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Wow. It has been ages since I have been on and I have missed my blogging friends. But lemme tell ya, a week of in Maui is just what the doctor ordered. But, as the world continues to go round even when you are taking a break, things still happened here. I came back to total chaos! Whens my next vacation?! it was so nice to not be a part of reality. I ate whatever I wanted. (To the great detriment of my obvious gluten intolerance. Hello bloating!) I drank mimosa’s for breakfast and had wine with dinner and napped and was in bed by 10pm every night. I layed out by the pool and on the beach and rode in a submarine and snorkled with giant sea turtles. And it couldn’t have been better.

Let’s see…On the fertility front…

The only thing that bothered me in Hawaii was that I’m not pregnant. When we made the plans, I was. And we were planning for me to be going into my 4th month on the trip. I didn’t think going would effect me how it did. But it did. That old familiar friend, the feeling of loss, decided to come along. I tried hard to shake him, and for the most part I did. There were just a few times that I couldn’t get him off my tail. See? It’s a fact that infertility clouds your judgement and makes you delusional. Who in thier right mind would be sad about not being pregnant in Hawaii for goodness sake?

My first day back, after not getting home until 1am (and spending all day either on a plane or in a car) I had to drag my butt out of bed and head down, an hour away, for my SHG. Luckily, it wasn’t as horrid as I expected it to be. Quick and easy. Ok, the fact that I slipped myself a vicodin a half an hour before may have helped, but hey. I was tired, cranky, and not in the mood for pain.

The good news is, my SHG was clear. No scarring, no polyps, no fibroids. Just one beautiful uterine cavity waiting to house a fetus.

Next step: FET consult appointment to get calendar and prescriptions. 2 Grade AA, lovely little embryos, just waiting for a home.


The End

So I guess I’ll start at the end cus thats where I’m at right now. The end of what you ask? I’m not sure. The end of a chance? The end of a short but much wanted pregnancy? The end of my rope? I guess if I was a glass half full person I could say that this is the beginning of a new chance. But I’m not. A glass half full person that is. I am sensitive and dramatic and sometimes a defeatest. I tend to expect the worst and secretly hope for the best. It’s a genetic trait. Ask anyone in my family. I try my hardest not to jinx anything. And I’m serious about it. There are two ways in which I jinxed this pregnancy. First, I told people about it after we saw our first healthy heart beat. Second, I bought bigger pants. I swear thats all it took. My belly was a growin, I bought new pants as not to use the rubber band through the belt loop method to keep them up, and bam. Two days later the fetal heart rate was down to 60, and two days after that it was gone. I can’t help but think that if I had just kept my pants up with that rubber band…

So what do you do when you’ve spent much of your life savings on IVF after trying unsuccessfully for nearly three years only to have a miscarriage? Heres what I have done so far:

  1. Cried and cried and then cried some more.
  2. Intermitently threw items in close proximity and repeatedly kicked the wall
  3. Yelled at God
  4. Refused to eat
  5. Ate a bunch of junk food
  6. Googled
  7. Gathered all of my medical records and did research so that on the day of my confirmation ultrasound I could have a conversation with my specialist’s nurse that my husband could not follow or understand. I’m expecting my honorary Doctorate in Reproductive Medicine to come in the mail any day now.
  8. Railed against modern science. My honorary degree will be useless, as I firmly believe that reproductive medicine is a big crock of crap right now. But I suppose it’ll look good on my resume.

So where do I go from here? I really don’t know. Im 12lbs over weight. “What?!”