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Monday, I Think, but Does it Really Matter Anyway?

To say that I’ve come a long way would be an understatement. As I said in earlier posts, I’m now queen of my own shots. No biggie. So now, the girl who gets all vomit-y at the thought of anything bodily fluid related just sat and ate pop-chips (gluten free!) with a cup of yuck bile-y stuff from a wound drain right in front of me. DIDN’T. EVEN. FLINCH.

So thats fantastic, let’s see what else…I got stuck in the elevator and had to push the doors open to escape. Not on my list of things I’d ever wanted to do. Panic attack set in but I regained my cool pretty quickly and got the damn doors open. Coulda been worse.

I’ve learned that my mom, God love her, is a pain in the ass in-patient and I feel for her nurses when I’m not here to be at her beck and call. Hospital nurses should get major awards and medals and things, because I’m sure shes not the only one, or even the worst.

I’ve learned that I love hospital social workers. They are amazing people full of compassion and resources and free coffee cart cards 8)

I’ve learned that I really miss my brother even though he only left  yesterday and that he is more important to me than I can even express. I wouldn’t have gotten through the week without him. Ditto for my dad. My parents divorced when I was about 13, but dad was the one who flew my brother in within hours, paid for a hotel room for us so that we didnt have to drive the hour + back and forth, ran errands for us, was there within the hour to comfort me when we got the diagnosis, and was there to sit with us during her surgery.

Tomorrow morning I have an ultrasound to see how things are going. For the first time in all of this, I messed up and left my Lupron bottle (almost empty) out of the fridge when I left the house this morning. Husband made it home and I’m hoping he remembered to put it back in the fridge. I’m also hoping that tomorrow will be my last lupron dose. I can’t even remember when I started it to be honest. I know it was probably about a week before the shit hit the fan around here.  I’m still on 3 estrace tablets a day and will be moving up to four tomorrow. No real side effects, just some over the right ovary twinges.  I can’t tell if I’m more emotional, because well, It has been an emotional week anyway. The worst week, actually. But hey, silver lining, I have had NO TIME to obsess over this FET. I don’t even think about it except when I’m taking my meds. That is nice. I really just hope that it works. And I really just  hope that my mom gets out of here soon and that we can move forward with the rest of her treatment. I hate cancer. I hate it.

Saturday Surgery

I’m getting good. I just did my Lupron shot in the operating waiting room. Which means that yes, my mom is currently in surgery. Need prayers and positive thoughts and energy. And a blanket would bs nice.

Praying for Health

Is it fair to be mad at someone for being sick? Endometriosis runs in my family. Collectively we are an endometriosis nightmare and many of us wear the battle scars of painful periods, miscarriages and repeated surgeries.
Then there is my mother. In the hospital right now because she has for many years refused to care for herself in anything more than a holistic manner. I am all for holistic healing. I have participated in my share of holistic remedies. However, some things are just too severe. So now she sits (is hopefully sleeping still) in a hospital bed waiting for a day of biopsies and MRIs and surgery scheduling to begin. I pray that it is endometriosis that has attacked her colon and is not something else.
We will cross that bridge if we must come to it.
So here’s the anger part. As soon as she is better in going to kick her ass. Im being kind by not pummeling her up and down the hospital corridors. You see, for months and months as we have watched her turning pale and withering away, we have BEGGED her to see a real doctor. Myself, my brother, grandparents and aunts. We have all begged her repeatedly. PLEASE quit it with this holistic practitioner and go see a real doctor. She is not helping you, you are wasting away.
So it has to come to severe dehydration, malnourishment, severe pain and many other symptoms I will spare her the embarrassment of relaying, as well as CT scans, MRIs, biopsies and the very concerned faces of the doctors and nurses in the ER to finally get her the help she so desperately needs.
I am angry that she let it come to this. That she has treated her body this way. That she wouldn’t allow those of us who love her to help her. That she wouldn’t listen. I hope she is strong when she is released because she has 3 children, 5 sisters and 2 parents who are all PISSED that she wouldn’t allow us to help her sooner. That she didn’t get help sooner. That’s 10 people who very much want to see her get strong and healthy so that, as we’ve told her, we can all take turns knocking some sense into her.
Today is going to be a long, hard day. I pray that the doctors find little more than some severe endometriosis or some colon blockage and that we can remove it and move on. I pray.

Family that reads this, if you were unaware of the situation please let her tell you…

I must get up now, this morning I have my baseline ultrasound, which conveniently, is right around the corner from the hospital my mom is in. It’s going to be a long day, a day of which started only moments ago with an already there Lupron headache. Fingers crossed I have “quiet” ovaries.

