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This is my first time participating in ICLW. Probably not the best week to sign up considering, one, I currently have my account set to private in order to well, keep stuff private. We have only told two of our parents that we got a positive test. I’m still 100% against anyone knowing since beta numbers mean nothing to me. Positive pregnancy tests mean nothing to me. The only thing that will mean anything I think is in 9 months after I have given birth and the baby is proclaimed healthy. Anyway, this is not the time for other family members or friends to be finding out. Not that many family members or friends even read my blog or know it exists…But what if? I really found myself either not posting or not being as honest as I wanted things to be. So. Reason number two, is that Blogger is giving me a crap time and I have tried to comment on a few people and Blogger won’t let me. So now I’m taking a break because all that happened was that I became frustrated. Why can’t more people use wordpress?

So yesterday was so incredibly emotional. I still can’t believe I had to turn down this little girl. My heart hurts. But as I said, I know that it wouldn’t be fair to her right now. I wouldn’t be able to give her what she needs right now. I pray that the next family on the list can, and says yes. How amazing would it have been to have a little girl running around here on Christmas? The thought makes my heart break. I could be going to pick up a little girl today. But that is my selfish heart speaking. My unselfish heart knows that we did the right thing. It’s almost too much for me to think about right now. In fact, I think I’ll stop. I do not regret the decision, but that doesn’t mean that I like that I had to make it. AT ALL.

Last night I ate 3 chocolate mint cookies and passed out after my post. When I woke up this morning I realized that I missed my estrogen dose last night. Of course I panicked. I called my RE and they told me to take my morning’s estrogen plus the 3 that I missed last night. so I took FIVE 2mg tablets of estrogen this morning. (This reminds me, I need to go to the pharmacy to pick up my estrogen prescription). Anyone think maybe thats why I got teary at the end of Alvin and the Chipmunks this afternoon? Because it certainly wasn’t tear worthy. Not even kind of emotional. And can I blame the estrogen on my buying a new centerpiece for my dining room table? Oh and a couple of throw pillows..and some new curtains? WHAT? I’m feeling just a bit emotional and trying to keep my mind off of things. I had to buy something!

Anyway, yeah. So my first ICLW post ever is a rambling bunch of crap that probably makes no sense and people will just think I’m nuts, that is if they ever get to read it because my blog is private right now anyway…I kind of feel nuts…My head isn’t right today

Today is Over, For That I am Thankful

I will start this post with a bit of TMI, so if you don’t care to know skip ahead….
1) nipples are “bumpy” but NOT veiny. I will need to reflect back on this when I am searching for symptoms. Bumps yes, veins no. Veins were how I knew the last transfer had taken. Note: bumps before transfer = medication side effect.
2) abundant cervical mucous = medication side effect… Just sayin.

So the next part of this post I will start out by saying I love my mom dearly. Ok. So that said, she is the worst freaking patient I have ever laid eyes on. If I were her nurse today I would have quit. God bless June and whoever comes on for the night shift. The woman is a she-devil who chased out 2 of her sisters as well as myself with pure nastiness. (mom I’m sorry if you ever happen across this site, but it’s true-and I also hope to God you never do come across it) I love you dearly but you are a nurse’s worst nightmare.
I am compassionate and caring and loving and I understand that anger is a phase of grief. But we are all human and we are not punching bags. I do not sit by your bed for nine hours a day because it’s fun, I do it because you want me there and need me there and I love you and i would do anything for you. I do it so that you have help and so that you do not feel lonely. I have done things i have not wanted to
do to spare you the grief. I didn’t want to have to be the one to tell my
Brother and sister about the cancer. I didn’t want to have to be the one to hold Everyone up when the news was delivered. I was the rock and I had none of my own. I didn’t want that but I did it for you. So dammit, be sad, be angry, be whatever you want to be but please don’t take it out on me, the one person who hasn’t left your side. Because outwardly I am strong, but inwardly I am still your daughter and I am just as scared as you are. I can’t imagine how you feel, but i know what it feels like to fear losing my mother. I may not have to go thru this physically but I will endure it emotionally.
I know this is not about me at all, but still I MUST take my over all health in to consideration.

