This is my first time participating in ICLW. Probably not the best week to sign up considering, one, I currently have my account set to private in order to well, keep stuff private. We have only told two of our parents that we got a positive test. I’m still 100% against anyone knowing since beta numbers mean nothing to me. Positive pregnancy tests mean nothing to me. The only thing that will mean anything I think is in 9 months after I have given birth and the baby is proclaimed healthy. Anyway, this is not the time for other family members or friends to be finding out. Not that many family members or friends even read my blog or know it exists…But what if? I really found myself either not posting or not being as honest as I wanted things to be. So. Reason number two, is that Blogger is giving me a crap time and I have tried to comment on a few people and Blogger won’t let me. So now I’m taking a break because all that happened was that I became frustrated. Why can’t more people use wordpress?
So yesterday was so incredibly emotional. I still can’t believe I had to turn down this little girl. My heart hurts. But as I said, I know that it wouldn’t be fair to her right now. I wouldn’t be able to give her what she needs right now. I pray that the next family on the list can, and says yes. How amazing would it have been to have a little girl running around here on Christmas? The thought makes my heart break. I could be going to pick up a little girl today. But that is my selfish heart speaking. My unselfish heart knows that we did the right thing. It’s almost too much for me to think about right now. In fact, I think I’ll stop. I do not regret the decision, but that doesn’t mean that I like that I had to make it. AT ALL.
Last night I ate 3 chocolate mint cookies and passed out after my post. When I woke up this morning I realized that I missed my estrogen dose last night. Of course I panicked. I called my RE and they told me to take my morning’s estrogen plus the 3 that I missed last night. so I took FIVE 2mg tablets of estrogen this morning. (This reminds me, I need to go to the pharmacy to pick up my estrogen prescription). Anyone think maybe thats why I got teary at the end of Alvin and the Chipmunks this afternoon? Because it certainly wasn’t tear worthy. Not even kind of emotional. And can I blame the estrogen on my buying a new centerpiece for my dining room table? Oh and a couple of throw pillows..and some new curtains? WHAT? I’m feeling just a bit emotional and trying to keep my mind off of things. I had to buy something!
Anyway, yeah. So my first ICLW post ever is a rambling bunch of crap that probably makes no sense and people will just think I’m nuts, that is if they ever get to read it because my blog is private right now anyway…I kind of feel nuts…My head isn’t right today