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Thanksgiving 2011

The past few days have been beyond rough. Especially since the regular doctors left for the holiday and allowed Doctor Doom and Gloom to stand in. Dr. Doom and Gloom threw me through a loop after all the hope that Doctor “that British guy”, as my mom calls him, gave us. I must admit to a total emotional breakdown in the arms of my aunt around 7pm this evening. I can only handle so much. I just wish she was doing better. She was hitting all her markers and without warning started to backslide horribly. I have no idea what is going on. I am tired, I am emotionally drained, I miss my family, my house is a mess and while i want to spend 8 hours a day plus 2 hours drive time to be with my mom, I just don’t think I can keep up this schedule. It is breaking me already. I need to know when to say when and according to my Aunt, that time has arrived.

In other news, a tad twingy and lots of cervical mucous. Still only side effects. Oh and starting to break out again.

Happy thanksgiving to you all. I wish i was feeling a bit more thankful and hopeful. Unfortunately, and not to be a downer, that’s just not the case. I’m sorry. I hope you all had a wonderful day.


Today is Over, For That I am Thankful

I will start this post with a bit of TMI, so if you don’t care to know skip ahead….
1) nipples are “bumpy” but NOT veiny. I will need to reflect back on this when I am searching for symptoms. Bumps yes, veins no. Veins were how I knew the last transfer had taken. Note: bumps before transfer = medication side effect.
2) abundant cervical mucous = medication side effect… Just sayin.

So the next part of this post I will start out by saying I love my mom dearly. Ok. So that said, she is the worst freaking patient I have ever laid eyes on. If I were her nurse today I would have quit. God bless June and whoever comes on for the night shift. The woman is a she-devil who chased out 2 of her sisters as well as myself with pure nastiness. (mom I’m sorry if you ever happen across this site, but it’s true-and I also hope to God you never do come across it) I love you dearly but you are a nurse’s worst nightmare.
I am compassionate and caring and loving and I understand that anger is a phase of grief. But we are all human and we are not punching bags. I do not sit by your bed for nine hours a day because it’s fun, I do it because you want me there and need me there and I love you and i would do anything for you. I do it so that you have help and so that you do not feel lonely. I have done things i have not wanted to
do to spare you the grief. I didn’t want to have to be the one to tell my
Brother and sister about the cancer. I didn’t want to have to be the one to hold Everyone up when the news was delivered. I was the rock and I had none of my own. I didn’t want that but I did it for you. So dammit, be sad, be angry, be whatever you want to be but please don’t take it out on me, the one person who hasn’t left your side. Because outwardly I am strong, but inwardly I am still your daughter and I am just as scared as you are. I can’t imagine how you feel, but i know what it feels like to fear losing my mother. I may not have to go thru this physically but I will endure it emotionally.
I know this is not about me at all, but still I MUST take my over all health in to consideration.