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Queen of PMS

I am Queen PMS. Find me a crown and a cape.
I am anxious and tearful and sad.
I am angry that I allowed myself to be hurt by someone I do not know and that does not know me. Thick skin? No stinking way. I am as thin skinned as they come. I can somehow let one hateful comment shut me down completely.
I know my intentions are good. I know that the love I feel is pure.
There are adoption haters, there are ART haters. We can’t win.
Do I think that I don’t deserve more children because God made me barren? And what is barren? Unproductive; Unfruitful. I’m actually neither. I have fantastically young and well producing ovaries, thankyouverymuch. It just so happens that my other half is *ahem*, unfruitful. So do I think that? that God has decided I’m unworthy? That my husband is unworthy? No. I think that we are given challenges, just like everyone else. Different challenges perhaps, but we all have them. Difficult, heartbreaking and seemingly unfair challenges. But it’s what WE DO about those challenges.
Many days I want to, and have, pulled the blankets up over my head and cried. I have questioned my worthiness. I have wondered, why me?
But as I’ve said before, maybe this is why. Because there are children who need homes. NOT because I am a psychotic baby stealer, but because some children are born into unfit homes. Because some children are malnourished and neglected. Because some children are dealt a shitty hand. Is that my fault? No. Is it the child’s fault? Most definitely not. Do they deserve to sit in foster care year after year, in case the parents finally decide get Their act together? No. They deserve permanency. They deserve love and hot meals and clean diapers.
If I can and am willing to provide that, how in the world does that make me a psycho baby stealer?
When we first got baby girl I experienced guilt that I didn’t think I would. Guilt because someone is losing their baby. But that IS NOT my fault. They were given every chance, fair and square. I’m just here to pick up the pieces, so to speak.
Anyway…that’s all for now. My heart hurts tonight. I will move on, but I’m having a hard time. Blame it on the PMS?
UPDATE: I would KILL for a bag of chips..oh wait, don’t alert the authorities, It’s a figure of speech. I promise no one will die over Ruffles

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Welcome to Crazy Town, Population 1

Holy Wow. I am a raving lunatic today. Like a full-fledged crazy. What triggered it? I have NO IDEA. I think maybe the fact that my cramps are getting progressively worse. Like It hurts to stand up all the way straight kinda worse. I just don’t want them. Don’t want what they represent. Don’t want them.

Does anyone have any idea, can birth control pills cause extreme insanity during PMS? Like PMS x 1000? I mean beside the acne they’re causing, and the extreme difficulty in losing weight even with watching my diet and running 3-4 miles a day. But ok, the acne and the weight “plateu” I can deal with. This insanity? This calling my husband on the phone and making to him listen to me cry because I have no idea why I’m crying and all I know is that I can’t stop and that I’m drowning in emotions I can’t even begin to name muchless explain? I can’t handle this. I’m sure he can’t handle this. I just want to go home and go to bed. In fact, I think I will. Or at least go home to a heating pad. I want to go home and be happy, dammit, and smile and have a good time with my family and not feel like I am doing everything I can to keep my head above water.

Ok so on a lighter note, anyone with endo ever buy the endo-resolve (or similar) endometriosis diet book? Worth the money? Anyone have any brilliant body changes by changing thier diet or is it all a bunch of hooplah? Oh ok, I’ll admit it, I’m at the point that I’m all about hooplah and trying ANYTHING that might work. I mean hello, my bathroom counter looks like the vitamin isle at Walgreens. Who’s blog was it that I read that she called the unborn baby psychic? Can I get that number? =) AYYYYYYGAAAADDDDD… See? NUTS, I tell you! (no offense to the unborn baby psychic caller-I totally feel you). And then, there is an acupuncturist in my town that actually acts as a medium for your body and allows your body to speak to you. I went to her once on accident not knowing that my body would have so much to say (or that the body-medium thing would even happen) but now? I may go back. I’d like to have a little chit-chat with this freaking endometriosis and tell it to back the hell down, while also finding out what the hell it exactly has against me to be causing me so much pain?

OMG. anyway, like I said, Crazytown, population 1, thats me…