Wednesday, Day before Thanksgiving

I just had 13 glorious hours of sleep. I went to bed at 6:30 last night and woke up only briefly when husband came home from bowling and again sometime around 2am when I had to pee.

Strange dreams though. I just kept having to tell people over and over that my mom has cancer. Breaking the news… I think maybe because I have been the bearer of bad news, having to tell my brother when he landed last week and then yesterday having to tell my 12 year old sister, which was the heaviest weight of all sitting on my shoulders. In my dream I had also been at the hospital and unable to shave my legs for so long that my leg hair was about 3″ long and all I had to wear was shorts…anyone think I’ve spent my fair share of time down there? Oh and also at one point in my dream I sat in a chair and when I stood up it was stuck to me cus my butt had gotten so big. Hospital cafeteria food anyone??

One of the harder things on me (physically) is that the hospital is right by my clinic, which means it’s more than an hour away. (convenient on monitoring days) When you spend anywhere between 6-9 hours sitting in a hospital room being emotionally and mentally drained, that long drive home is nearly impossible. (But, just so you guys don’t worry, I DO drive home and shower and shave my legs!)
Yesterday I left at 3, the earliest I’ve left since this all started, was home at about 4:30, ate dinner and crawled into bed. I left the kid at grandma’s house. I miss him like crazy but I would have been useless to him and at least at grandma’s he got to play with his cousin.

The good news on the fertility side of things (beside my rockin uterus) is that mom will be out of the hospital and resting but won’t be starting chemotherapy until well after my beta. So basically the stress will lessen tremendously during the most important part of the cycle. For that I am thankful.

I don’t think she’ll be home for Thanksgiving unless she actually discharges on Thanksgiving day. They have made no mention of discharging so I know it won’t be today. Dang, is it Thanksgiving already tomorrow?

On a different note, one reason (among the million) that I have always wanted more than one child is so that the child I do have doesn’t get stuck with the burden of caring for me or my husband on his own. This experience with my mom had strengthened that 10 fold. I don’t know what I would do without my brother to lean on. Husband is great, as are my aunts and grandparents, but NOBODY can comfort me, understand me or take weight off of my shoulders like he can. I want my son to have that.

Day After Surgery

I am in bed wishing I were still asleep. Now that she has moved from the oncology unit to the post-op floor, we have to follow normal visiting hours which means no staying the night with her and not getting there until 10am. In a way this is a blessing, as it gives us time to rest and regenerate for a long day ahead. My brother leaves to go back go Salt Lake today and I am dreading it. I do not want him to go. My mom’s sisters will start getting in today and tomorrow but I’m afraid the novelty of cancer will wear off and I’ll be stuck as the only caretaker as everyone else goes back to their normal lives. I know that this surgery business is the easy part compared to what’s to come. I fear for my 12 year old sister and what she will have to endure. Her father died. She has already been through so much.

As for FET #1, I’m on 3 estrogen a day right now and am having those vivid hormone dreams. That’s the only thing goin on with that.

Cycle Day Who the F knows

Day 4 (?) of estrogen. No side effects at all. Feeling great physically. Emotionally? Ha. Right.
Mom Is having a bowel resection surgery at 7:15 tomorrow morning. PLEASE PRAY. PLEASE.
I’ll update more when not in Xanax coma.

Hope (?)

Let me just start by saying that my husband suprised me by making it to the appointment this morning. There he was, as I was pulling in, waiting on the sidewalk. That means so much to me. I don’t really talk about husband all that much, mostly out of respect for his privacy, but I have to say that things haven’t been easy. Infertility sucks. It sucks for the woman, it sucks for the man and it sucks for the couple. We both deal with our emotions in completely different ways. I pull into myself. I want quiet. I want to think. I want to reflect. I want to be alone. He has a hard time with that. So he tries to pull me out. Which makes me retreat further. Its been this totally unhealthy dance, backward and forward, pulling, pushing, pulling, pushing. I recently made the conscious effort to try and come out on my own. Be  more open. Not just totally shut down. Its been hard but it I can honestly say that I am seeing some positive results. In the end, we love each other. We may not like the way things are going, or what is happening, but we both have the same end goal at heart; to raise our children in a happy and loving home.

