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To My Friend Alicia

Alicia, over here wrote the kindest, sweetest post about lil ol’ me. I couldn’t comment on it because blogger hates me, so I had to write a post that hopefully she will see. Because I want her to know that I am thanking her from the bottom of my heart for her kindness and support. It’s not every day that you meet someone online or IRL, who is just so incredibly kind.

I am a complete wreck tonight since baby girl has her first visit in over a month with her father. It’s the first visit that I have had to take her to. I want to be supportive, I want to be kind. I want him to be in the right state of mind. Most of all I want this visit to be safe. The SW informed me today that I may have to sit in on the supervised visit, as baby girl might be anxious being handed off to him since she doesn’t really know him. Awkward much? But as I said, I want it to go as smoothly as possible. I do have empathy for the man. He is losing his child. I couldn’t imagine anything more terrible. Will he show? I don’t know. Apparently he is in a very bad state of mind at the moment. And as I said, that is why I hope that he is ok and that we have no troubles at the visit.
Wish me luck and pray for us. This is unknown territory for me and I am scared shitless

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ME

I woke up this morning to an email notification of a new blog post. Short, yet heartbreaking. Those two words that NONE of us want to hear: no heartbeat. I’m so so sorry, Belle you are such an amazing woman and supportive online friend. I’d love nothing more to be friends with you IRL and share a bottle of wine. You have my thoughts and my prayers and my heart today. Please know that, although I know that it’s not much.

Anyway. I guess having any sort of presence on the web, whether it be huge or, quite small (like myself) you open yourself to criticism. I started my blog in order to write about my struggles with infertility and to meet others who could sadly understand how isolating infertility can be. What I didn’t know at the time is that there would be judgement. And I HATE judgment. I was naive I guess in thinking that I wouldn’t attract people who hate ART. People who hate adoption. People who hate ME. Let me say that again. People who hate ME. But they don’t really hate ME. They may hate my words, or my verbiage, or my sometimes sarcastic attitude. But it can’t possibly, personally be ME. because they don’t know ME. If they did they would know that I am not a bad person.
I am quiet and I am shy. Sometimes I can be seen as standoffish (I love that word) but I’m not. I just don’t know what to say to you that would be interesting enough to make you like me. I love to read. I love children, but not those screamy, tear the curtains off the walls kind. Well at least in my home. If you have the screamy, destructive kind I will enjoy them in your home. I have a degree to work with children that is worthless in this economy. My children are the CENTER of my life. The core of my being. I try and go to church but I also value family time spent outside of church on Sundays. I don’t adore animals but I don’t beat and torture them. Ok so my neighbors hate us because we complained about their barking dog one to many times. (Hey I get it. You love your dog. Well, I love sleep).
I’m sometimes messy and I keep and save more “memories” than my husband would like. I’m sentimental in that way. I’m no hoarder, I swear, but I will be able to produce and share A’s first 100% spelling test. (Ok, I’m a bit hoarder-ish?) I hate laundry and unloading the dishwasher. I haven’t had curtains in my family room for a year because I just can’t decide which ones I want. I live in a pretty superficial part of the world and I am the anti. I’d love to move to a new state but would want to take my entire family with me. You have no idea how hard it is to get ALL of these people to agree on all moving to one place. I mean they already all decided to live here, so what are the chances of everyone agreeing again?!

I guess I’m telling you a little bit about myself, about some of the mundane every day me, so that if you chose to hate me, you are hating ME. Not just my words.

I have had SO MANY kind comments in the past week or so it is unbelievable. I am so thankful that all of you have brought so many smiles to my face, its almost been a continual smile! (save for the few burrow-y eyebrow, snarly faces I’ve been forced to make)
Thank you all, old friends and new!

My Words Are My Truth

I love blogging. I use it primarily as a release. I don’t talk to anyone about any of this stuff in real life. I just don’t. If I didn’t have my blog my head would probably explode into a million tiny pieces. I also love meeting new people. I love the advice offered by those who have been in my shoes, and I love sharing my own personal experiences with those who are looking for someone who has gone through the things I have gone through.
What I do not love is people IRL who take my words and use them against me. I try my hardest to keep my blog anonymous because I NEED to be able to be honest. What’s the point of it if I have to sensor myself and lie? My blog is about truth, even if its ugly. It’s not about unicorns and fairy princesses. If I wanted to write fantasy, I’d try my hand at children’s fairy tales. But that is not me. I have never written anything to offend or hurt. What I have written is about things that have offended or hurt ME. Because IRL, I do have feelings. I do get offended. I do get hurt. Never have I named names, given a physical description, or anything like that. Early on I made the decision to take my blog away from those close to me for one reason: I can’t be honest about my infertility with people IRL watching. Very few people that I actually know are subscribed. Literally, three people. And I like it that way. But apparently there is an issue with a few people who managed to keep my blog handy without subscribing, and who feel I tell too much. Here’s the thing. You can’t possibly know I am talking about you unless you know that you are guilty of the actions I’ve described. Here’s the other thing. My blog is very self-centered because it’s mine. it’s all about my feelings. it’s about the way I see things. Remember, there are three sides to every story. Well, this is my side. So I apologize if I have hurt your feelings or written something that you didn’t like. Again I have always tried to be anonymous and as vague as possible, and when and if I have written about others, it isn’t intended to be “talking shit”. Remember, my posts ALWAYS stem from my own truth. And if my truth is that you have hurt MY feelings, maybe you should try apologizing yourself. Maybe we BOTH should apologize. And I AM willing to apologize if I hurt your feelings or made you upset, as that was never my intention. But I will not apologize for my truth. I stand behind my words 100%. My words are my truth.