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SW Visit

Yesterday the social worker came to visit. He reiterated what he said over the phone the day before and threw in yet another zinger. The father said in court yesterday that he doesn’t know if the baby is his. WTF? Then why are you there?

The one family member in question for adopting her is a paternal relative who has not once called back in the 2.5 months since she was first told what needed to be done in order to take baby girl into her care. The mother asked yesterday if baby was with her. That leads me to believe they don’t even have regular contact with this family member. Also, it leads me to believe that the father may have mentioned the questionable paternity. Or, it could be that this YOUNG relative is being pressured to adopt but doesn’t want to. Who knows? I really need to quit speculating.

All I know is that I love this little girl and in my heart I believe she belongs here with us. I have to believe that two fertility cycles, two miscarriages, two d&c procedures and one failed adoption match weren’t just senseless twists of fate. I have to believe that these heartbreaking things happened because of her. Because we were meant to parent her.
I also have learned that I am a fairly warped individual and have come up with several plans to ensure her stay that raise even husbands eyebrow. (Don’t fuck with this new mama bear).

This roller coaster is similar to the 2ww. Or to those first few uncertain weeks of pregnancy. I am still infertile. I am still unsure. I am uneasy. One minute I am elated and the next Im crying. I’m sure she’s staying and then Im thinking I may as well go pack her bags.
But I an in it for the long haul. We are in love.
***UPDATE 5/17: to those who do not understand when someone exaggerates to make a point, I apologize. I know what I said and I am deeply sorry. I guess i shouldn’t have mentioned what most people, including my husband, take as a JOKE. an over exaggeration of real life. I really didn’t mean that I was going to find these people (how? No clue). I have no intention of stealing a child, nor do I have any intention of “plotting” against the parents. Jeez people. I won’t at any time befriend a pregnant person to steal her unborn child. Not to worry my pregnant friends, you will not hear my maniacal laughter as I sit awaiting your labor from the shadows! Rest easy….
I swear to you shit like this is why I stopped writing.

Nervous Ramblings Before my WTF Appointment…

I’m leaving for my doctor’s appointment in 45 minutes. In 45 minutes I will be walking into the place, where, the last time I was there my heart was broken. Not so much broken, actually, as ripped out of my chest and thrown on the floor and stomped on. It is where my heart was mauled. Mutilated. It’s a wierd thing, but every time I get off the freeway and turn on to the street that my clinic is on, I start to cry. I have to sit in the parking lot and wipe snot off my nose and put powder around my eyes, in my (most likely) pointless attempt to hide the fact that I am a wreck. From the very first appointment to the very last. And probably today. Well, maybe it’s not so wierd. I mean I am traveling to a ritzy part of San Diego, to a building with an elegant waiting room, friendly front desk staff, and a lab to make my baby. A LAB TO MAKE MY BABY. Of course I cry every time I go. I have to make my baby in a lab rather than doing it the normal way. The way that it is supposed to happen. Sorry if I sound bitter, its just because I kind of am.

So anyway, I am putting together my list of questions to ask my RE so that I don’t forget anything. I want statistics. I want COLD. HARD. FACTS. I’m not a numbers person by any means. I literally had to take college algebra three times to graduate, but when it comes to things like this, I  need numbers. I take comfort in statistics. In the facts. It’s why we went straight for the big guns and skipped the IUI route.      8% vs. 53%. It made the decision simple. And I was part of that 53%. I just also happened to be a part of that 10-15% for whom it doesn’t stick.

So I want to know what comes next. What are my chances of pregnancy? Of a SUCCESSFUL pregnancy? Do we go straight for a fresh cycle? Do we do the FET? How many do we transfer? And when? So many questions? SO MUCH fear…25 minutes til go time…