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Another Day in Paradise

Well for all the swearing he did that he was going to get his act together at the services hearing, I’m surprised that I am saying this evening that bio dad did not show for his visit today.
Visitation consists of waking up early, getting A to either school or to a friend who is willing to watch him now that school is out, and driving one hour to the social services office. I pack diapers for bio dad to use, bottles, food and a blanket for her to play on. I lug all of this in to the office and sit for two hours while they play. (or less if he cuts the visit short, which happens frequently). Today I waited 20 minutes (the required is 15) and then I lugged all of her stuff back to the car and drove an hour back home.
This sucked even more due to the fact that I was up all night with both kids, one teething and one having asthma problems. Both were tired, whiny, and didn’t want to get up. After getting approximately two hours of sleep, I was tired, whiny and didn’t want to get up!!
Since his visits have been lessened to only one time a month, he won’t be able to see her again until mid July. Days like today I just don’t feel the sympathy for him that I usually feel.

The good news is that we got back into town early enough to go to my Aunt’s house and swim!

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Baby girl is SO content in the water. And I know I’ve said it a million times, but this amazes me because she was so terrified of it when she first came to us. It is so fun to watch her lazily float around and splash her hands and enjoy it!

Hopefully tonight we will ALL get some sleep and be rested and be a little bit less of a crabby household tomorrow!

I think the fact that husband is out to dinner tonight at a swanky restaurant in an even swankier seaside town and I’ve been with the two crabsters all day means that HE gets to do the dirty work tonight, right?

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Update June 5 Hearing

Well I was wrong. The judge terminated services for the bio parents. We now have 120 days to wait for the Termination of Parental Rights hearing.
In a way, I’m now even more afraid. Does it make sense that I’m terrified that a family member is suddenly going to say “whoa, the state is serious, I’d better step in and do something now”.

In a way I also feel guilty and sad for her bio parents. Her dad especially. I think it’s because I’ve actually met him, and meeting him has made him a real person and not just an idea or a thought. He is real and he is suffering. I know this and I am empathetic.

But at the same time I am in love and I am selfish and I want this little girl to be a part of my forever family.

I will continue to pray that this all works out for us. We love her so incredibly much.

June 5 Hearing

Another court hearing today. In one half hour baby’s bio father will be going before the judge. I hate these days. I am anxious and my stomach hurts.
I have a feeling he will get another extension because he passed his drug test last month (and always has because he is not a drug addict and never has been). Never mind that he still has no job, is homeless, is staying in the home of family member who was convicted of and is in jail for child abuse, is not seeing his court ordered therapist and refuses to take his meds.
He didn’t even stay for the whole visit last week. He cut out after an hour.
But I’m sure, because parent rights are far more important than the child’s best interest, he will get an extension. 30 more days to accomplish absolutely nothing.
Am I bitter? Ya, kind of. Because he is not even trying, and yet he keeps getting these extensions. Meanwhile, I was up all night for three nights in a row when she was sick. I’m the one she cries for. I’m the one who takes her to the doctor. I’m the one who rocks her at 3am. I am the one who doesn’t shower and who has insane laundry piles all over my bathroom floor because she wants to be snuggled. I am the one who does all these things willingly and with my heart full of love for this child. It is my husband that she sees when she yells “dad”.
Would I wish for any parent to fail? Absolutely not. But do I think that in this case they already have? Yes.

Queen of PMS

I am Queen PMS. Find me a crown and a cape.
I am anxious and tearful and sad.
I am angry that I allowed myself to be hurt by someone I do not know and that does not know me. Thick skin? No stinking way. I am as thin skinned as they come. I can somehow let one hateful comment shut me down completely.
I know my intentions are good. I know that the love I feel is pure.
There are adoption haters, there are ART haters. We can’t win.
Do I think that I don’t deserve more children because God made me barren? And what is barren? Unproductive; Unfruitful. I’m actually neither. I have fantastically young and well producing ovaries, thankyouverymuch. It just so happens that my other half is *ahem*, unfruitful. So do I think that? that God has decided I’m unworthy? That my husband is unworthy? No. I think that we are given challenges, just like everyone else. Different challenges perhaps, but we all have them. Difficult, heartbreaking and seemingly unfair challenges. But it’s what WE DO about those challenges.
Many days I want to, and have, pulled the blankets up over my head and cried. I have questioned my worthiness. I have wondered, why me?
But as I’ve said before, maybe this is why. Because there are children who need homes. NOT because I am a psychotic baby stealer, but because some children are born into unfit homes. Because some children are malnourished and neglected. Because some children are dealt a shitty hand. Is that my fault? No. Is it the child’s fault? Most definitely not. Do they deserve to sit in foster care year after year, in case the parents finally decide get Their act together? No. They deserve permanency. They deserve love and hot meals and clean diapers.
If I can and am willing to provide that, how in the world does that make me a psycho baby stealer?
When we first got baby girl I experienced guilt that I didn’t think I would. Guilt because someone is losing their baby. But that IS NOT my fault. They were given every chance, fair and square. I’m just here to pick up the pieces, so to speak.
Anyway…that’s all for now. My heart hurts tonight. I will move on, but I’m having a hard time. Blame it on the PMS?
UPDATE: I would KILL for a bag of chips..oh wait, don’t alert the authorities, It’s a figure of speech. I promise no one will die over Ruffles