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Another Day in Paradise

Well for all the swearing he did that he was going to get his act together at the services hearing, I’m surprised that I am saying this evening that bio dad did not show for his visit today.
Visitation consists of waking up early, getting A to either school or to a friend who is willing to watch him now that school is out, and driving one hour to the social services office. I pack diapers for bio dad to use, bottles, food and a blanket for her to play on. I lug all of this in to the office and sit for two hours while they play. (or less if he cuts the visit short, which happens frequently). Today I waited 20 minutes (the required is 15) and then I lugged all of her stuff back to the car and drove an hour back home.
This sucked even more due to the fact that I was up all night with both kids, one teething and one having asthma problems. Both were tired, whiny, and didn’t want to get up. After getting approximately two hours of sleep, I was tired, whiny and didn’t want to get up!!
Since his visits have been lessened to only one time a month, he won’t be able to see her again until mid July. Days like today I just don’t feel the sympathy for him that I usually feel.

The good news is that we got back into town early enough to go to my Aunt’s house and swim!

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Baby girl is SO content in the water. And I know I’ve said it a million times, but this amazes me because she was so terrified of it when she first came to us. It is so fun to watch her lazily float around and splash her hands and enjoy it!

Hopefully tonight we will ALL get some sleep and be rested and be a little bit less of a crabby household tomorrow!

I think the fact that husband is out to dinner tonight at a swanky restaurant in an even swankier seaside town and I’ve been with the two crabsters all day means that HE gets to do the dirty work tonight, right?

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Quick pics

Future besties: Baby Girl and her cousin. 1.5 months apart, playing at the lake. Baby girl’s “cage” as we call it, is necessary in the sand due to the fact that she eats everything she finds.

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Baby girl was crabby today from teething. Big brother went outside and she let me know that she wanted to go out too. Loudly. I took her for a short walk down to a friend’s house where she proceeded to explore every inch of their driveway. This is the dirty dirty aftermath:

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We were lazy campers and left the lake to go out to dinner on Saturday night. He insisted on holding her while waiting for a table.

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She is actually awake here, but the flash made her blink. She crawled around and stole all the blankets and settled herself on the pillow all covered up. Baby girl loves cuddly softness.

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Scared

I have a million and one things to do in the next hour and yet I’m sitting here obsessing. Bio dad has decided he is going to fight..for now..
His services termed, he now has to pay for ALL of them on his own. I’m not sure how he is going to swing paying for everything with no job and no home. He has had a falling out with his family because they will not help him.
It is sad that he has no support system, but then again, it’s possible that even they feel that him fathering her is not at all for the best. It’s not just that he is homeless and jobless, it is that he is completely mentally unstable as well. If he got a job, could he hold it? I don’t know. He hasnt been able to yet.
I am so afraid. I hate that these people didn’t care enough to step in when she was two or three months old. I hate that they could suddenly step in and take her now if he is able to talk them into it at the eleventh hour.
I hate that he didn’t just work his damn case plan in the last 7 months before we were even called.
I hate to think that this happy, healthy baby, so different than the one we picked up nearly two months ago, could go back to living in those less than adequate conditions.
I am scared.

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She LOVES her brother!

Update June 5 Hearing

Well I was wrong. The judge terminated services for the bio parents. We now have 120 days to wait for the Termination of Parental Rights hearing.
In a way, I’m now even more afraid. Does it make sense that I’m terrified that a family member is suddenly going to say “whoa, the state is serious, I’d better step in and do something now”.

In a way I also feel guilty and sad for her bio parents. Her dad especially. I think it’s because I’ve actually met him, and meeting him has made him a real person and not just an idea or a thought. He is real and he is suffering. I know this and I am empathetic.

But at the same time I am in love and I am selfish and I want this little girl to be a part of my forever family.

I will continue to pray that this all works out for us. We love her so incredibly much.

