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The Duggar Family II and What Do I Do About Tomorrow Night?

Last night I posted a quick blurb about the Duggar Family’s memorial Pictures of baby Jubilee. I got 1 response, and I thought it was very thoughtful, heartfelt and loving. Here is what I responded with:

“I agree with you 100%. It was a life that was lost. The pictures were heartbreaking. They made me sick with sadness. As someone who has suffered a miscarriage, albiet an early one, I completely understand the loss of life. The loss of what was to be. I know the pain first hand. I think what bothered me about those pictures the most was that I could see them. Me. Not a family member. Not a close friend. Just someone messing around on the internet, looking at hollywood gossip. The death of a fetus is just not Hollywood gossip material. That memorial service was for the family to be able to grieve and to hopefully find closure. NOT for TMZ to post on their website. The Duggar family is considered a freak-show by many. Let’s face it. If they weren’t they wouldnt be garnering as much media attention as they do. That baby’s death should NOT be a part of that. I feel sorry for them in that respect and I do wish them peace. Thank your for your beautiful and touching response”.

When I first saw the pictures on TMZ I DID get sick. I DID want to throw up. I didn’t know what to feel. Seeing the images of that tiny fetus was heartwrenching. How can you not grieve right along with the family when those images tug at your heart? However, I was also angry that I was even seeing those images. Yes, I think they would be amazingly effective for an anti-abortion campaign, rather than the horrifying images that are often used. But this wasn’t an anti-abortion campaign. These were pictures from a private and personal memorial service taken by a grieving mother and father.  I am not afraid to admit that I was disgusted, seeing them on TMZ “Headline News”. Where do we draw the line? When do we just let a family be? When does a family have the right to greive and heal in peace? Maybe they did want to share those pictures. Maybe they do want the world to know that Jubilee was a part of it, if only for a very  short time. But I’m sure that even if that is the case, they can’t be happy that in putting Jubilee out to the world, they have been once again made to look like media attention whores. They have once again been put out there as that “freak family with 19  kids”. Once again, they have been opened up to all the mean and awful people of the world. The people who say that they are glad that she miscarried. That she didn’t deserve another child. Exactly who are we to decide that it was a good thing that Jubilee didnt make it into this world? Who are we to decide that Michelle Dugger didn’t deserve to have that child?

Yes, I have been shocked by the Duggars countless times, just as many others have been. I have wondered why this woman has been blessed by God so many times when I there is nothing I haven’t done to have a baby. I have wondered, if she is in fact correct on the whole blessing by God thing, what have I done that I am not blessed?  And yes, I have made fun of her hair, and guess what? I will continue to make fun of her hair until she gets a new do. But NONE of that makes me feel that she deserved to miscarry. None of that makes me glad that she did not carry that baby to term.

Anyway, enough about that. Back to a more exciting topic. Me! Haha.

Well I got great news today which is that after weeks and weeks of running around, driving to San Diego 3 times, and filling out and faxing countless forms, my mother officially has medi-cal. The oncologist that she will be seeing on Monday takes medi-cal on a special case by case basis and he agreed to follow her when she was in the hospital. Now at least we really do have the coverage when we go in to see him on Monday. I was stressing about telling her that the visit was going to cost $250.00 if it hadn’t gone through. I admit that I was going to wait until the last minute so that she couldn’t get pissed and back out. That is something she would do. She is difficult enough that she would fight it and potentially ruin the relationship with this doctor who has agreed to treat her. She can be a pain. But I love her.

I am doing well. Well in the sense that I am nauseous 100% of the time and peeing at least once if not twice a night. (Yes, I still have a nocturnal pee obsession).I am veiny and last night I sat down to change my pants and woke up an hour later…with no pants.  I know that it worked. In all honesty, it’s just a matter of how well it worked.  Unfortunately all of us know that there is such a thing as being a little bit pregnant. I have to wait and see, and hopefully I will turn out to be a lot pregnant. I will find out tomorrow. And then will begin the wait for Beta #2. And if that goes up, the wait for the ultrasound. And even then, if there is a little guy (or two!) I still won’t be satisfied, because I will have to wait for ultrasound #2, and ultrasound #2 was when it all went to shit last time. I am not sure that I will be satisfied until there is a baby, living and breathing, in my arms. Once upon a time, eight years ago, I got pregnant and there was hardly a doubt in my mind. I was having a baby. My gosh I wish I could return to that type of innocence and just be elated and enjoy…

OH! One last thing. We aren’t telling anyone until we are three months this time. Just in case. But here is the deal. It’s going to be HARD over the holidays. How do I get through without people knowing or guessing?

