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My Story

I can honestly say that I went through hell this weekend and made it out the other side. I want to record what happened here. If you are worried about TMI, I understand if you don’t wish to continue reading. However, I was very thankful for DeadCowGirl’s account of what she went through during her miscarriage. I’d like to provide the same for others who are both scared as hell and wondering what might happen to them.

01/03/2011: 9am appointment at 6 Week 5 Day scan shows only a gestational sac. Sac is measuring on target. Nurse says she will consult with doc about whether we will wait for another scan or stop meds. Nurse asks whether I prefer a natural miscarraige or a D&C. As I had just had a D&C 5 months ago and was concerned about scarring, I told her I’d like to try and do it naturally. She warned me of the time it may take and the pain involved. 4pm the nurse calls and says Dr. K is “comfortable” with my stopping the meds. I do not take my evening doses.

01/04 & 01/05: I have cramps here and there but am still experiencing pregnancy symptoms. At this point I am considering D&C because it is mentally strenuous to be throwing up and having all the other symptoms of pregnancy knowing that you aren’t really pregnant. On 01/05 in the afternoon the RE’s office calls and says it will be $2900 to perform the D&C if I use my insurance, $2200 if I don’t. I laugh really hard. My decision is made. I will not be paying nearly as much as I paid to have the embryos transferred, to have them removed. On Thursday we have to go to a colleague’s house about an hour away and sign business documents. I am cramping but trying to play it cool. We take a winding mountain road home. At the bottom of the pass we pull into the parking lot of a liquor store and I vomit into a trash can and cry. For a full ten minutes.

01/06: Cramps increase througout the day although I don’t have any type of spotting until later that night. I go out and buy ginormous, heavy flow pads. At approximately 8pm it starts, although it remains fairly light throughout much of the next day.

01/07: I am on the couch for much of the day with cramps. I am taking norcos, which make me a little bit more high than vicodin does, but which I am apparently not allergic to. Husband has friends over and tries to keep everyone outside, but I have kids coming in and out of the house most of the day and have to see my brother-in-law and two of his friends a couple of times. I’m sure they were frightened by me, as I looked a hellish mess. I went to bed at around 8:30pm and slept like crap. Took a norco every four hours.

01/08: Got up at 8am and sat on the toilet. I was in excruciating pain and last does of painkiller had worn off. Husband had fallen asleep in the playroom with son so I was alone. I screamed his name, yelled out in pain, texted him twice and called his phone. He finally came in at about 8:30. By  8:40am I had managed to produce a small bowel movement and nothing more. I went back to bed. For the next 3.5 hours I proceeded to have contraction like cramps every one to two minutes. The pain was pretty intense. Husband stayed with me for most of that time. At right about noon, I felt something leaking. I went into the bathroom and sat down on the toilet. Over the next ten minutes I passed everything. It was painful and scary and felt like nothing I had every felt in my life. I was extremely hot and was sweating and shaking uncontrollably. Husband was downstairs so I called to him and he came in. He sat with me until I was finished. Just as the flow was ending I lost it mentally for a minute. I was sobbing and couldn’t stop. Husband Helped me get back to the bed and lay down. I couldn’t look at what was in there, but he did, and confirmed that it looked as though the sac and everything had passed. I continued to cramp for the next hour or so but it was much less intense. I got up to check my pad, and oddly, there was hardly any blood on it. I sat down on the toilet and passed a little bit more. I decided then that I wanted to shower, which I did but it was extemely difficult because I was so incredibly weak.

Since then I have been laying in bed drinking juice and looking at Pinterst. I just ate a couple of rolled tacos. I’m no longer cramping at all and just feel incredibly tired. All in all it took 6 days from my confirmation ultrasound to finish. It has not been an easy week. I am thankful for all my blogger and twitter friends who have had similar awful experiences and who helped me get through. And helped me stay somewhat sane.

I wish it didn’t have to happen this way, but I am thankful that I  have gotten through it.

This Post is Mostly about Peeing Which is Weird

Crampy, crampy, crampy, Veiny. Was really worried that I didn’t pee during the night but then realized that the last time I peed was at 12:30am and then when I woke up at 6:40 am. So that’s ok, right?? I’ve been average once a night around 1-1:30-ish and again at 6:30 but I’m usually asleep by 9:00 these days. Last night was late for me. OMG I’m posting about my night time peeing habits. Somebody put me out of my misery!!

New Me vs. OLD Me

Well I did a full hour of the castor oil pack last night, I took an epsom salt bath AND…Drum Roll Please…I slept through the ENTIRE night!! (Wild Applause and cheering) I know, I can’t believe it either. I woke up when my alarm went off. Husband was already gone. I didn’t even hear him getting ready. That NEVER happens. His snoring didn’t wake me. That NEVER NEVER happens.

I was able to get up a little bit better than I recently have been. Meaning I didn’t lay around and moan and groan and promise anything in the world to just be able to stay in bed and sleep.

I went to the gym even though my cramps and lower back are still buggin, though not as bad as they were yesterday. I managed to accomplish two miles before I couldn’t do it anymore. Not quite the 4 a day I was aiming for, but at this point something is better than nothing.

I went to Henry’s Marketplace, which has turned into a Sprouts since the last time I was in the Henry’s in this town. Quite upsetting. They didn’t have white balsamic and tried to pawn white wine vinegar off on me, as if that would do the trick. (I really don’t know how to cook and would’ve fell for it had it not been for Chef Google telling me not to, don’t be fooled).

