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Category Archives: Random Thoughts

Fancy Lady

I suck at things like make-up and hair. Like really truly suck. In high school I didn’t care much for wearing make-up and I just never learned. Or was never taught. However that sort of thing works. I wear make-up now, out of necessity, but always very light, always that barely there look.
Last night I went to the mall looking for shoes to wear to my brothers wedding. Unable to find any, I turned toward the make-up counters instead. I went to MAC and asked the girl to do my face so that I wouldn’t look washed out in pictures. It looked great. I bought everything. The problem, however, is that when I was taking all my goodies out of the bag today, I realized that I had no idea what to do with any of it. It is all well and good that the girl at Macy’s knows what to do with it, but what about me?
So I took everything out, lined it all up and went to work.

First was the primer. Apparently you have to prime your face before painting it, just as you’d prime your wall or your car.

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Next came the eyebrows, a nice pencil to fill them in. (I have done this before but I really like the ease of the MAC pencil as opposed to using a powder with a brush.) after applying the pencil I went around my eyebrows with a bit of foundation just as she told me to do.

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Then came the paint pot. I honest to goodness couldn’t remember what this was for. I had to google it. Yes, I had to google the make-up I bought.
The paint pot is base for eyeshadow. It makes it last longer and keeps you from getting those yucky creases. This went all over the eye lids.

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After the paint pot I got to work on the eyeshadow. This is where I always mess up. It seems like I always end up looking like someone punched me. It took a few tries, a few swipes with the wet wipes, but I got it. The lighter shade went in the crease, the darker in the edge and blended over top and bottom of the lid.

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Next I applied the foundation. No problems there, and I will say that I like the MAC full coverage far more than the last brand I was wearing.

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After applying the foundation I went back to my eyes and applied the shimmer over my lids as well as the inside corners of my eyes and a little bit underneath.

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Then the eyeliner, a black cream applies with a liner brush.
I did the “water line” of my eyes in a dark brown pencil as I am not used to wearing liner underneath and felt uncomfortable with a black black.

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I then powdered my face and applied a bronzer to my cheekbones and forehead.

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A quick bit of gloss on the lips and I was done. All in all with the mistakes and everything I’d say it took me about 45 minutes. Not exactly convenient. I definitely need to learn to do it quicker!

Here is the end result:

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Nothing crazy but definitely good enough to show up in pictures and help me to not look washed out!
I can’t wait to get the make-up on, along with my hair all did up fancy, and in my new dress! I just might clean up nicely after all!!

Halloween and other random junk

I haven’t written much lately and I really don’t know why. Just busy I guess. Getting back from vacation and trying to get back in to the swing of things. It’s hard. I’ve also been trying desperately to find a job to help pay for this infertility nonsense and to have a little more disposable income. It’s hard. I went to school for 6 years. I do not want to take a job that pays $10.00 an hour. But that’s whats out there right now, and its starting to PISS. ME. OFF. Living in the Great State of California Sucks. Especially when you’re in education. Especially when you’re in educational counseling, which is, when our fine govornator takes more (and more) money out of the education budget, one of the first programs that schools cut. So anyway…

I have a lil Halloween story for ya’ll, and I know you guys will “get” it…So we went to a friends house to trick or treat. Did the neighborhood round then back to thier house to hang out for a bit. A few of us were sitting on the front porch handing out candy and chatting, when up walks a teenage girl. 16 if she’s a day. A PREGNANT 16 year old girl. “Trick or Treat”! Holds out her candy bag. OMG. My jaw must’ve dropped. I’m sorry, but once you make the decision to have sex and you get pregnant, you are just done with trick or treating.  “It’s not for me, the baby wants candy!” Bitch I will slap you if you don’t walk your little ass back down that driveway and away from this house. Those were my thoughts. Harsh? Probably. But give me a freaking break. So my friends mom was out on the porch with us. She is a wonderful hispanic woman who DOESN’T hold back. Let me put it this way. She WORKS AT THE DMV. Thats how tough she is. So anyway, Mrs. G. says, “Ahhhhh look at you, gonna have a baby are ya?” She obviously doesn’t catch the tone  of Mrs. G’s voice because she continues to babble on. It comes out that the daddy is a SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD BOY who lives in the neighborhood, that my friend’s family knows. Mrs. G. says, “Ahhhh, so he’s gonna be a daddy, huh? That’s nice. Real nice”. Mrs. G. is quiet for a minute and says, “so did he finally get a car? And a job?” Pregnant teen says “oh yea, he got a car, but its older…He has a really good job now”. Mrs. G. says, “oh wow. That’s great. Just great”. All the while she is shaking her head in a way that suggests that she doesnt think for a minute that any of this is great. As the conversation continues we learn that 17 year old baby daddy finally got a car manufactured sometime in the 80s. It’s cool, but it doesn’t always start. And Baby daddy’s great job? HE WORKS PART TIME AT BURGER KING.

