RSS Feed

Tag Archives: mom

The Duggar Family II and What Do I Do About Tomorrow Night?

Last night I posted a quick blurb about the Duggar Family’s memorial Pictures of baby Jubilee. I got 1 response, and I thought it was very thoughtful, heartfelt and loving. Here is what I responded with:

“I agree with you 100%. It was a life that was lost. The pictures were heartbreaking. They made me sick with sadness. As someone who has suffered a miscarriage, albiet an early one, I completely understand the loss of life. The loss of what was to be. I know the pain first hand. I think what bothered me about those pictures the most was that I could see them. Me. Not a family member. Not a close friend. Just someone messing around on the internet, looking at hollywood gossip. The death of a fetus is just not Hollywood gossip material. That memorial service was for the family to be able to grieve and to hopefully find closure. NOT for TMZ to post on their website. The Duggar family is considered a freak-show by many. Let’s face it. If they weren’t they wouldnt be garnering as much media attention as they do. That baby’s death should NOT be a part of that. I feel sorry for them in that respect and I do wish them peace. Thank your for your beautiful and touching response”.

When I first saw the pictures on TMZ I DID get sick. I DID want to throw up. I didn’t know what to feel. Seeing the images of that tiny fetus was heartwrenching. How can you not grieve right along with the family when those images tug at your heart? However, I was also angry that I was even seeing those images. Yes, I think they would be amazingly effective for an anti-abortion campaign, rather than the horrifying images that are often used. But this wasn’t an anti-abortion campaign. These were pictures from a private and personal memorial service taken by a grieving mother and father.  I am not afraid to admit that I was disgusted, seeing them on TMZ “Headline News”. Where do we draw the line? When do we just let a family be? When does a family have the right to greive and heal in peace? Maybe they did want to share those pictures. Maybe they do want the world to know that Jubilee was a part of it, if only for a very  short time. But I’m sure that even if that is the case, they can’t be happy that in putting Jubilee out to the world, they have been once again made to look like media attention whores. They have once again been put out there as that “freak family with 19  kids”. Once again, they have been opened up to all the mean and awful people of the world. The people who say that they are glad that she miscarried. That she didn’t deserve another child. Exactly who are we to decide that it was a good thing that Jubilee didnt make it into this world? Who are we to decide that Michelle Dugger didn’t deserve to have that child?

Yes, I have been shocked by the Duggars countless times, just as many others have been. I have wondered why this woman has been blessed by God so many times when I there is nothing I haven’t done to have a baby. I have wondered, if she is in fact correct on the whole blessing by God thing, what have I done that I am not blessed?  And yes, I have made fun of her hair, and guess what? I will continue to make fun of her hair until she gets a new do. But NONE of that makes me feel that she deserved to miscarry. None of that makes me glad that she did not carry that baby to term.

Anyway, enough about that. Back to a more exciting topic. Me! Haha.

Well I got great news today which is that after weeks and weeks of running around, driving to San Diego 3 times, and filling out and faxing countless forms, my mother officially has medi-cal. The oncologist that she will be seeing on Monday takes medi-cal on a special case by case basis and he agreed to follow her when she was in the hospital. Now at least we really do have the coverage when we go in to see him on Monday. I was stressing about telling her that the visit was going to cost $250.00 if it hadn’t gone through. I admit that I was going to wait until the last minute so that she couldn’t get pissed and back out. That is something she would do. She is difficult enough that she would fight it and potentially ruin the relationship with this doctor who has agreed to treat her. She can be a pain. But I love her.

