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Hope (?)

Let me just start by saying that my husband suprised me by making it to the appointment this morning. There he was, as I was pulling in, waiting on the sidewalk. That means so much to me. I don’t really talk about husband all that much, mostly out of respect for his privacy, but I have to say that things haven’t been easy. Infertility sucks. It sucks for the woman, it sucks for the man and it sucks for the couple. We both deal with our emotions in completely different ways. I pull into myself. I want quiet. I want to think. I want to reflect. I want to be alone. He has a hard time with that. So he tries to pull me out. Which makes me retreat further. Its been this totally unhealthy dance, backward and forward, pulling, pushing, pulling, pushing. I recently made the conscious effort to try and come out on my own. Be  more open. Not just totally shut down. Its been hard but it I can honestly say that I am seeing some positive results. In the end, we love each other. We may not like the way things are going, or what is happening, but we both have the same end goal at heart; to raise our children in a happy and loving home.

So anyway, back to the appointment.

DR: “Well it would’ve been nice if you would have done the chromosomal testing because then we wouldn’t be sitting here going over the what ifs and we’d have a more definative answer”.

Husband: “The PA told us not to. There was such a high chance it would be inconclusive, she said it wouldn’t be worth it”.

DR: “That was the OB/GYN. They don’t deal with pregnancy loss in the same way we do”.

ME: “No, it was the PA”.

DR. “Well whether it was the doctor or her PA”…

H: “NO, it was YOUR PA”.

DR.: My PA would’ve never said that, thats not how we do it here”. Gets noticeably…angry? frustrated? uncomfortable?

H: “Well she did. I don’t remember her name but she was brand new at the time. She told us it was her first week working for you”.

So ya. There was that “uncomfortable” moment where husband and I knew we were right, but I’m also sitting there silently praying that husband will back down because I don’t want the man that literally has posession of our future offspring to hate us.

“ME”: Ok, well either way, we did what was recommended at the time, and we can’t take it back. Moving on”.

H: “This has been really hard on her. She has post-partum and everything and it seems like the minute she miscarried you were done with us”.

Doctor is again visibly agitated, I’m uncomfortable, and I wan’t to talk uteruses and embryos with the man. Husband, bless his heart is trying to protect me, but I need closure on this miscarriage and to move forward.

ME: “I’d rather not discuss the emotions of a miscarriage at this point. Can we please get back to my uterus”.

Let me say that I’m completely 100% on husband’s side here. But like I said, DR. is a very good DR., and I don’t really want turn his office against us before we go through another procedure. I’m a wimp when it comes to that kind of stuff, what can I say? I pick my battles carefully, especially when my opponent has posession of my 6 embryos.

And speaking of embryos. Yes, we have 6. 2: good/good; 2: good/fair 2: fair/fair. (They are rated good, fair or poor at this clinic). The 2 embryos transferred in June were good/good. So am I optimistic? I’m not sure yet. Cus the 2 good/good ones didn’t work before.

So I am waiting on an authorization from my insurance company to see if they will pay for a sonohystogram, which, THANK GOODNESS, is not the same as the HSG (painfully shooting dye through your fallopian tubes). The SHG, which I will be  having, shoots saline into your uterus and is suposedly not painful. Supposedly. It will be used to make sure that the removal of the uterine septum didn’t leave behind any scarring that could have contributed to my miscarriage. WAIT A SECOND. Didn’t I remove the septum because a lack of blood flow, should the embryo implant on the septum, would cause a miscarriage? And now we’re wondering if lack of blood flow caused by scarring from removal of the septum caused the miscarriage? ARGH.

BUT, he doesn’t think that is what it was. (But we don’t know for sure because we are morons who didn’t have the tissue tested)

SOOOOO, I am to STAY ON THE BIRTH CONTROL cus the SHG has to be performed while on birth control. (ick, I REALLY hope this new pack isn’t as bad as the last).

Heres how it could play out…

1) Birth control. (check)

2) Sonohystogram this month (pending)

3) Start Estrogen pills to build up uterine lining in 2-3 weeks if SHG checks out.

4) Begin progesterone when lining is optimal

5) “Day 6” transfer of 2 embryos right before Thanksgiving.

There is also some lupron in there somewhere, but I’m fuzzy on that particular detail. I am DEATHLY afraid of Lupron. DEATHLY. I have only heard horror stories about it. I didn’t have it with my last cycle, I was suppressed only with birth control pills. I’m scared…

So anyway, we’ll see. Husband wants to jump on the band wagon immediately and hopefully do another transfer before Thanksgiving. And of course I want to too. But I also know that with Christmas and car registrations and a freakin trip to Hawaii, its gonna be hard to pull off. REALLY HARD. Of course if we waited until January we’d be using money out of husband’s “loyalty bonus” so maybe it would be ok for the money to sit on a credit card for a month? I dunno. I just don’t know. These are some tough decisions. Being a grown up is hard. Remember being young and not ready for kids just yet and taking birth control to actually not get pregnant? And not just as the start of some crazy chemical cocktail to  hopefully get and keep you pregnant? UGH.

Welcome to Crazy Town, Population 1

Holy Wow. I am a raving lunatic today. Like a full-fledged crazy. What triggered it? I have NO IDEA. I think maybe the fact that my cramps are getting progressively worse. Like It hurts to stand up all the way straight kinda worse. I just don’t want them. Don’t want what they represent. Don’t want them.

Does anyone have any idea, can birth control pills cause extreme insanity during PMS? Like PMS x 1000? I mean beside the acne they’re causing, and the extreme difficulty in losing weight even with watching my diet and running 3-4 miles a day. But ok, the acne and the weight “plateu” I can deal with. This insanity? This calling my husband on the phone and making to him listen to me cry because I have no idea why I’m crying and all I know is that I can’t stop and that I’m drowning in emotions I can’t even begin to name muchless explain? I can’t handle this. I’m sure he can’t handle this. I just want to go home and go to bed. In fact, I think I will. Or at least go home to a heating pad. I want to go home and be happy, dammit, and smile and have a good time with my family and not feel like I am doing everything I can to keep my head above water.

Ok so on a lighter note, anyone with endo ever buy the endo-resolve (or similar) endometriosis diet book? Worth the money? Anyone have any brilliant body changes by changing thier diet or is it all a bunch of hooplah? Oh ok, I’ll admit it, I’m at the point that I’m all about hooplah and trying ANYTHING that might work. I mean hello, my bathroom counter looks like the vitamin isle at Walgreens. Who’s blog was it that I read that she called the unborn baby psychic? Can I get that number? =) AYYYYYYGAAAADDDDD… See? NUTS, I tell you! (no offense to the unborn baby psychic caller-I totally feel you). And then, there is an acupuncturist in my town that actually acts as a medium for your body and allows your body to speak to you. I went to her once on accident not knowing that my body would have so much to say (or that the body-medium thing would even happen) but now? I may go back. I’d like to have a little chit-chat with this freaking endometriosis and tell it to back the hell down, while also finding out what the hell it exactly has against me to be causing me so much pain?

OMG. anyway, like I said, Crazytown, population 1, thats me…