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My Story

I can honestly say that I went through hell this weekend and made it out the other side. I want to record what happened here. If you are worried about TMI, I understand if you don’t wish to continue reading. However, I was very thankful for DeadCowGirl’s account of what she went through during her miscarriage. I’d like to provide the same for others who are both scared as hell and wondering what might happen to them.

01/03/2011: 9am appointment at 6 Week 5 Day scan shows only a gestational sac. Sac is measuring on target. Nurse says she will consult with doc about whether we will wait for another scan or stop meds. Nurse asks whether I prefer a natural miscarraige or a D&C. As I had just had a D&C 5 months ago and was concerned about scarring, I told her I’d like to try and do it naturally. She warned me of the time it may take and the pain involved. 4pm the nurse calls and says Dr. K is “comfortable” with my stopping the meds. I do not take my evening doses.

01/04 & 01/05: I have cramps here and there but am still experiencing pregnancy symptoms. At this point I am considering D&C because it is mentally strenuous to be throwing up and having all the other symptoms of pregnancy knowing that you aren’t really pregnant. On 01/05 in the afternoon the RE’s office calls and says it will be $2900 to perform the D&C if I use my insurance, $2200 if I don’t. I laugh really hard. My decision is made. I will not be paying nearly as much as I paid to have the embryos transferred, to have them removed. On Thursday we have to go to a colleague’s house about an hour away and sign business documents. I am cramping but trying to play it cool. We take a winding mountain road home. At the bottom of the pass we pull into the parking lot of a liquor store and I vomit into a trash can and cry. For a full ten minutes.

01/06: Cramps increase througout the day although I don’t have any type of spotting until later that night. I go out and buy ginormous, heavy flow pads. At approximately 8pm it starts, although it remains fairly light throughout much of the next day.

01/07: I am on the couch for much of the day with cramps. I am taking norcos, which make me a little bit more high than vicodin does, but which I am apparently not allergic to. Husband has friends over and tries to keep everyone outside, but I have kids coming in and out of the house most of the day and have to see my brother-in-law and two of his friends a couple of times. I’m sure they were frightened by me, as I looked a hellish mess. I went to bed at around 8:30pm and slept like crap. Took a norco every four hours.

01/08: Got up at 8am and sat on the toilet. I was in excruciating pain and last does of painkiller had worn off. Husband had fallen asleep in the playroom with son so I was alone. I screamed his name, yelled out in pain, texted him twice and called his phone. He finally came in at about 8:30. By  8:40am I had managed to produce a small bowel movement and nothing more. I went back to bed. For the next 3.5 hours I proceeded to have contraction like cramps every one to two minutes. The pain was pretty intense. Husband stayed with me for most of that time. At right about noon, I felt something leaking. I went into the bathroom and sat down on the toilet. Over the next ten minutes I passed everything. It was painful and scary and felt like nothing I had every felt in my life. I was extremely hot and was sweating and shaking uncontrollably. Husband was downstairs so I called to him and he came in. He sat with me until I was finished. Just as the flow was ending I lost it mentally for a minute. I was sobbing and couldn’t stop. Husband Helped me get back to the bed and lay down. I couldn’t look at what was in there, but he did, and confirmed that it looked as though the sac and everything had passed. I continued to cramp for the next hour or so but it was much less intense. I got up to check my pad, and oddly, there was hardly any blood on it. I sat down on the toilet and passed a little bit more. I decided then that I wanted to shower, which I did but it was extemely difficult because I was so incredibly weak.

Since then I have been laying in bed drinking juice and looking at Pinterst. I just ate a couple of rolled tacos. I’m no longer cramping at all and just feel incredibly tired. All in all it took 6 days from my confirmation ultrasound to finish. It has not been an easy week. I am thankful for all my blogger and twitter friends who have had similar awful experiences and who helped me get through. And helped me stay somewhat sane.

I wish it didn’t have to happen this way, but I am thankful that I  have gotten through it.

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Over It

I am so over this. Just so damned over it. When will I start to feel normal again? I’m not even talking about emotionally, I’m just talking physically. When will I not feel sick and be in pain? How am I supposed to “move on” when my body just physically won’t let me?  And forget about trying to get a call back from a doctor. I have TWO. A regular OB and a reproductive specialist. Can I get a call from either of them to discuss the fact that one of those “If this happens call your doctor immediately” things is happening? Nope, I sure can’t.

Anyway, I wanted to thank everyone for thier kind comments yesterday. I know that I have lots of people who love me and who are very supportive of me. When I said that I am lonely and alone, I just meant that I don’t know anyone personally who can truely understand what this is like. How hard this is to go through and how alienating it can be.

I do know plenty of people who have had miscarriages and each and every time it happens it is a sad sad thing. My pain is no greater or more important than thiers was, is or will be. There is one difference though. I can not “just try again next month” as one nurse so kindly put it as I lay the operating table taking deep breaths, waiting to drown in anasthesia. My kind of trying doesn’t consist of keeping track of the calendar or peeing on sticks or even waking up every morning at 6:45am to take my temperature, which by the way, I did religously for a year and have the calendar print outs to prove it. Nope, my kind of “trying” involves deciding which six weeks I should spend doubled over in pain, in a constant state of stress and worry, over analyzing every twinge and cramp. It consists of not being able to work out or vacuum the stairs or pick anything up in order to avoid twisting my ovaries. My kind of trying involves major financial descisions. Should we try IVF this month, or should we head to the casino and put it all down on black?