One last thing, although they’ll never read this I want to send my condolences to a long ago high school friend who’s mother passed away from cancer this morning. Her mother was the school registrar and would on occasion let us slide on the tardies by slipping us a hall pass. I remember her fondly.

Days 5-6

Still feeling fine emotionally. In a way I feel like I’ve removed myself from this cycle just enough that I’m not obsessing over it or worrying or any of that. Maybe its just that one quick shot isn’t all that intense so it doesn’t feel real. I’ve been keeping busy trying new recipes, decorating and preparing for the holidays.

Physically day 5 (and I can already tell day 6) was more of the body soreness. I’ve been so busy but at the same time I’m having to take little rests. I have had some twinges here and there in the abdominal area and the occasional headache, but not as bad as they were.

All in all the Lupron has been nothing like what I thought it would be and I am thankful.

Yesterday was my last day of birth control and my baseline ultrasound is Tuesday morning.

Hope all is well out there. Sending prayers out to Belle and her family. Ecstatic for Mo. Thinking of April and all of the rest of you.

Have a wonderful Sunday.


Husband and I got bored yesterday and put up a “holiday tree”. We will add our personal ornaments when Christmas is actually close =)

Cycle Day 4 (yesterday)

Everything is going great! The only thing I can attribute to the Lupron is muscle aches. I feel like I’ve ran 12 miles and lifted hundreds of pounds and I’ve really done nothing.
I was really busy yesterday painting this:


And making this:


I just finished administering my 5th shot and will be heading off to the grocery store and to get my nails filled. This is why I HATE having nails!

Hoping this muscle pain goes away so the I can stop limping around and start climbing my stairs at a normal pace again!!

FET Cycle Day 3

Starting to feel better. I think that the side effects are beginning to lessen, and I hope it stays that way. Last night I was very uncomfortable in my own skin and had  a tough time sleeping, but I woke up feeling ok this morning and am still feeling fairly normal.

I did my first unsupervised shot this morning and let me tell ya, I’m already a pro! The trick is icing the site for a minute or two. I can’t feel a thing. I also find it interesting that I am so used to being stuck, I didnt even get all gaggy watching the needle go in to my skin. If anything this whole mess has definitely helped to alleviate some of my doctor related phobias! Surgeries? Who cares! Anasthesia? It’s cool. Needles? Blah. Paps? Whatever. Internal ultrasounds? Bor-ing.

So now I think that I am going to go through this gluten and sugar free cookbook I’ve got and make a run to the grocery store and stock up..I am being so bad with my eating. I am gaining unnecessary weight. I hate it, but at the same time I just don’t care. But I need to care and I need to eliminate this crap from my diet instead of being all half-assed about it. It’s wonderful if I follow it for my daytime meals but it means nothing if we come home and I end up having pizza and a piece of cake. Or sliders, or pizza again. Yea, as you can see I’ve been quite gluttonous this week. ugh.


FET Cycle Day 2

Most common Lupron side effects:

Constipation; dizziness; general body pain; headache; hot flashes; loss of appetite; nausea or vomiting; stuffy nose; trouble sleeping; weakness.

Really? I might just get a headache? And by the way, this list proves that I’m not nuts. I didn’t even know that “general body pain” was a thing. But I have it. I have EVERYTHING.

I’m still on the calm side though. I haven’t even been googling, which is unheard of for me. I should be reading forums and medical journals and case studies. But for some reason I’m not. I’m waiting for the crazy. It has to be coming. I am an anxious, crazy person. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that I feel this way, but this is not “normal” for me.

I did an injection myself this morning. First time ever. Husband’s schedule is just to all over the place to depend on him being available to stick me at 7:30 every morning. He was with me in case I freaked out or froze, but I did good. The girl who used to get dizzy and vomity at the sight of a needle shot herself in the belly this morning. We’ve come along way.

Yesterday was my 33rd birthday. I spent it at the bowling alley watching husbands team, pretending to drink a glass of wine. I now know that there is a reason I don’t go to Husband’s league night. SO. BORING. He really over sold me in how much fun it would be. It wasn’t fun. And It was dorky but not dorky enough to make total fun of, so I didn’t even have that.
And being that I was on a Lupron high, (or low depending on your point of view) I really just wanted to be in the bath tub with a book. But it was nice of him to allow me in to his “guys night” fold. (Although I think I was the one doing the favor!)

Anywho, on to day 3!