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These Coming Months

So this post is not meant to sound whiney and ungrateful, which I’m sure it will. But It’s not meant to. It’s really not.  I’m just warning you.

So in July, a couple of weeks after we plopped all of our money and then some on two shots at IVF, my dad suprised our entire family with a trip to Hawaii, scheduled for October. HAWAII, YAY, WE’RE GOING TO HAWAII IN OCTOBER!!!! We have never been so suprise and are bowled over by the genorosity of it all. The plane tickets and lodging (room shared with brother and fiance but so what!!) are taken care of, all we have to do is have the money for our meals and entertainment. We could not ask for a better gift! WE ARE GOING TO HAWAII!!!!

And then reality sets in…We just spent EIGHTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS ON IVF. We DO NOT have ONE EXTRA CENT. Hawaii is EXPENSIVE. We have LESS THAN THREE MONTHS to pull the money together. SPECIFICALLY, we have FIVE two paychecks to pull the money together.

When husband and I were wiping out our savings account budgeting for the IVF, we were in no way even thinking, dreaming, contemplating jumping on a plane and heading off to some exotic destination. We were budgeting for IVF, hoping number one would work, but paying in advance for the safety of a number two. We went in to the IVF fully aware that things would be tight for a while. Possibly a long while if IVF #1 didn’t work out as planned, which it didn’t. Our end goal and our resources were planned for baby making.

Which leads me to another point. I’m only six or seven weeks since my miscarriage and know I have to wait until November to try again, but am already going from “HELL NO I”LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!” to “Maybe I do want to try again when I can”. EXCEPT, that money that would normally be going toward the FET/IVF, medication/ ICSI pot (because even in pre-paid cycles meds and ICSI still amount to an extra 4k, and an FET with meds is 4k, so four grand no matter which way you go) is now going to the Hawaii pot. But again, there really is no money so I guess the whole thing is a moot point.

So to re-cap. We spent every penny in an effort to have baby #2. From a few weeks ago until the end of the year, WITHOUT even thinking about an IVF re-do this is what I have/have had to stress about having money for:

  1. WOW! My insurance SUCKS! EXTREMELY high copay for d&c after paying 100% out of pocket for IVF.
  2. Must buy school uniforms before Aug 29th.
  3. Husband goes on trip to Laughlin at end of August with his bowling league.
  4. Husband goes on hunting trip opening weekend, first weekend of September.
  5. Husband’s car needs tires, he keeps putting it off, I’m guessing so he can keep spending money on all these wonderful trips of his instead of something as boring as tires.
  6. Trip to Hawaii, OCT 18th for 7 days
  7. Halloween AS SOON AS WE GET BACK, which is a big deal in our house and neighborhood and usually entails much $$ spending, but probably won’t this year, as we won’t have the dough or time to plan. (Am secretly grateful it falls on a school night so our annual bash most likely won’t happen)
  8. Car #1 registration due 11/1
  9. Car #2 registration due 11/9
  10. RV registration due 11/6
  11. My birthday on 11/8, on which I will beg and plead that husband get me nothing, as I just want baby money and/or Christmas money so that Kid has a good Christmas.
  12. Kid’s 7th birthday Nov 14.
  13. Travel to Northern CA for wedding of dear cousin for the weekend of Nov 19. VERY excited but is being held in VERY expensive part of CA and will have to get myself there (gas in so cal averaging 3.90 a gallon right now. Will it go up or down?) and get hotel room (200+ a night?). Husband and Kid will more than likely stay behind and I will ride up with family unless we win the lotto.
  14. AND… all of this while gearing up for CHRISTMAS!!!!!

So anyway, ya, I may have a couple of panic attacks between now and December 31st. And like I said, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, so if any of you reading this are family members, you better just keep your mouth shut, cus I’m not being ungrateful. I love my dad and am so excited for this opportunity.

I’m just trying to figure out how to make it all work, ALL OF IT, the whole rest of this stupid year, after spending what we spent (everything) on one fabulous miscarriage.


Without a Trace

Like a million years ago, before we were diagnosed with the dreaded secondary infertility, we had discussed adoption. Just something we were interested in, something we might want to do. We had social workder from an agency come out and learned a little about it. Afterwards we learned from several adoptive parents that agencies were not the way to go in our area and to look into the department of social services. We kicked it around a little more but never took action. However, after the diagnosis it was our first inclination to adopt, all the other infertility BS came later…

A year ago this month, we signed up for adoption orientation in our county. We completed our medical testing. We sat on the wait list and finally started our classes in January 2011 and finished in April. We went through mandated counseling in order to be deemed sane and able to parent. We endured the lengthy and invasive home study. According to the county we are ready to be given a beautiful bundle of joy. According to the state of California? Not so much. Let me put it this way. If you need an accomplice in a crime, call me. I have NO fingerprints. I won’t leave a trace behind. The FBI and the state of California will not approve me for adoption. i have been trying since November 2010. Which leads to me where I sit right now, in my car, in front of the department of social services, waiting for them to open so I can give this finger printing thing a THIRD go round.

Really? I just want a baby. I want to give my almost 7 year old son a sibling before he goes off to college.I don’t care if this baby comes from inside me or from someone who was able to give life but unable and ill equipped to care for that life…

Well I just finished my printing. lets see. The first time they got 1 finger. The second time 3 fingers. This time one “slap”and 3 fingers off of each hand. Lets hope this is it. The dpss employee doing the prints was horrified that I had been trying to get clearance from the state since November.”REDICULOUS”, she said, “Such a sad thing”. I would have to agree.

I will now be emailing the state worker to let her know that I have completed my THIRD set of fingerprints and to please watch for them, and to please request a manual background check immediately if they are again denied. I will then email her once a week “just to check in”.

I really have no idea what the correct path is for us. Maybe its another IVF, maybe its accepting a child born of a different biological parent into our hearts and into our home. Maybe our path is to truely only have one child. I will accept what is right and what is meant to be, but that doesn’t mean that if our true destiny is only one child, I’m not gonna fight it and give that fight all I have. They say that God doesnt give us more than we can handle. Maybe thats true, because I may feel weak right now, but I KNOW that I can handle this fight.