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Today is Over, For That I am Thankful

I will start this post with a bit of TMI, so if you don’t care to know skip ahead….
1) nipples are “bumpy” but NOT veiny. I will need to reflect back on this when I am searching for symptoms. Bumps yes, veins no. Veins were how I knew the last transfer had taken. Note: bumps before transfer = medication side effect.
2) abundant cervical mucous = medication side effect… Just sayin.

So the next part of this post I will start out by saying I love my mom dearly. Ok. So that said, she is the worst freaking patient I have ever laid eyes on. If I were her nurse today I would have quit. God bless June and whoever comes on for the night shift. The woman is a she-devil who chased out 2 of her sisters as well as myself with pure nastiness. (mom I’m sorry if you ever happen across this site, but it’s true-and I also hope to God you never do come across it) I love you dearly but you are a nurse’s worst nightmare.
I am compassionate and caring and loving and I understand that anger is a phase of grief. But we are all human and we are not punching bags. I do not sit by your bed for nine hours a day because it’s fun, I do it because you want me there and need me there and I love you and i would do anything for you. I do it so that you have help and so that you do not feel lonely. I have done things i have not wanted to
do to spare you the grief. I didn’t want to have to be the one to tell my
Brother and sister about the cancer. I didn’t want to have to be the one to hold Everyone up when the news was delivered. I was the rock and I had none of my own. I didn’t want that but I did it for you. So dammit, be sad, be angry, be whatever you want to be but please don’t take it out on me, the one person who hasn’t left your side. Because outwardly I am strong, but inwardly I am still your daughter and I am just as scared as you are. I can’t imagine how you feel, but i know what it feels like to fear losing my mother. I may not have to go thru this physically but I will endure it emotionally.
I know this is not about me at all, but still I MUST take my over all health in to consideration.

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Wednesday, Day before Thanksgiving

I just had 13 glorious hours of sleep. I went to bed at 6:30 last night and woke up only briefly when husband came home from bowling and again sometime around 2am when I had to pee.

Strange dreams though. I just kept having to tell people over and over that my mom has cancer. Breaking the news… I think maybe because I have been the bearer of bad news, having to tell my brother when he landed last week and then yesterday having to tell my 12 year old sister, which was the heaviest weight of all sitting on my shoulders. In my dream I had also been at the hospital and unable to shave my legs for so long that my leg hair was about 3″ long and all I had to wear was shorts…anyone think I’ve spent my fair share of time down there? Oh and also at one point in my dream I sat in a chair and when I stood up it was stuck to me cus my butt had gotten so big. Hospital cafeteria food anyone??

One of the harder things on me (physically) is that the hospital is right by my clinic, which means it’s more than an hour away. (convenient on monitoring days) When you spend anywhere between 6-9 hours sitting in a hospital room being emotionally and mentally drained, that long drive home is nearly impossible. (But, just so you guys don’t worry, I DO drive home and shower and shave my legs!)
Yesterday I left at 3, the earliest I’ve left since this all started, was home at about 4:30, ate dinner and crawled into bed. I left the kid at grandma’s house. I miss him like crazy but I would have been useless to him and at least at grandma’s he got to play with his cousin.

The good news on the fertility side of things (beside my rockin uterus) is that mom will be out of the hospital and resting but won’t be starting chemotherapy until well after my beta. So basically the stress will lessen tremendously during the most important part of the cycle. For that I am thankful.

I don’t think she’ll be home for Thanksgiving unless she actually discharges on Thanksgiving day. They have made no mention of discharging so I know it won’t be today. Dang, is it Thanksgiving already tomorrow?

On a different note, one reason (among the million) that I have always wanted more than one child is so that the child I do have doesn’t get stuck with the burden of caring for me or my husband on his own. This experience with my mom had strengthened that 10 fold. I don’t know what I would do without my brother to lean on. Husband is great, as are my aunts and grandparents, but NOBODY can comfort me, understand me or take weight off of my shoulders like he can. I want my son to have that.

Praying for Health

Is it fair to be mad at someone for being sick? Endometriosis runs in my family. Collectively we are an endometriosis nightmare and many of us wear the battle scars of painful periods, miscarriages and repeated surgeries.
Then there is my mother. In the hospital right now because she has for many years refused to care for herself in anything more than a holistic manner. I am all for holistic healing. I have participated in my share of holistic remedies. However, some things are just too severe. So now she sits (is hopefully sleeping still) in a hospital bed waiting for a day of biopsies and MRIs and surgery scheduling to begin. I pray that it is endometriosis that has attacked her colon and is not something else.
We will cross that bridge if we must come to it.
So here’s the anger part. As soon as she is better in going to kick her ass. Im being kind by not pummeling her up and down the hospital corridors. You see, for months and months as we have watched her turning pale and withering away, we have BEGGED her to see a real doctor. Myself, my brother, grandparents and aunts. We have all begged her repeatedly. PLEASE quit it with this holistic practitioner and go see a real doctor. She is not helping you, you are wasting away.
So it has to come to severe dehydration, malnourishment, severe pain and many other symptoms I will spare her the embarrassment of relaying, as well as CT scans, MRIs, biopsies and the very concerned faces of the doctors and nurses in the ER to finally get her the help she so desperately needs.
I am angry that she let it come to this. That she has treated her body this way. That she wouldn’t allow those of us who love her to help her. That she wouldn’t listen. I hope she is strong when she is released because she has 3 children, 5 sisters and 2 parents who are all PISSED that she wouldn’t allow us to help her sooner. That she didn’t get help sooner. That’s 10 people who very much want to see her get strong and healthy so that, as we’ve told her, we can all take turns knocking some sense into her.
Today is going to be a long, hard day. I pray that the doctors find little more than some severe endometriosis or some colon blockage and that we can remove it and move on. I pray.

Family that reads this, if you were unaware of the situation please let her tell you…

I must get up now, this morning I have my baseline ultrasound, which conveniently, is right around the corner from the hospital my mom is in. It’s going to be a long day, a day of which started only moments ago with an already there Lupron headache. Fingers crossed I have “quiet” ovaries.

One last thing, although they’ll never read this I want to send my condolences to a long ago high school friend who’s mother passed away from cancer this morning. Her mother was the school registrar and would on occasion let us slide on the tardies by slipping us a hall pass. I remember her fondly.