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Tag Archives: anti-depressants

Feeling Like I Live at the Doctor’s Office and Other Random Thoughts

I have my first therapy appointment on Friday to work on dealing with this whole infertility/miscarriage issue. Then, on Monday, I have a 9am appointment with my regular doctor to see if we need to up my anti-depressant doseage. From there I have a 10:30am appointment with my OB/GYN to make sure that everything is ok on *ahem* that end before we move on to another cycle.

On Tuesday, I get to hop on a plane and fly off to Hawaii. I am SO EXCITED. The level of stress this trip was bringing me is beginning to lessen as the trip gets closer. I want to get out of here so bad. I will be gone for seven days, Tuesday to Tuesday. I refuse to worry about money, or taking money away from my FET fund in order to go on this trip. I will have a good time with my family. I will NOT stress.

On Wednesday, the day after we get back I will wake up, drop my son off at school, and head to the REs office for the sonohystogram that I just scheduled today. I seriously feel like I go to the doctor more than anybody. Ever. I may actually be starting to develop a complex over it. Thats how much I go to the doctor…Just wait until I add in the acupuncture appointments, which I plan on doing just as soon as we’re back from vacation.

I have also been trying harder to eat gluten free. This whole endometriosis diet is SO hard to do though! I know it’ll be worth it, but there are so many things that you CAN’T eat, It’s hard to remember! I went to El Pollo Loco today and got a salad that basically just had lettuce, tomato and avocado on it, with a little bit of cojita cheese. (I think dairy will be the last thing I give up, I’m saddest about that). I also ordered a soft taco on a corn tortilla, because I was afraid that a plate of lettuce smothered in mild salsa wouldn’t be satisfying and I didn’t want to find myself looking for a snack before dinner. Well I ordered a STEAK taco, and was 1/2 way done eating it before I realized that I’m not supposed to be eating RED MEAT!!! UGH!! Oh well I guess its okay though, as I eat red meat very infrequently as it is. Not even once a week, often times even less than that. But still. It is by far the hardest diet in the world to follow, especially when you are on the go and starving. I will definately need to become one of those people who makes all thier meals on Sundays and freezes them to eat throughout the week. Thats the only way I can see making this work. So anyway, for right now I guess I’m really just trying to go gluten and sugar free, the red meat will follow, and then finally dairy. =(

I went to the dentist yesterday and had my bite fixed finally. OH MY GOODNESS. You have no idea how good it feels to have be able to close my jaw all the way. My excruciating headache went to a dull throb within minutes of having it fixed, and now the pain is gone.

Well thats about all that is going on with me…I want to wish good luck and send prayers out to a couple of people whos blogs I have been reading, who have quite a bit going on right now. Hopefully you know who you are. I will be thinking of you!

My Retirement from Bowling and Other Weekend Happenings

I have to say that I am loving my new online friends. You guys make me smile. And you give me hope. You make me feel stronger. I am thankful for all of you. I can’t believe how many people I am rooting for, or sad for or just thinking and wondering about, in such a short period of time. Am I wierd or does anyone else feel that way? Anyway, talking to all of you is such a pleasant suprise for me. I started my blog with the intention of blah-ing out my feelings to get them off my chest. I figured I’d get a few views here and there. I supposed that I might connect with a person or two. I had no idea that I’d find such support. So thank you…

Let’s see. What went on over the weekend?

1) Friday night @ a friend’s house. Husband and his buddies played pool, while a friend and I (sadly both a bit cranky) sat and bitched about our weeks. It was nice. Sometimes you just gotta bitch and its nice when you meet up with a friend who just has to bitch too. =)

2) Saturday, a 1st birthday party. It was a lot of fun but it was also a bit sad for me. Several of the little ones there were conceived LONG after I started trying, including the birthday boy. But I see these babies frequently and I was okay with it. I was fine with it until the token pregnant girl at the party showed up. And then I just layed out a blanket on the grass, plopped myself down and took a nice little nap in the shade. Thats the nice thing about parties at parks, you CAN lay down on a blanket, because you’re not the only one doing it. It doesn’t seem at all wierd. Luckily we weren’t at, like, Chuck E Cheese or something. I cried on the way home. Friends over in the evening and a couple of glasses of wine. I secretly wanted to go to bed but still, it was nice seeing friends.