Ok. I may not be rich and I may be on the hunt for a decent job, but lemme tell ya. My husband and I live together. Not seperately with our parents. We own cars that run, and should I ever be lucky enough to go in to labor, I know that my dependable car will get me to the hospital. My husband also has a great job. Now we may not have free whoppers or chicken fries at our finger tips, but dammit if we don’t have the money to put good meals on the table anyway.

It was just so frustrating. It made me so mad. And sad. And guilty for feeling this way about this poor girl who made a stupid mistake that will probably make her life so much harder than it ever had to be. And she probably has to deal with people like me every day, who judge her because she is a teenager and she is pregnant. I know my thoughts and feelings and glee over the fact that she was harrassed by a DMV EMPLOYEE  are wrong. But you know what? Thats why I’m telling you guys about it. Because I know that you guys (deny it if you want), would have the same or at least similar feelings. It’s hard to watch and listen to this immaturity. This girl in a zombie costume who is trick or treating with a 7 month pregnant belly. Who is rambling on and on and sounding not 1 day older than her 16 years. It’s kinda hard for those of us who are financially and emotionally stable and ready. And have been trying for years and throwing thousands of dollars toward making it happen. It may not be right to feel that way, but I’m just telling the truth.

Ok so quick subject change. Question: Who has done acupuncture with thier cycles? I did it for my endo and I did it with my first cycle and I’m trying to decide if I want to do it again. What is it really best for? Relaxation only, or does it acutally have an “effect” on the uterus? I ask cus heres the thing. I HATE acupuncture. I don’t mind the needles. What I mind is laying in a dark room for 40-50 minutes. I CAN NOT RELAX. I think it has the opposite effect on me. I get so anxious. I CAN NOT clear my mind, and all the things that I stress about come at me full force when I’m laying there. BUT, I will say it did take my cramps down a notch or two when I was doing it, so theres gotta be something to it? I just don’t know because I want to give myself every chance to have my FET work, and if it doesn’t will I be going, dammit, its cus I didn’t do acupuncture… Thoughts please…

Aloha!

Wow. It has been ages since I have been on and I have missed my blogging friends. But lemme tell ya, a week of in Maui is just what the doctor ordered. But, as the world continues to go round even when you are taking a break, things still happened here. I came back to total chaos! Whens my next vacation?! it was so nice to not be a part of reality. I ate whatever I wanted. (To the great detriment of my obvious gluten intolerance. Hello bloating!) I drank mimosa’s for breakfast and had wine with dinner and napped and was in bed by 10pm every night. I layed out by the pool and on the beach and rode in a submarine and snorkled with giant sea turtles. And it couldn’t have been better.

Let’s see…On the fertility front…

The only thing that bothered me in Hawaii was that I’m not pregnant. When we made the plans, I was. And we were planning for me to be going into my 4th month on the trip. I didn’t think going would effect me how it did. But it did. That old familiar friend, the feeling of loss, decided to come along. I tried hard to shake him, and for the most part I did. There were just a few times that I couldn’t get him off my tail. See? It’s a fact that infertility clouds your judgement and makes you delusional. Who in thier right mind would be sad about not being pregnant in Hawaii for goodness sake?

