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Caffiene Overload

First off, I’d like to thank Starbucks for making my decaf latte caffinated. I RARELY drinks caffiene and when I do its generally not of the 400mg+ variety. So halfway through my VENTI latte my stomach started feeling funny. I started shaking. My heart started racing.  So great, I treated myself to a $4 drink that I can’t even finish because I already feel about 2 minutes away from a heart attack.

As you can see, the little box is CLEARLY marked decaf. Not only that, but the girl who took my order made the drink. AND I was the only one there. It’s not like she was super busy or got the drinks mixed up…Ok, I’m over it…Okay Im  not and I probably won’t be until I no longer feel like death, but anyway…

In 40 minutes I will be leaving for my doctor appointment. I really hope I can get something done about the way I have been feeling.

I want to know:

  1. Is it the Birth Control that is turning me in to a lunatic monster PMS freak?
  2. Is it the Birth Control that is making me break out like a 14 year old freshman boy?
  3. Is it the Birth Control that is causing me to be bloated, and to wake up with a stomach ache every freaking morning?
  4. What can I do about this major depression I am sinking into? I want to WANT to get out of bed. I would like to NOT be a bleary-eyed bloodshot mess by 7pm every night. I want to be interested in something again.
  5. Why does my office smell like old cream cheese? Ok maybe my doctor won’t be able to answer that but its an extremely valid question at this point in time. Who is eating What??

On another note, I may be becoming completely delusional. I have actually been thinking to myself, get ready for it….Maybe husband and I should try naturally again for a little while,cus, you know,  it could happen…YOU SEE? CLEARLY I am in dire need of the doctor appointment I have scheduled for this afternoon. I have gone completely mental.

New Me vs. OLD Me

Well I did a full hour of the castor oil pack last night, I took an epsom salt bath AND…Drum Roll Please…I slept through the ENTIRE night!! (Wild Applause and cheering) I know, I can’t believe it either. I woke up when my alarm went off. Husband was already gone. I didn’t even hear him getting ready. That NEVER happens. His snoring didn’t wake me. That NEVER NEVER happens.

I was able to get up a little bit better than I recently have been. Meaning I didn’t lay around and moan and groan and promise anything in the world to just be able to stay in bed and sleep.

I went to the gym even though my cramps and lower back are still buggin, though not as bad as they were yesterday. I managed to accomplish two miles before I couldn’t do it anymore. Not quite the 4 a day I was aiming for, but at this point something is better than nothing.

I went to Henry’s Marketplace, which has turned into a Sprouts since the last time I was in the Henry’s in this town. Quite upsetting. They didn’t have white balsamic and tried to pawn white wine vinegar off on me, as if that would do the trick. (I really don’t know how to cook and would’ve fell for it had it not been for Chef Google telling me not to, don’t be fooled).

I am anxious for my doctor appointment tomorrow. I need some relief. It’s only 12:56, I can’t leave here until 2:30, and really all I can think about is going home and pulling the blankets up over my head. I don’t like despise this new me. It is definately not a new and improved me. It is a yucky, feels like crap and I don’t like it new me. The new me has a constant stomach ache and heavy eye-lids. The new me never feels good. The new me can’t concentrate. The new me can’t wait until its dark outside so that I can get into bed. The new me blames me for the  miscarriage and for not being able to get pregnant, although the OLD me is logical and knows that the real problem is more the male factor part of it. New me keeps telling OLD me that the miscarriage wasnt because of  a random chromosomal abnormality, but because of either a sperm issue that we can never overcome or because I have an evil uterus. Take your pick. New me is mean and likes to mess with OLD me’s head.  New me likes to picture my unterine cavity as a treacherous place filled with land-mine like lesions and inflammation and smoke-like negative prostaglandins that are just waiting to swirl around and surround and suffocate any embryo brave enough to enter. New me keeps telling OLD me that IVF #1 was my one shot, that nothing else, no other try is going to work. New me thinks that if it didn’t work on the first try, its not going to work at all.