So anyway, back to the appointment.

DR: “Well it would’ve been nice if you would have done the chromosomal testing because then we wouldn’t be sitting here going over the what ifs and we’d have a more definative answer”.

Husband: “The PA told us not to. There was such a high chance it would be inconclusive, she said it wouldn’t be worth it”.

DR: “That was the OB/GYN. They don’t deal with pregnancy loss in the same way we do”.

ME: “No, it was the PA”.

DR. “Well whether it was the doctor or her PA”…

H: “NO, it was YOUR PA”.

DR.: My PA would’ve never said that, thats not how we do it here”. Gets noticeably…angry? frustrated? uncomfortable?

H: “Well she did. I don’t remember her name but she was brand new at the time. She told us it was her first week working for you”.

So ya. There was that “uncomfortable” moment where husband and I knew we were right, but I’m also sitting there silently praying that husband will back down because I don’t want the man that literally has posession of our future offspring to hate us.

“ME”: Ok, well either way, we did what was recommended at the time, and we can’t take it back. Moving on”.

H: “This has been really hard on her. She has post-partum and everything and it seems like the minute she miscarried you were done with us”.

Doctor is again visibly agitated, I’m uncomfortable, and I wan’t to talk uteruses and embryos with the man. Husband, bless his heart is trying to protect me, but I need closure on this miscarriage and to move forward.

ME: “I’d rather not discuss the emotions of a miscarriage at this point. Can we please get back to my uterus”.

Let me say that I’m completely 100% on husband’s side here. But like I said, DR. is a very good DR., and I don’t really want turn his office against us before we go through another procedure. I’m a wimp when it comes to that kind of stuff, what can I say? I pick my battles carefully, especially when my opponent has posession of my 6 embryos.

And speaking of embryos. Yes, we have 6. 2: good/good; 2: good/fair 2: fair/fair. (They are rated good, fair or poor at this clinic). The 2 embryos transferred in June were good/good. So am I optimistic? I’m not sure yet. Cus the 2 good/good ones didn’t work before.

So I am waiting on an authorization from my insurance company to see if they will pay for a sonohystogram, which, THANK GOODNESS, is not the same as the HSG (painfully shooting dye through your fallopian tubes). The SHG, which I will be  having, shoots saline into your uterus and is suposedly not painful. Supposedly. It will be used to make sure that the removal of the uterine septum didn’t leave behind any scarring that could have contributed to my miscarriage. WAIT A SECOND. Didn’t I remove the septum because a lack of blood flow, should the embryo implant on the septum, would cause a miscarriage? And now we’re wondering if lack of blood flow caused by scarring from removal of the septum caused the miscarriage? ARGH.

BUT, he doesn’t think that is what it was. (But we don’t know for sure because we are morons who didn’t have the tissue tested)

SOOOOO, I am to STAY ON THE BIRTH CONTROL cus the SHG has to be performed while on birth control. (ick, I REALLY hope this new pack isn’t as bad as the last).

Heres how it could play out…

1) Birth control. (check)

2) Sonohystogram this month (pending)

3) Start Estrogen pills to build up uterine lining in 2-3 weeks if SHG checks out.

4) Begin progesterone when lining is optimal

5) “Day 6” transfer of 2 embryos right before Thanksgiving.

There is also some lupron in there somewhere, but I’m fuzzy on that particular detail. I am DEATHLY afraid of Lupron. DEATHLY. I have only heard horror stories about it. I didn’t have it with my last cycle, I was suppressed only with birth control pills. I’m scared…

So anyway, we’ll see. Husband wants to jump on the band wagon immediately and hopefully do another transfer before Thanksgiving. And of course I want to too. But I also know that with Christmas and car registrations and a freakin trip to Hawaii, its gonna be hard to pull off. REALLY HARD. Of course if we waited until January we’d be using money out of husband’s “loyalty bonus” so maybe it would be ok for the money to sit on a credit card for a month? I dunno. I just don’t know. These are some tough decisions. Being a grown up is hard. Remember being young and not ready for kids just yet and taking birth control to actually not get pregnant? And not just as the start of some crazy chemical cocktail to  hopefully get and keep you pregnant? UGH.