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To My Friend Alicia

Alicia, over here wrote the kindest, sweetest post about lil ol’ me. I couldn’t comment on it because blogger hates me, so I had to write a post that hopefully she will see. Because I want her to know that I am thanking her from the bottom of my heart for her kindness and support. It’s not every day that you meet someone online or IRL, who is just so incredibly kind.

I am a complete wreck tonight since baby girl has her first visit in over a month with her father. It’s the first visit that I have had to take her to. I want to be supportive, I want to be kind. I want him to be in the right state of mind. Most of all I want this visit to be safe. The SW informed me today that I may have to sit in on the supervised visit, as baby girl might be anxious being handed off to him since she doesn’t really know him. Awkward much? But as I said, I want it to go as smoothly as possible. I do have empathy for the man. He is losing his child. I couldn’t imagine anything more terrible. Will he show? I don’t know. Apparently he is in a very bad state of mind at the moment. And as I said, that is why I hope that he is ok and that we have no troubles at the visit.
Wish me luck and pray for us. This is unknown territory for me and I am scared shitless


IVF #1

I know I haven’t really said much about my cycle. I guess I haven’t really been ready. But as I am feeling more healed and nearing a place where I do want to try again, I think it’d be good for me to write about my cycle. I think I got off pretty easy doing a short antagonist protocol. It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t near the horror stories  had read about either.

  1. Begin 81mg baby asprin, prenatal vitamin and 4mg folic acid daily.
  2. 05/27-6/9 (began day 3 of cycle) Birth Control Pill to “quiet the ovaries”.
  3. Baseline Ultrasound 06/08: one small cyst. Blood test to see if it is functional or hormone driven. Call at 3pm tells me it is functional and we are a go.
  4. Beginning 6/13: 300 IU Bravelle every night at 6pm.
  5. 06/17: uterine lining is 3 stripe, 9mm. Perfect…Afternoon call informs me that I am to cut Bravelle to 150IU and begin Menopur and ganirelix.
  6. 06/20:TRIGGER, Ovidrel
  7. 06/22:Egg retrieval, 18 retrieved, 17 fertilized by ICSI, 8 made it to blast on day 5.
  8. Begin Prometrium 200mg capsules twice a day, and Endometrin suppositories twice a day.
  9. 6/27- Embryo Transfer. Transferred 2 Grade AA embryos. Prednisone 20mg for 3 days, bhusand and I both took Zithromax 5o0mg for 3 days.

If you look to the left of the embryos, you can see a mark that indicated the two that were transferred.                       We called them Hanz and Franz.

  1. 07/08: Beta #1: 176
  2. 07/11: Beta #2: 874
  3. 07/25: Ultrasound #1, “Good Heartbeat, size “on target”
  4. 08/01: Ultrasound #2, Heartbeat has dropped to 60bpm, no growth since last ultrasound
  5. 08/05: D&C

So ya. anyway, thats how it went. Like I said, the protocol wasn’t that bad. I was uncomfortable to say the least. It got to the point where it hurt to walk. I couldn’t eat but I gained a good 10lbs while on the meds. It was a bit lonely, because we didn’t tell many people and husband works a lot.  I’m ashamed to admit I spent a good part of my 2ww (meaning all waking hours) googling IVF, pregnancy symptoms, miscarriage symptoms, etc…

I didn’t use Lupron, which I was glad about, as most of the horror stories that I had read involved Lupron. But for the most part it was text-book. Everything went exactly as it was planned. Not a single problem. Which, in my cynical, half glass empty head, I saw as a foreboding sign. It CAN’T work out well if it goes perfectly right? I still don’t know what went wrong. I probably never will. I was told the usual, “most like a chromosomal abnormality”. I chose not to do the testing because I was told that there was such a good chance that it would be inconclusive because the fetal demise occured at only around 6weeks. Also, I couldn’t bear the thought of knowing if it would have been a boy a girl. That’s the real truth behind not doing the chromosomal testing. I just couldn’t bear to know what it would have been.

I want to do an FET. I have 6 little embryos waiting for me. A few good, a few fair quality. I want to try again. But I am SO SCARED. I’m afraid to even call the doctors office to make the WTF appointment that I haven’t even had yet. But I’m getting there. I am definately getting there.