This is no way to live. The new me can suck it. The OLD me is in there somewhere and is FIGHTING to come back out and kick new me’s ass. The OLD me just needs a little help because new me has wrapped OLD me up and is smothering OLD me with a thick, heavy black blanket. But hopefully, with a little help, OLD me is going to make new me it’s bitch.

I’ll Be Hanging the Shame Curtain Now…

How does one go about trying to start a “lifestyle” change diet without throwing everything in the pantry and fridge out and having to spend a ton of money starting over?

Weeeellll, so far, for tomorrow night, I have decided on roasted green beans (I have the green beans and all the herbs except one that I will have to pick up) and a salad with home made tomato basil viniagrette (I have the lettuce, etc, just need to get one or two ingredients for the dressing) to go along with spagetti (turkey and I will use the small amount of gluten free noodles that I have in the cupboard for my portion). This is a brand new cook-book and I haven’t made these things before, so I’ll let you know if they’re any good. Anyway, I figure that since dinner is usually my biggest meal, the one that I sit down to with family, I will start there. If I can get at least my portions of dinner gluten/dairy/sugar free, that will be a good start. I guess I’ll work backwards from there. I usually bring lean cuisenes to work with me and I just bought a bunch so I’m gonna have to go through those before  can start working on that meal. They’re just to expensive to trash. PLUS, I really want to try and stick with this, and I know myself and I know that if I try and go all crazy all at once, I will be less likely to do so. It a pretty hard core change to try and follow this. Thats why I’ve never done it before. Because looking at the Endometriosis Diet list, after you exclude all the bad food, it really doesn’t seem like there is anything left. Especially not for a person that could live off of bean and cheese burritos.

Anyway, the other thing that I’ve decided to face today is that I am depressed. Like seriously depressed. Wow. Infertile AND Depressed. I’ve got TWO things goin on that one should NEVER talk about or tell people! Someone hang the shame curtain… I can’t get through a day without crying, multiple times, I can’t get through a day without telling myself that I am no good, that I am defective, that I will never have what I want most in the world. And it’s getting worse. Not better. This not normal behavior, but at least I realize this. I have struggled with depression in the past, and I can honestly say that this is far worse than anything I have been through before. I made a doctor appointment today. The soonest they can get me in Thursday, but hopefully Thursday I’ll be able to come up with a plan to get myself out of this fog. So not only will I be talking to doc about switching my BC, which is causing extreme acne as well as what I believe to be some sort of extra-psycho PMS, I will also be speaking to her about anti-depressants. My RE said to let my doc know that I will be trying to get pregnant probably at the beginning of the year, and that they should prescribe accordingly. Then I will just need to let my RE know what is prescribed so that they know if weaning off of an anti-depressant will be a part of my next cycle. One major thing that I am trying NOT to freak out about is weight gain with the anti-depressants. I had a hard time with Lexarpo in the past and when I switched to Wellbutrin because it didn’t have the weight gain effect, I found the Wellbutrin to be much less effective. (But I lost weight!) Thats another reason i REALLY want to get this healthy eating thing under my belt. I know, I know, don’t worry about weight, worry about getting healthy. Easy to say, but I know that gaining more weight will more than likely cause me to be more upset, feel worse about myself and have even lower self-esteem. I know that I have to be careful. Which is why I ate cheeseburger for dinner. (Wow! This chick really is nutso, she just went on and on about eating healthy and needing to feel good about herself and is now saying that healthy eating is why she ate a cheeseburger!) No but really, I ate a stupid burger and fries for dinner completely wiping out any good my crap work out did me today (STUPID ENDO PAIN!) and giving myself what will hopefully be my last dalliance with red meat and fried foods for a while.  Plus, I spent most of my day crying. It’s obvious that a burger and fries was the only reasonable dinner choice to restore and replenish whatever it is that your body loses when you spend all day in tears.

I was able to lay down with a heating pad, castor oil pack for an hour and now I have just the heating pad on my back. When I get the kid into bed I’ll be taking an epsom salt bath to hopefully relieve some of the tension in my lower back. Then I’ll be crawling into bed and hopefully sleeping the night through, waking up rested and able to actually pull myself out of bed and make it though a day without acting like some psycho PMS monster. Lofty goals, I know….