Example: Tomorrow night we are supposed to do a neighborhood “cocktail crawl”. Several neighbors, a stop at each house for one hour for an appetizer and a holiday drink. Ok. How in the HECK am I supposed to pull off a cocktail crawl? It’s easy to order a glass of wine I already know I hate and then pretend to just be disappointed with it. A cocktail crawl is a whole other story. Ok, If my test is negative or my beta is like 10 tomorrow, the cocktail crawl will be the best thing that ever happened to me. If it is over 100, well I’m going to have to get a flu or something right? Here’s the problem. My one neighbor is a very close friend and we actually planned this night together several months ago. She was incredibly helpful when I went through my fresh cycle. BUT, she also told EVERYONE I was pregnant. Neighbors were stopping me on the street to congratulate me. These same neighbors were also stopping me on the street to tell me how sorry they were a month later. All of these same neighbors will be participating tomorrow night.  We are not close with all of these neighbors, only a few. But we always all come together for things like this. Just to have some fun and keep up the whole goodwill amongst neighbors thing. Some of these neighbors are heavy drinkers. Not only are they heavy drinkers, but they are the “have a drink, why aren’t you having a drink, drink this, what’s wrong with you, why aren’t you drinking?” types. Sadly, I must admit, some of them are also the I can’t stand to be near them when they are drinking if I haven’t had a glass of wine” type of neighbors. You know, the kind that drive you to drink. I am happy, however, that our neighbors with the dogs that I want to kill are going to be at our house. Meaning that their dogs will be in the back yard and they won’t be at home. I am PRAYING that the dogs do their bat-shit crazy barking thing that they do when they aren’t home so that they can finally understand my pain. Maybe I’ll go make them sit in my son’s room so that they know what its like to try and go to sleep with their idiot dogs barking all night.

Ok. So. Any ideas guys? What do I do tomorrow night? How do I pull it off? Many of you I’m sure have hid the fact that you are trying or the fact that you may be pregnant. Ideas? Help? Save me? Please?

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FET Cycle Day 1

  • Woke up feeling bloaty and gassy. Damn you pre-natal vitamins.
  • Got up and got together supplies for first Lupron dose.
  • Marveled at the fact that I have 3 vials of meds from pharmacy rather than a million like with the fresh cycle. It ALREADY seems less stressful just for that reason.
  • Laid on bed icing stomach. Laughed about the “belly shot” I was about to get because it is far different from the “belly shots” that the Jersey Shore and Real World cast members do on top of bars on Friday and Saturday nights. Laughed more because I am funny.
  • Read celebrity news on iphone to distract myself from being stuck. Became angry that first article read while being stuck was about Jim-Bob and Michelle Duggar having their 20th child. Decided that Jim-Bob and Michelle are taking this whole “Go forward and multiply and replenish the earth” thing a bit too literally. G-d was not speaking only to them. He did not say, Jim-Bob and Michelle, it is up to you and only you to replenish this earth. He meant everyone.
  • Felt sick to stomach appx 15 minutes later, but can’t definitively say that it was from the Lupron, as was already bloaty from pre-natals and sick over the Duggars. Could have been a coincidence.
  • Still feel a little bit sick to stomach but am hungry so that could be it.
  • I am going to keep a log of all of my medication symptoms here, so if you are afraid of TMI, you might wanna steer clear for the next few weeks or so. I didn’t keep a record of my IVF medication or pregnancy symptoms and I want to do it this time. It might just help me when I get into the 2ww and am asking my husband, “Did I feel like this BEFORE the transfer?!”

I Hope this is true!!!

Well I finally got on to Pinterest so now I have something to do to fill in the time when I am not blogging or looking at Twitter. Yay me! I am excited to have fun things to look at and one more thing to distract me from everything going on. I am still feeling pretty calm at the moment. Still in a “I can’t control the situation, just go with it” type of mind-set. I hope it stays this way, but I know myself and my staying calm is a lot to ask for. I will freak out eventually, I am sure.  Sooner rather than later.

Another thing that I’ve decided is to keep this cycle quiet. I know there are a few people who follow me that know me in “real life”. That is fine. Keep your mouth shut. My mom was aware that I was considering a cycle this month but doesn’t know that I have started. I didn’t even know I was going to until yesterday. I am going to tell her though, if for no other reason than that we have to spend a total of 12 hours in a car together in 2 weeks and she might be wondering what happened to her daughter and why there is a hormone crazed lunatic in the seat beside her. I don’t think that I will really tell any friends and I don’t want to tell any other family members. Last time even my grandparents found out (thanks mom!) and it was just too much having them know what I did and that I miscarried. My grandfather is much too soft-hearted to deal with things like his oldest grand-daughter being infertile and having to go through IVF and a miscarriage. It made me feel that much more disappointed. And other family members that knew and stuff, well I know they didn’t know what to say the next time they saw me and I knew that they were all thinking about it and feeling bad for me by the looks on their faces. I don’t want that. I don’t want to have to keep saying “It’s all right, it happens”, when people tell me they are sorry for my loss.  I haven’t told my dad yet either, which is weird because I see him every day. But after the miscarriage his pep talk was, “it’s not meant to be, move on”. So I kinda got the feeling he didn’t think I should give it another try. I don’t know for sure if that’s the case but I just don’t feel like dealing with that right now.

I have also decided to skip the acupuncture this time around. I hope that I don’t regret it, but at the same time, acupuncture GIVES me anxiety. I have the opposite reaction to it. And again, its not the needles, its the laying there. And the finding the time to make an appointment. And the thinking about everything I should be doing while I am laying there.  So I think I’ll save myself that worry.

Either way. So ya. Today is day 1 of this cycle, with an end date of hopefully 12/7. Like I said, we may get into the TMI area, so I understand if you can’t hang. But if you can, I’d love to have you along for the ride. The good and bad.

*Head is feeling all pressure-y

*Feeling queasy, but most likely from hunger and/or prenatals.