3) Sunday, laid in bed until 10am with husband and then bowling with the fam and a couple of friends. I can honestly say that I began and ended my bowling career with one game. I guess I enjoy bowling alley food and drinks much more than the actually playing…Hung with the neighbors in the afternoon. Seriously unhealthy dinner of frozen french fries smothered in home made chili WITH GROUND BEEF! EEEK! In bed by 7:30.

Ok, you may or may not have caught on to the fact that I have been either sleeping, or wanting to sleep quite a bit. As in, its all I think about. Yesterday was the absolute worst, as I bought a new pillow after we went bowling. That pillowed called to me all day, like nothing has ever called to me before. I think its a side effect of the new medication. While it is helping tremendously, I am tired a lot of the time. I can hardly stay up past 8pm. Some nights, like last night, I only  made it until 7:30. When I do stay up, 10pm is my absolute limit. I’m hoping that this is a side effect that lets up and will eventually go away. Anyone with any ideas on that?

Allright well I’m off to call the dentist and have this bite problem fixed before my jaw officially breaks!

New Me vs. OLD Me

Well I did a full hour of the castor oil pack last night, I took an epsom salt bath AND…Drum Roll Please…I slept through the ENTIRE night!! (Wild Applause and cheering) I know, I can’t believe it either. I woke up when my alarm went off. Husband was already gone. I didn’t even hear him getting ready. That NEVER happens. His snoring didn’t wake me. That NEVER NEVER happens.

I was able to get up a little bit better than I recently have been. Meaning I didn’t lay around and moan and groan and promise anything in the world to just be able to stay in bed and sleep.

I went to the gym even though my cramps and lower back are still buggin, though not as bad as they were yesterday. I managed to accomplish two miles before I couldn’t do it anymore. Not quite the 4 a day I was aiming for, but at this point something is better than nothing.

I went to Henry’s Marketplace, which has turned into a Sprouts since the last time I was in the Henry’s in this town. Quite upsetting. They didn’t have white balsamic and tried to pawn white wine vinegar off on me, as if that would do the trick. (I really don’t know how to cook and would’ve fell for it had it not been for Chef Google telling me not to, don’t be fooled).

I am anxious for my doctor appointment tomorrow. I need some relief. It’s only 12:56, I can’t leave here until 2:30, and really all I can think about is going home and pulling the blankets up over my head. I don’t like despise this new me. It is definately not a new and improved me. It is a yucky, feels like crap and I don’t like it new me. The new me has a constant stomach ache and heavy eye-lids. The new me never feels good. The new me can’t concentrate. The new me can’t wait until its dark outside so that I can get into bed. The new me blames me for the  miscarriage and for not being able to get pregnant, although the OLD me is logical and knows that the real problem is more the male factor part of it. New me keeps telling OLD me that the miscarriage wasnt because of  a random chromosomal abnormality, but because of either a sperm issue that we can never overcome or because I have an evil uterus. Take your pick. New me is mean and likes to mess with OLD me’s head.  New me likes to picture my unterine cavity as a treacherous place filled with land-mine like lesions and inflammation and smoke-like negative prostaglandins that are just waiting to swirl around and surround and suffocate any embryo brave enough to enter. New me keeps telling OLD me that IVF #1 was my one shot, that nothing else, no other try is going to work. New me thinks that if it didn’t work on the first try, its not going to work at all.

This is no way to live. The new me can suck it. The OLD me is in there somewhere and is FIGHTING to come back out and kick new me’s ass. The OLD me just needs a little help because new me has wrapped OLD me up and is smothering OLD me with a thick, heavy black blanket. But hopefully, with a little help, OLD me is going to make new me it’s bitch.

