn’t even notice that this feeling is moving through me  with such force, ripping me to shreds. A quick look may pass across my face, there may be a pause to my step, but otherwise you’d never know.

Silver Lining

Well I FINALLY got some good news today. As I stated in earlier posts, Husband and I considered adoption and looked in to it before even knowing that we would have problems conceiving on our own. We kicked the idea around. After determing that we were in fact “fertility challenged”, we went through the ENTIRE adoption process, beginning last August, and were completely approved by the county in March of this year. The hold up, as stated before, was that I have no fingerprints, and could not, for the life of me, get approval from the state of California. So this afternoon I got an email from the state adoption worker. My manual background check PASSED! (Like I really was worried it wouldnt-I was more concerned with how long it would take.) The amazing thing is that it has taken since November 16, 201o to go through 3 failed livescans, only to be approved manually in 10 days. I can not stress enough how badly I needed this silver lining. If you have ever or are currently walking in my shoes, you understand what even the smallest victory can feel like.

From where I sit right now, I DO NOT want to do another IVF, even though we paid up front for two rounds. It was the most difficult, emotionally draining and not to mention expensive thing I have ever gone through. I DO NOT want to do an FET, as the pessimist in me is convinced that if I miscarried on the fresh cycle, the FET is bound to not work. I also worry that since the 1st IVF DID take, if only for a short time, the odds of the FET even ending in a pregnancy, no matter how short lived, are low. What if I already used up my one positive? Does it work like that? Anyway, maybe I’ll feel differently in the future. I just don’t know.

Ok, so here’s something I may not have mentioned, because I haven’t really explained much about our reasons for our infertility struggles. Heres the thing. We have what is considered to be secondary infertility. Meaning I have an almost 7 year old son who was concieved naturally, though it did take quite a while. We DON’T know if the problems were already there, and just not “as bad”, or if he truely is a miracle baby that beat all the odds that were stacked against him. He is my life, my love, and my everything. We always wanted for him to have siblings but we also wanted him to have the chance to be “the baby” and to have us on his own for a while. We figured 4 years age difference would be perfect for our family. Would things be different if we hadn’t waited? He is now almost 7, no sign of a sibling in sight. I feel so much guilt regarding this fact. It eats me up and it keeps me awake at night. An “only child”. I feel like I’ve somehow done a disservice to him. He asks for a brother or a sister, he asks why God keeps giving other people babies and not us.

SECONDARY INFERTILITY; 5 Things You Shouldn’t Say:

  1. You already have one child, why do you need another?”….Ummm ok. so all you fertile, able to make a baby at the drop of a hat people, when you got pregnant for the second time, did anyone say to you “So why are you having this one? You already have one, isnt that good enough?” NO. NOBODY would question a pregnant woman’s wish to have another child,  sans the opportunity to interview the Duggars, 19 kids and counting. EVEN I WOULD question that…
  2. “It’s God’s will“..You know what? Maybe it is. But when you’ve been trying to get pregnant for 3 years and have a misscarriage, for a little while there, you might not care WHO’s will it is. It just feels unfair, unnecessary and it totally sucks.
  3. “Why would you want to adopt? You have no idea what you’re going to get”…GUESS WHAT, smarty, you have no idea what you’re gonna get when you have a biological child either. Isn’t it all kind of luck of the draw, no matter which way you look at it? I could give birth to a baby who grows up to be a sociopath. So could you. I could adopt an infant who grows up to be a completely normal, successful, contributing member of society.
  4. “Why would you pay THAT MUCH money to have a baby?”…  Well look at you, Fertile Myrtle, lucky you, you don’t have to pay. I do. For something that should be just normal human nature. Human physiology. Just the way things work. Do you think I want it to be this way? Because I don’t. I want it to work the old fashioned way more than anything. Unfortunately, thats just not in the cards. And, in the wise words of my grandfather who had six children of his own, has counteless grandchildren and several great-grandchildren, you can’t put a price on family. In the end, its really the only thing that matters.
  5. “Why can’t you just be happy with what you have?”… I AM happy with what I have. But I also want another child. And that is okay. Is there nothing that you don’t want for yourself that you can’t obtain right at this moment? Nobody wants a new car, a new house, or maybe a new job? There is a place in my heart for another child that is not with us yet, but that hopefully someday will be. I want to fill that hole.