June 5 Hearing

Another court hearing today. In one half hour baby’s bio father will be going before the judge. I hate these days. I am anxious and my stomach hurts.
I have a feeling he will get another extension because he passed his drug test last month (and always has because he is not a drug addict and never has been). Never mind that he still has no job, is homeless, is staying in the home of family member who was convicted of and is in jail for child abuse, is not seeing his court ordered therapist and refuses to take his meds.
He didn’t even stay for the whole visit last week. He cut out after an hour.
But I’m sure, because parent rights are far more important than the child’s best interest, he will get an extension. 30 more days to accomplish absolutely nothing.
Am I bitter? Ya, kind of. Because he is not even trying, and yet he keeps getting these extensions. Meanwhile, I was up all night for three nights in a row when she was sick. I’m the one she cries for. I’m the one who takes her to the doctor. I’m the one who rocks her at 3am. I am the one who doesn’t shower and who has insane laundry piles all over my bathroom floor because she wants to be snuggled. I am the one who does all these things willingly and with my heart full of love for this child. It is my husband that she sees when she yells “dad”.
Would I wish for any parent to fail? Absolutely not. But do I think that in this case they already have? Yes.

To My Friend Alicia

Alicia, over here wrote the kindest, sweetest post about lil ol’ me. I couldn’t comment on it because blogger hates me, so I had to write a post that hopefully she will see. Because I want her to know that I am thanking her from the bottom of my heart for her kindness and support. It’s not every day that you meet someone online or IRL, who is just so incredibly kind.

I am a complete wreck tonight since baby girl has her first visit in over a month with her father. It’s the first visit that I have had to take her to. I want to be supportive, I want to be kind. I want him to be in the right state of mind. Most of all I want this visit to be safe. The SW informed me today that I may have to sit in on the supervised visit, as baby girl might be anxious being handed off to him since she doesn’t really know him. Awkward much? But as I said, I want it to go as smoothly as possible. I do have empathy for the man. He is losing his child. I couldn’t imagine anything more terrible. Will he show? I don’t know. Apparently he is in a very bad state of mind at the moment. And as I said, that is why I hope that he is ok and that we have no troubles at the visit.
Wish me luck and pray for us. This is unknown territory for me and I am scared shitless

ME

I woke up this morning to an email notification of a new blog post. Short, yet heartbreaking. Those two words that NONE of us want to hear: no heartbeat. I’m so so sorry, Belle you are such an amazing woman and supportive online friend. I’d love nothing more to be friends with you IRL and share a bottle of wine. You have my thoughts and my prayers and my heart today. Please know that, although I know that it’s not much.

Anyway. I guess having any sort of presence on the web, whether it be huge or, quite small (like myself) you open yourself to criticism. I started my blog in order to write about my struggles with infertility and to meet others who could sadly understand how isolating infertility can be. What I didn’t know at the time is that there would be judgement. And I HATE judgment. I was naive I guess in thinking that I wouldn’t attract people who hate ART. People who hate adoption. People who hate ME. Let me say that again. People who hate ME. But they don’t really hate ME. They may hate my words, or my verbiage, or my sometimes sarcastic attitude. But it can’t possibly, personally be ME. because they don’t know ME. If they did they would know that I am not a bad person.
I am quiet and I am shy. Sometimes I can be seen as standoffish (I love that word) but I’m not. I just don’t know what to say to you that would be interesting enough to make you like me. I love to read. I love children, but not those screamy, tear the curtains off the walls kind. Well at least in my home. If you have the screamy, destructive kind I will enjoy them in your home. I have a degree to work with children that is worthless in this economy. My children are the CENTER of my life. The core of my being. I try and go to church but I also value family time spent outside of church on Sundays. I don’t adore animals but I don’t beat and torture them. Ok so my neighbors hate us because we complained about their barking dog one to many times. (Hey I get it. You love your dog. Well, I love sleep).
I’m sometimes messy and I keep and save more “memories” than my husband would like. I’m sentimental in that way. I’m no hoarder, I swear, but I will be able to produce and share A’s first 100% spelling test. (Ok, I’m a bit hoarder-ish?) I hate laundry and unloading the dishwasher. I haven’t had curtains in my family room for a year because I just can’t decide which ones I want. I live in a pretty superficial part of the world and I am the anti. I’d love to move to a new state but would want to take my entire family with me. You have no idea how hard it is to get ALL of these people to agree on all moving to one place. I mean they already all decided to live here, so what are the chances of everyone agreeing again?!

I guess I’m telling you a little bit about myself, about some of the mundane every day me, so that if you chose to hate me, you are hating ME. Not just my words.

I have had SO MANY kind comments in the past week or so it is unbelievable. I am so thankful that all of you have brought so many smiles to my face, its almost been a continual smile! (save for the few burrow-y eyebrow, snarly faces I’ve been forced to make)
Thank you all, old friends and new!