I’ll Be Hanging the Shame Curtain Now…

How does one go about trying to start a “lifestyle” change diet without throwing everything in the pantry and fridge out and having to spend a ton of money starting over?

Weeeellll, so far, for tomorrow night, I have decided on roasted green beans (I have the green beans and all the herbs except one that I will have to pick up) and a salad with home made tomato basil viniagrette (I have the lettuce, etc, just need to get one or two ingredients for the dressing) to go along with spagetti (turkey and I will use the small amount of gluten free noodles that I have in the cupboard for my portion). This is a brand new cook-book and I haven’t made these things before, so I’ll let you know if they’re any good. Anyway, I figure that since dinner is usually my biggest meal, the one that I sit down to with family, I will start there. If I can get at least my portions of dinner gluten/dairy/sugar free, that will be a good start. I guess I’ll work backwards from there. I usually bring lean cuisenes to work with me and I just bought a bunch so I’m gonna have to go through those before  can start working on that meal. They’re just to expensive to trash. PLUS, I really want to try and stick with this, and I know myself and I know that if I try and go all crazy all at once, I will be less likely to do so. It a pretty hard core change to try and follow this. Thats why I’ve never done it before. Because looking at the Endometriosis Diet list, after you exclude all the bad food, it really doesn’t seem like there is anything left. Especially not for a person that could live off of bean and cheese burritos.

Anyway, the other thing that I’ve decided to face today is that I am depressed. Like seriously depressed. Wow. Infertile AND Depressed. I’ve got TWO things goin on that one should NEVER talk about or tell people! Someone hang the shame curtain… I can’t get through a day without crying, multiple times, I can’t get through a day without telling myself that I am no good, that I am defective, that I will never have what I want most in the world. And it’s getting worse. Not better. This not normal behavior, but at least I realize this. I have struggled with depression in the past, and I can honestly say that this is far worse than anything I have been through before. I made a doctor appointment today. The soonest they can get me in Thursday, but hopefully Thursday I’ll be able to come up with a plan to get myself out of this fog. So not only will I be talking to doc about switching my BC, which is causing extreme acne as well as what I believe to be some sort of extra-psycho PMS, I will also be speaking to her about anti-depressants. My RE said to let my doc know that I will be trying to get pregnant probably at the beginning of the year, and that they should prescribe accordingly. Then I will just need to let my RE know what is prescribed so that they know if weaning off of an anti-depressant will be a part of my next cycle. One major thing that I am trying NOT to freak out about is weight gain with the anti-depressants. I had a hard time with Lexarpo in the past and when I switched to Wellbutrin because it didn’t have the weight gain effect, I found the Wellbutrin to be much less effective. (But I lost weight!) Thats another reason i REALLY want to get this healthy eating thing under my belt. I know, I know, don’t worry about weight, worry about getting healthy. Easy to say, but I know that gaining more weight will more than likely cause me to be more upset, feel worse about myself and have even lower self-esteem. I know that I have to be careful. Which is why I ate cheeseburger for dinner. (Wow! This chick really is nutso, she just went on and on about eating healthy and needing to feel good about herself and is now saying that healthy eating is why she ate a cheeseburger!) No but really, I ate a stupid burger and fries for dinner completely wiping out any good my crap work out did me today (STUPID ENDO PAIN!) and giving myself what will hopefully be my last dalliance with red meat and fried foods for a while.  Plus, I spent most of my day crying. It’s obvious that a burger and fries was the only reasonable dinner choice to restore and replenish whatever it is that your body loses when you spend all day in tears.

I was able to lay down with a heating pad, castor oil pack for an hour and now I have just the heating pad on my back. When I get the kid into bed I’ll be taking an epsom salt bath to hopefully relieve some of the tension in my lower back. Then I’ll be crawling into bed and hopefully sleeping the night through, waking up rested and able to actually pull myself out of bed and make it though a day without acting like some psycho PMS monster. Lofty goals, I know….