I am doing well. Well in the sense that I am nauseous 100% of the time and peeing at least once if not twice a night. (Yes, I still have a nocturnal pee obsession).I am veiny and last night I sat down to change my pants and woke up an hour later…with no pants.  I know that it worked. In all honesty, it’s just a matter of how well it worked.  Unfortunately all of us know that there is such a thing as being a little bit pregnant. I have to wait and see, and hopefully I will turn out to be a lot pregnant. I will find out tomorrow. And then will begin the wait for Beta #2. And if that goes up, the wait for the ultrasound. And even then, if there is a little guy (or two!) I still won’t be satisfied, because I will have to wait for ultrasound #2, and ultrasound #2 was when it all went to shit last time. I am not sure that I will be satisfied until there is a baby, living and breathing, in my arms. Once upon a time, eight years ago, I got pregnant and there was hardly a doubt in my mind. I was having a baby. My gosh I wish I could return to that type of innocence and just be elated and enjoy…

OH! One last thing. We aren’t telling anyone until we are three months this time. Just in case. But here is the deal. It’s going to be HARD over the holidays. How do I get through without people knowing or guessing?

Example: Tomorrow night we are supposed to do a neighborhood “cocktail crawl”. Several neighbors, a stop at each house for one hour for an appetizer and a holiday drink. Ok. How in the HECK am I supposed to pull off a cocktail crawl? It’s easy to order a glass of wine I already know I hate and then pretend to just be disappointed with it. A cocktail crawl is a whole other story. Ok, If my test is negative or my beta is like 10 tomorrow, the cocktail crawl will be the best thing that ever happened to me. If it is over 100, well I’m going to have to get a flu or something right? Here’s the problem. My one neighbor is a very close friend and we actually planned this night together several months ago. She was incredibly helpful when I went through my fresh cycle. BUT, she also told EVERYONE I was pregnant. Neighbors were stopping me on the street to congratulate me. These same neighbors were also stopping me on the street to tell me how sorry they were a month later. All of these same neighbors will be participating tomorrow night.  We are not close with all of these neighbors, only a few. But we always all come together for things like this. Just to have some fun and keep up the whole goodwill amongst neighbors thing. Some of these neighbors are heavy drinkers. Not only are they heavy drinkers, but they are the “have a drink, why aren’t you having a drink, drink this, what’s wrong with you, why aren’t you drinking?” types. Sadly, I must admit, some of them are also the I can’t stand to be near them when they are drinking if I haven’t had a glass of wine” type of neighbors. You know, the kind that drive you to drink. I am happy, however, that our neighbors with the dogs that I want to kill are going to be at our house. Meaning that their dogs will be in the back yard and they won’t be at home. I am PRAYING that the dogs do their bat-shit crazy barking thing that they do when they aren’t home so that they can finally understand my pain. Maybe I’ll go make them sit in my son’s room so that they know what its like to try and go to sleep with their idiot dogs barking all night.

Ok. So. Any ideas guys? What do I do tomorrow night? How do I pull it off? Many of you I’m sure have hid the fact that you are trying or the fact that you may be pregnant. Ideas? Help? Save me? Please?

Advertisements

Black Friday Winnings and Other Stuff

I am so excited for this blog award thing going around because I love being introduced to new people! Once things settle down I have some serious reading to do!

I am sitting at the hospital with my sister in the waiting room. The last half hour before mom’s next dose of pain meds is rough and she just wants to be alone. A bit selfishly, I would like to head home. However, I will stay for my sister so that she has a bit more time to visit.
What I’d really like to be doing is going on a run and working on these ginormous thighs that two weeks of sitting and cafeteria food have given me. I feel disgusting physically and my pants are becoming a tad too snug. I can not diet, but I need to do something before I actually grow out of them. I have gained far too much weight since I started this ART process way back when.

In completely unrelated news, husband won $500 from a scratcher at Sports Authority on black Friday. FREE TRAMPOLINE!!! I couldn’t believe his luck. We are the people that never win anything. So the kids “big” gift is taken care of and not a dime spent. LOVE IT!

On the fertility front I’m up to 4mg estrace a day and can’t remember if I took my folic acid and aspirin this morning. Do I re-dose just in case or skip it?! Same ole boring symptoms, cervical mucous and acne mostly. Breasts starting to become a bit sore.

