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I have no…

No progesterone symptoms other than my boobs are a little sore. I am not sick, not dizzy, not tired, not veiny. Nothing smells, I’m not peeing excessively and my dreams are no crazier than usual. I am completely 100% pregnancy symptom free.

Hope (?)

Let me just start by saying that my husband suprised me by making it to the appointment this morning. There he was, as I was pulling in, waiting on the sidewalk. That means so much to me. I don’t really talk about husband all that much, mostly out of respect for his privacy, but I have to say that things haven’t been easy. Infertility sucks. It sucks for the woman, it sucks for the man and it sucks for the couple. We both deal with our emotions in completely different ways. I pull into myself. I want quiet. I want to think. I want to reflect. I want to be alone. He has a hard time with that. So he tries to pull me out. Which makes me retreat further. Its been this totally unhealthy dance, backward and forward, pulling, pushing, pulling, pushing. I recently made the conscious effort to try and come out on my own. Be  more open. Not just totally shut down. Its been hard but it I can honestly say that I am seeing some positive results. In the end, we love each other. We may not like the way things are going, or what is happening, but we both have the same end goal at heart; to raise our children in a happy and loving home.

So anyway, back to the appointment.

DR: “Well it would’ve been nice if you would have done the chromosomal testing because then we wouldn’t be sitting here going over the what ifs and we’d have a more definative answer”.

Husband: “The PA told us not to. There was such a high chance it would be inconclusive, she said it wouldn’t be worth it”.

DR: “That was the OB/GYN. They don’t deal with pregnancy loss in the same way we do”.

ME: “No, it was the PA”.

DR. “Well whether it was the doctor or her PA”…

H: “NO, it was YOUR PA”.

DR.: My PA would’ve never said that, thats not how we do it here”. Gets noticeably…angry? frustrated? uncomfortable?

H: “Well she did. I don’t remember her name but she was brand new at the time. She told us it was her first week working for you”.

So ya. There was that “uncomfortable” moment where husband and I knew we were right, but I’m also sitting there silently praying that husband will back down because I don’t want the man that literally has posession of our future offspring to hate us.

“ME”: Ok, well either way, we did what was recommended at the time, and we can’t take it back. Moving on”.

H: “This has been really hard on her. She has post-partum and everything and it seems like the minute she miscarried you were done with us”.

Doctor is again visibly agitated, I’m uncomfortable, and I wan’t to talk uteruses and embryos with the man. Husband, bless his heart is trying to protect me, but I need closure on this miscarriage and to move forward.

ME: “I’d rather not discuss the emotions of a miscarriage at this point. Can we please get back to my uterus”.

Let me say that I’m completely 100% on husband’s side here. But like I said, DR. is a very good DR., and I don’t really want turn his office against us before we go through another procedure. I’m a wimp when it comes to that kind of stuff, what can I say? I pick my battles carefully, especially when my opponent has posession of my 6 embryos.

And speaking of embryos. Yes, we have 6. 2: good/good; 2: good/fair 2: fair/fair. (They are rated good, fair or poor at this clinic). The 2 embryos transferred in June were good/good. So am I optimistic? I’m not sure yet. Cus the 2 good/good ones didn’t work before.

So I am waiting on an authorization from my insurance company to see if they will pay for a sonohystogram, which, THANK GOODNESS, is not the same as the HSG (painfully shooting dye through your fallopian tubes). The SHG, which I will be  having, shoots saline into your uterus and is suposedly not painful. Supposedly. It will be used to make sure that the removal of the uterine septum didn’t leave behind any scarring that could have contributed to my miscarriage. WAIT A SECOND. Didn’t I remove the septum because a lack of blood flow, should the embryo implant on the septum, would cause a miscarriage? And now we’re wondering if lack of blood flow caused by scarring from removal of the septum caused the miscarriage? ARGH.

BUT, he doesn’t think that is what it was. (But we don’t know for sure because we are morons who didn’t have the tissue tested)

SOOOOO, I am to STAY ON THE BIRTH CONTROL cus the SHG has to be performed while on birth control. (ick, I REALLY hope this new pack isn’t as bad as the last).

Heres how it could play out…

1) Birth control. (check)

2) Sonohystogram this month (pending)

3) Start Estrogen pills to build up uterine lining in 2-3 weeks if SHG checks out.

4) Begin progesterone when lining is optimal

5) “Day 6” transfer of 2 embryos right before Thanksgiving.

There is also some lupron in there somewhere, but I’m fuzzy on that particular detail. I am DEATHLY afraid of Lupron. DEATHLY. I have only heard horror stories about it. I didn’t have it with my last cycle, I was suppressed only with birth control pills. I’m scared…

So anyway, we’ll see. Husband wants to jump on the band wagon immediately and hopefully do another transfer before Thanksgiving. And of course I want to too. But I also know that with Christmas and car registrations and a freakin trip to Hawaii, its gonna be hard to pull off. REALLY HARD. Of course if we waited until January we’d be using money out of husband’s “loyalty bonus” so maybe it would be ok for the money to sit on a credit card for a month? I dunno. I just don’t know. These are some tough decisions. Being a grown up is hard. Remember being young and not ready for kids just yet and taking birth control to actually not get pregnant? And not just as the start of some crazy chemical cocktail to  hopefully get and keep you pregnant? UGH.