I am anxious for my doctor appointment tomorrow. I need some relief. It’s only 12:56, I can’t leave here until 2:30, and really all I can think about is going home and pulling the blankets up over my head. I don’t like despise this new me. It is definately not a new and improved me. It is a yucky, feels like crap and I don’t like it new me. The new me has a constant stomach ache and heavy eye-lids. The new me never feels good. The new me can’t concentrate. The new me can’t wait until its dark outside so that I can get into bed. The new me blames me for the  miscarriage and for not being able to get pregnant, although the OLD me is logical and knows that the real problem is more the male factor part of it. New me keeps telling OLD me that the miscarriage wasnt because of  a random chromosomal abnormality, but because of either a sperm issue that we can never overcome or because I have an evil uterus. Take your pick. New me is mean and likes to mess with OLD me’s head.  New me likes to picture my unterine cavity as a treacherous place filled with land-mine like lesions and inflammation and smoke-like negative prostaglandins that are just waiting to swirl around and surround and suffocate any embryo brave enough to enter. New me keeps telling OLD me that IVF #1 was my one shot, that nothing else, no other try is going to work. New me thinks that if it didn’t work on the first try, its not going to work at all.

This is no way to live. The new me can suck it. The OLD me is in there somewhere and is FIGHTING to come back out and kick new me’s ass. The OLD me just needs a little help because new me has wrapped OLD me up and is smothering OLD me with a thick, heavy black blanket. But hopefully, with a little help, OLD me is going to make new me it’s bitch.

Welcome to Crazy Town, Population 1

Holy Wow. I am a raving lunatic today. Like a full-fledged crazy. What triggered it? I have NO IDEA. I think maybe the fact that my cramps are getting progressively worse. Like It hurts to stand up all the way straight kinda worse. I just don’t want them. Don’t want what they represent. Don’t want them.

Does anyone have any idea, can birth control pills cause extreme insanity during PMS? Like PMS x 1000? I mean beside the acne they’re causing, and the extreme difficulty in losing weight even with watching my diet and running 3-4 miles a day. But ok, the acne and the weight “plateu” I can deal with. This insanity? This calling my husband on the phone and making to him listen to me cry because I have no idea why I’m crying and all I know is that I can’t stop and that I’m drowning in emotions I can’t even begin to name muchless explain? I can’t handle this. I’m sure he can’t handle this. I just want to go home and go to bed. In fact, I think I will. Or at least go home to a heating pad. I want to go home and be happy, dammit, and smile and have a good time with my family and not feel like I am doing everything I can to keep my head above water.

Ok so on a lighter note, anyone with endo ever buy the endo-resolve (or similar) endometriosis diet book? Worth the money? Anyone have any brilliant body changes by changing thier diet or is it all a bunch of hooplah? Oh ok, I’ll admit it, I’m at the point that I’m all about hooplah and trying ANYTHING that might work. I mean hello, my bathroom counter looks like the vitamin isle at Walgreens. Who’s blog was it that I read that she called the unborn baby psychic? Can I get that number? =) AYYYYYYGAAAADDDDD… See? NUTS, I tell you! (no offense to the unborn baby psychic caller-I totally feel you). And then, there is an acupuncturist in my town that actually acts as a medium for your body and allows your body to speak to you. I went to her once on accident not knowing that my body would have so much to say (or that the body-medium thing would even happen) but now? I may go back. I’d like to have a little chit-chat with this freaking endometriosis and tell it to back the hell down, while also finding out what the hell it exactly has against me to be causing me so much pain?

OMG. anyway, like I said, Crazytown, population 1, thats me…

Oops I forgot a title

I’m feeling very crampy today. Very pressure-y. Very endometriosis-y. I don’t like it. Not ONE bit. It actually promted me to finally make the call to make my WTF appointment. I am on birth control to keep the endo from growing until I decide to cycle again. Why am I feeling crampy, pressure-y and endometriosis-y one and a half weeks before my “week off”? Anyway, I did call, and hearing the sound of the receptionists voice very nearly brought me to tears. How much time have I spent on the phone with her? Wasn’t she there and bringing me tissues when not only did I learn of the “fetal demise” but had to immediately get on the phone and start fighting with my insurance company rather than allowing the news to sink in? Yup, she has been there through it all, good and bad. And just her voice brought me back to that. The good and the bad. The hope and the heartbreak. So anyway, I will be going in on Oct 4th at 11:30am to FINALLY speak with my doctor. That is one think I can say, I kinda mind about this clinic. I have only seen my doctor 3 times. The initial consultation, the laparoscopy day and the Embryo Transfer day. (The Egg Retrieval was performed by his partner, so technially, I did see a doc, but not MINE). He didn’t even come in when I learned that I was miscarrying from the NP. Is it wrong that that rubs me the wrong way? So ya, anyway, thats the day. Seeing as it is at 11:30 I will probably end up going on my own because it is harder for husband to break away mid-day, especially since his job takes him through three different counties in Southern California, with the county of my clinic being his least visited, so it could be kinda hard for him. Thats ok though, seeing as I’m pretty much a reproductive specialist myself these days, I think I can handle it.

Anyway, anyone with some good advice on questions to ask, I’m open to suggestions! I want to cover all my bases and hopefully have a successful next try!!