Hope all is well out there with all of you! Thank you all for your kind words and support!

Thanksgiving 2011

The past few days have been beyond rough. Especially since the regular doctors left for the holiday and allowed Doctor Doom and Gloom to stand in. Dr. Doom and Gloom threw me through a loop after all the hope that Doctor “that British guy”, as my mom calls him, gave us. I must admit to a total emotional breakdown in the arms of my aunt around 7pm this evening. I can only handle so much. I just wish she was doing better. She was hitting all her markers and without warning started to backslide horribly. I have no idea what is going on. I am tired, I am emotionally drained, I miss my family, my house is a mess and while i want to spend 8 hours a day plus 2 hours drive time to be with my mom, I just don’t think I can keep up this schedule. It is breaking me already. I need to know when to say when and according to my Aunt, that time has arrived.

In other news, a tad twingy and lots of cervical mucous. Still only side effects. Oh and starting to break out again.

Happy thanksgiving to you all. I wish i was feeling a bit more thankful and hopeful. Unfortunately, and not to be a downer, that’s just not the case. I’m sorry. I hope you all had a wonderful day.

Wednesday, Day before Thanksgiving

I just had 13 glorious hours of sleep. I went to bed at 6:30 last night and woke up only briefly when husband came home from bowling and again sometime around 2am when I had to pee.

Strange dreams though. I just kept having to tell people over and over that my mom has cancer. Breaking the news… I think maybe because I have been the bearer of bad news, having to tell my brother when he landed last week and then yesterday having to tell my 12 year old sister, which was the heaviest weight of all sitting on my shoulders. In my dream I had also been at the hospital and unable to shave my legs for so long that my leg hair was about 3″ long and all I had to wear was shorts…anyone think I’ve spent my fair share of time down there? Oh and also at one point in my dream I sat in a chair and when I stood up it was stuck to me cus my butt had gotten so big. Hospital cafeteria food anyone??

One of the harder things on me (physically) is that the hospital is right by my clinic, which means it’s more than an hour away. (convenient on monitoring days) When you spend anywhere between 6-9 hours sitting in a hospital room being emotionally and mentally drained, that long drive home is nearly impossible. (But, just so you guys don’t worry, I DO drive home and shower and shave my legs!)
Yesterday I left at 3, the earliest I’ve left since this all started, was home at about 4:30, ate dinner and crawled into bed. I left the kid at grandma’s house. I miss him like crazy but I would have been useless to him and at least at grandma’s he got to play with his cousin.

The good news on the fertility side of things (beside my rockin uterus) is that mom will be out of the hospital and resting but won’t be starting chemotherapy until well after my beta. So basically the stress will lessen tremendously during the most important part of the cycle. For that I am thankful.

I don’t think she’ll be home for Thanksgiving unless she actually discharges on Thanksgiving day. They have made no mention of discharging so I know it won’t be today. Dang, is it Thanksgiving already tomorrow?

On a different note, one reason (among the million) that I have always wanted more than one child is so that the child I do have doesn’t get stuck with the burden of caring for me or my husband on his own. This experience with my mom had strengthened that 10 fold. I don’t know what I would do without my brother to lean on. Husband is great, as are my aunts and grandparents, but NOBODY can comfort me, understand me or take weight off of my shoulders like he can. I want my son to have that.

Bad Day

My mother has cancer. We are hopeful because there is no other way to be right now. She needs surgery immediately as it is causing an 80% blockage of her colon.
I don’t really know what else to say except that we will not give in to negative thoughts. We will rally and we will fight.
This is one of those times that I question God. WHY?
My life has always been blessed. My grandparents are still healthy. No major tragedies. Was I bound to have something like this happen? Was I past my luck at 33 with no real tragic losses? Is it just my time? But no, we will fight, and we will fight hard. We are a big family and we are a tough family and we will kick cancer’s ass.