RSS Feed

Tag Archives: dreams

Wednesday, Day before Thanksgiving

I just had 13 glorious hours of sleep. I went to bed at 6:30 last night and woke up only briefly when husband came home from bowling and again sometime around 2am when I had to pee.

Strange dreams though. I just kept having to tell people over and over that my mom has cancer. Breaking the news… I think maybe because I have been the bearer of bad news, having to tell my brother when he landed last week and then yesterday having to tell my 12 year old sister, which was the heaviest weight of all sitting on my shoulders. In my dream I had also been at the hospital and unable to shave my legs for so long that my leg hair was about 3″ long and all I had to wear was shorts…anyone think I’ve spent my fair share of time down there? Oh and also at one point in my dream I sat in a chair and when I stood up it was stuck to me cus my butt had gotten so big. Hospital cafeteria food anyone??

One of the harder things on me (physically) is that the hospital is right by my clinic, which means it’s more than an hour away. (convenient on monitoring days) When you spend anywhere between 6-9 hours sitting in a hospital room being emotionally and mentally drained, that long drive home is nearly impossible. (But, just so you guys don’t worry, I DO drive home and shower and shave my legs!)
Yesterday I left at 3, the earliest I’ve left since this all started, was home at about 4:30, ate dinner and crawled into bed. I left the kid at grandma’s house. I miss him like crazy but I would have been useless to him and at least at grandma’s he got to play with his cousin.

The good news on the fertility side of things (beside my rockin uterus) is that mom will be out of the hospital and resting but won’t be starting chemotherapy until well after my beta. So basically the stress will lessen tremendously during the most important part of the cycle. For that I am thankful.

I don’t think she’ll be home for Thanksgiving unless she actually discharges on Thanksgiving day. They have made no mention of discharging so I know it won’t be today. Dang, is it Thanksgiving already tomorrow?

On a different note, one reason (among the million) that I have always wanted more than one child is so that the child I do have doesn’t get stuck with the burden of caring for me or my husband on his own. This experience with my mom had strengthened that 10 fold. I don’t know what I would do without my brother to lean on. Husband is great, as are my aunts and grandparents, but NOBODY can comfort me, understand me or take weight off of my shoulders like he can. I want my son to have that.


Day After Surgery

I am in bed wishing I were still asleep. Now that she has moved from the oncology unit to the post-op floor, we have to follow normal visiting hours which means no staying the night with her and not getting there until 10am. In a way this is a blessing, as it gives us time to rest and regenerate for a long day ahead. My brother leaves to go back go Salt Lake today and I am dreading it. I do not want him to go. My mom’s sisters will start getting in today and tomorrow but I’m afraid the novelty of cancer will wear off and I’ll be stuck as the only caretaker as everyone else goes back to their normal lives. I know that this surgery business is the easy part compared to what’s to come. I fear for my 12 year old sister and what she will have to endure. Her father died. She has already been through so much.

As for FET #1, I’m on 3 estrogen a day right now and am having those vivid hormone dreams. That’s the only thing goin on with that.

Sweet Dreams are Made of This

I have been having some crazy dreams. And I dream. A LOT. I’m one of those people that dreams every night, and remembers my dreams, but really tries not to be one of those hey listen, I had this dream last night! people. Those people can be really annoying. (Sorry if you’re one of them). I usually only share my dreams when they are really over the top. Like the time I dreamt that I was an assasin but every time I got called on a mission I had to battle other assasins to the death and the last two standing had to dispose of the other assasin’s bodies together, and then get on with the mission. It was very stressful cus you never knew if you were going to be going on a mission or be dead, and it just kept happening over and over in different scenerios. (If this sounds like a totally awesome movie plot to you-because it IS-don’t even THINK about it! It was my dream and I’m the one that totally kicked ass and woke up tired as hell the next morning from all the totally stealth ass-kicking I did. Its my story).

Ok but my assasin dream was not the point of this post, so let me get back on track here. In the past week I have had some symbolic dreams. And again, I’m not a huge dream analyzer either, but these were a little to symbolic to not notice how symboic they were. I will share with you one.

We are driving along in my old car, which happens to be a suburban made to seat 8. In it was husband, son, me, my mom and my sister. Husband is driving and drives us right off of a bridge and plunges us into water. Husband somehow manages to escape car before it hits the water…As the car is filling with water and we are all drowning I am lucky enough that my power window still rolls down. (Hey, its a dream). So I roll down the window and I pull out son first, and bring him to the top. Then I go back down and manage to save both mom and sister at the same time. AND THEN, because I haven’t been heroic enough, I go BACK DOWN and save son’s blankies and doll. And then I wake up. So. In this drowning dream, I manage to save myself and three other people plus two blankets and a doll.


  • To dream that you are drowning indicates that you are feeling
    overwhelmed by emotions.
  • If your survive the drowning, then it means that a waking relationship or
    situation will ultimately survive the turmoil. 
  • To see someone drowning in your dream suggests that you are becoming
    too deeply involved in something that is beyond your control. Alternatively, it
    represents a sense of loss in your own identity. You are unable to differentiate
    who you are anymore.

  • To dream that you rescue someone from drowning indicates that you
    have successfully acknowledged certain emotions and characteristics that is
    symbolized by the drowning victim.

HOLY SYMBOLISM BATMAN!! My drowning dream had ALL of these elements. I was drowning, other people were drowning, I saved myself, AND I saved everyone else! And yes, I am overwhelmed by my emotions. On a daily basis I still have at least one completely overwhelming moment in which every particle in my body siezes with such a profound hurt, that I can’t move. And I very obviously am involved in something that is beyond my control. Hello? Infertility? IVF? I don’t think its possible that I have ever felt this out of control in my life. And maybe I am struggling with my identity just a little because of all of this. I mean the lines do become a little blurred when entrenched in something so emotional and so raw. But the good news is, because I survived the drowning myself, I will ultimately survive the turmoil….So says the Dream Dictionary anyway.