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Wednesday, Day before Thanksgiving

I just had 13 glorious hours of sleep. I went to bed at 6:30 last night and woke up only briefly when husband came home from bowling and again sometime around 2am when I had to pee.

Strange dreams though. I just kept having to tell people over and over that my mom has cancer. Breaking the news… I think maybe because I have been the bearer of bad news, having to tell my brother when he landed last week and then yesterday having to tell my 12 year old sister, which was the heaviest weight of all sitting on my shoulders. In my dream I had also been at the hospital and unable to shave my legs for so long that my leg hair was about 3″ long and all I had to wear was shorts…anyone think I’ve spent my fair share of time down there? Oh and also at one point in my dream I sat in a chair and when I stood up it was stuck to me cus my butt had gotten so big. Hospital cafeteria food anyone??

One of the harder things on me (physically) is that the hospital is right by my clinic, which means it’s more than an hour away. (convenient on monitoring days) When you spend anywhere between 6-9 hours sitting in a hospital room being emotionally and mentally drained, that long drive home is nearly impossible. (But, just so you guys don’t worry, I DO drive home and shower and shave my legs!)
Yesterday I left at 3, the earliest I’ve left since this all started, was home at about 4:30, ate dinner and crawled into bed. I left the kid at grandma’s house. I miss him like crazy but I would have been useless to him and at least at grandma’s he got to play with his cousin.

The good news on the fertility side of things (beside my rockin uterus) is that mom will be out of the hospital and resting but won’t be starting chemotherapy until well after my beta. So basically the stress will lessen tremendously during the most important part of the cycle. For that I am thankful.

I don’t think she’ll be home for Thanksgiving unless she actually discharges on Thanksgiving day. They have made no mention of discharging so I know it won’t be today. Dang, is it Thanksgiving already tomorrow?

On a different note, one reason (among the million) that I have always wanted more than one child is so that the child I do have doesn’t get stuck with the burden of caring for me or my husband on his own. This experience with my mom had strengthened that 10 fold. I don’t know what I would do without my brother to lean on. Husband is great, as are my aunts and grandparents, but NOBODY can comfort me, understand me or take weight off of my shoulders like he can. I want my son to have that.

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Monday, I Think, but Does it Really Matter Anyway?

To say that I’ve come a long way would be an understatement. As I said in earlier posts, I’m now queen of my own shots. No biggie. So now, the girl who gets all vomit-y at the thought of anything bodily fluid related just sat and ate pop-chips (gluten free!) with a cup of yuck bile-y stuff from a wound drain right in front of me. DIDN’T. EVEN. FLINCH.

So thats fantastic, let’s see what else…I got stuck in the elevator and had to push the doors open to escape. Not on my list of things I’d ever wanted to do. Panic attack set in but I regained my cool pretty quickly and got the damn doors open. Coulda been worse.

I’ve learned that my mom, God love her, is a pain in the ass in-patient and I feel for her nurses when I’m not here to be at her beck and call. Hospital nurses should get major awards and medals and things, because I’m sure shes not the only one, or even the worst.

I’ve learned that I love hospital social workers. They are amazing people full of compassion and resources and free coffee cart cards 8)

I’ve learned that I really miss my brother even though he only left  yesterday and that he is more important to me than I can even express. I wouldn’t have gotten through the week without him. Ditto for my dad. My parents divorced when I was about 13, but dad was the one who flew my brother in within hours, paid for a hotel room for us so that we didnt have to drive the hour + back and forth, ran errands for us, was there within the hour to comfort me when we got the diagnosis, and was there to sit with us during her surgery.

Tomorrow morning I have an ultrasound to see how things are going. For the first time in all of this, I messed up and left my Lupron bottle (almost empty) out of the fridge when I left the house this morning. Husband made it home and I’m hoping he remembered to put it back in the fridge. I’m also hoping that tomorrow will be my last lupron dose. I can’t even remember when I started it to be honest. I know it was probably about a week before the shit hit the fan around here.  I’m still on 3 estrace tablets a day and will be moving up to four tomorrow. No real side effects, just some over the right ovary twinges.  I can’t tell if I’m more emotional, because well, It has been an emotional week anyway. The worst week, actually. But hey, silver lining, I have had NO TIME to obsess over this FET. I don’t even think about it except when I’m taking my meds. That is nice. I really just hope that it works. And I really just  hope that my mom gets out of here soon and that we can move forward with the rest of her treatment. I hate cancer. I hate it.