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It’s been so long since I’ve posted that I forgot my password. I had to reset it.

I don’t really know where I’ve been. I’ve been in a great state of avoidance. I’ve been keeping tabs of those of you on twitter although I haven’t had too much to say. What is wrong with me? I don’t know. Well, maybe I do. I’m doing so well with “dealing”. But it’s not really dealing. I think about writing all of the time, but I fear that if I start, the emotions will come out. The dam will break, it will flow, and it will never ever stop.

I think I am done. We still have 3 frosties and one prepaid fresh cycle that would cost only the meds and ICSI out of pocket. At this point, the answer is no. We still haven’t determined why 5 embryos would fail. Why two would implant but one fetus would leave us at 7.5 weeks and one would fail to grow. I am still waiting on the genetic test results from the last miscarriage. I have a feeling that lab messed up and that I may never get those results. Does it matter? Not really I guess, unless I’d like to use the information going forward with more fertility treatments.

For now I am on the pill. Give my brain and the endo a rest. Revisit at a later time. Or never.

The news of  Mo this week threw me through a loop. Poor, Poor Mo. Poor Shmerson. Losing sweet baby Nadav. What a beatiful and kind hearted person she is, what a beautiful tiny little boy to have lost. She is such a strong woman. I don’t know that I could be that strong. I have been thinking about her constantly. Thinking about whether the attempts are worth the heartache. Of course they are worth it if the procedures work, but for those of us who lose what is so so precious to us, is it worth it? And for Mo to loose what she lost. I know it was worth it to know Nadav even for that short time. She will carry him in her heart always.  My heart is cracked in two. I imagine hers is smashed into a million tiny pieces.

Being a part of this community is both beautiful and unbearably painful. There is so much sadnes here but there is also so much strength. So much resilience. I fear I can’t match up to those who posess such strengths. As I flounder and put my energies into useless, meaningless things just to keep my mind busy I wonder if any of you do the same or if I am just appaulingly weak.

Aloha!

Wow. It has been ages since I have been on and I have missed my blogging friends. But lemme tell ya, a week of in Maui is just what the doctor ordered. But, as the world continues to go round even when you are taking a break, things still happened here. I came back to total chaos! Whens my next vacation?! it was so nice to not be a part of reality. I ate whatever I wanted. (To the great detriment of my obvious gluten intolerance. Hello bloating!) I drank mimosa’s for breakfast and had wine with dinner and napped and was in bed by 10pm every night. I layed out by the pool and on the beach and rode in a submarine and snorkled with giant sea turtles. And it couldn’t have been better.

Let’s see…On the fertility front…

The only thing that bothered me in Hawaii was that I’m not pregnant. When we made the plans, I was. And we were planning for me to be going into my 4th month on the trip. I didn’t think going would effect me how it did. But it did. That old familiar friend, the feeling of loss, decided to come along. I tried hard to shake him, and for the most part I did. There were just a few times that I couldn’t get him off my tail. See? It’s a fact that infertility clouds your judgement and makes you delusional. Who in thier right mind would be sad about not being pregnant in Hawaii for goodness sake?

My first day back, after not getting home until 1am (and spending all day either on a plane or in a car) I had to drag my butt out of bed and head down, an hour away, for my SHG. Luckily, it wasn’t as horrid as I expected it to be. Quick and easy. Ok, the fact that I slipped myself a vicodin a half an hour before may have helped, but hey. I was tired, cranky, and not in the mood for pain.

The good news is, my SHG was clear. No scarring, no polyps, no fibroids. Just one beautiful uterine cavity waiting to house a fetus.

Next step: FET consult appointment to get calendar and prescriptions. 2 Grade AA, lovely little embryos, just waiting for a home.