My first day back, after not getting home until 1am (and spending all day either on a plane or in a car) I had to drag my butt out of bed and head down, an hour away, for my SHG. Luckily, it wasn’t as horrid as I expected it to be. Quick and easy. Ok, the fact that I slipped myself a vicodin a half an hour before may have helped, but hey. I was tired, cranky, and not in the mood for pain.

The good news is, my SHG was clear. No scarring, no polyps, no fibroids. Just one beautiful uterine cavity waiting to house a fetus.

Next step: FET consult appointment to get calendar and prescriptions. 2 Grade AA, lovely little embryos, just waiting for a home.

My Retirement from Bowling and Other Weekend Happenings

I have to say that I am loving my new online friends. You guys make me smile. And you give me hope. You make me feel stronger. I am thankful for all of you. I can’t believe how many people I am rooting for, or sad for or just thinking and wondering about, in such a short period of time. Am I wierd or does anyone else feel that way? Anyway, talking to all of you is such a pleasant suprise for me. I started my blog with the intention of blah-ing out my feelings to get them off my chest. I figured I’d get a few views here and there. I supposed that I might connect with a person or two. I had no idea that I’d find such support. So thank you…

Let’s see. What went on over the weekend?

1) Friday night @ a friend’s house. Husband and his buddies played pool, while a friend and I (sadly both a bit cranky) sat and bitched about our weeks. It was nice. Sometimes you just gotta bitch and its nice when you meet up with a friend who just has to bitch too. =)

2) Saturday, a 1st birthday party. It was a lot of fun but it was also a bit sad for me. Several of the little ones there were conceived LONG after I started trying, including the birthday boy. But I see these babies frequently and I was okay with it. I was fine with it until the token pregnant girl at the party showed up. And then I just layed out a blanket on the grass, plopped myself down and took a nice little nap in the shade. Thats the nice thing about parties at parks, you CAN lay down on a blanket, because you’re not the only one doing it. It doesn’t seem at all wierd. Luckily we weren’t at, like, Chuck E Cheese or something. I cried on the way home. Friends over in the evening and a couple of glasses of wine. I secretly wanted to go to bed but still, it was nice seeing friends.

3) Sunday, laid in bed until 10am with husband and then bowling with the fam and a couple of friends. I can honestly say that I began and ended my bowling career with one game. I guess I enjoy bowling alley food and drinks much more than the actually playing…Hung with the neighbors in the afternoon. Seriously unhealthy dinner of frozen french fries smothered in home made chili WITH GROUND BEEF! EEEK! In bed by 7:30.

Ok, you may or may not have caught on to the fact that I have been either sleeping, or wanting to sleep quite a bit. As in, its all I think about. Yesterday was the absolute worst, as I bought a new pillow after we went bowling. That pillowed called to me all day, like nothing has ever called to me before. I think its a side effect of the new medication. While it is helping tremendously, I am tired a lot of the time. I can hardly stay up past 8pm. Some nights, like last night, I only  made it until 7:30. When I do stay up, 10pm is my absolute limit. I’m hoping that this is a side effect that lets up and will eventually go away. Anyone with any ideas on that?

Allright well I’m off to call the dentist and have this bite problem fixed before my jaw officially breaks!

Laying Here all Hopped Up on…

Vitamin E
Selenium
Prenatal
Fish Oil
81mg aspirin
WITH……
1 castor oil pack and 1 heating pad. PLEASE cramps go away, PLEASE endo, humor me and stay away for a while longer.
PLEASE body and mind stop being so tired and start being able to deal with normal daily life again! AND PLEASE let me start being able to stay awake at normal times of the day and stop keeping me up all night.
Thank you.

Sweet Dreams are Made of This

I have been having some crazy dreams. And I dream. A LOT. I’m one of those people that dreams every night, and remembers my dreams, but really tries not to be one of those hey listen, I had this dream last night! people. Those people can be really annoying. (Sorry if you’re one of them). I usually only share my dreams when they are really over the top. Like the time I dreamt that I was an assasin but every time I got called on a mission I had to battle other assasins to the death and the last two standing had to dispose of the other assasin’s bodies together, and then get on with the mission. It was very stressful cus you never knew if you were going to be going on a mission or be dead, and it just kept happening over and over in different scenerios. (If this sounds like a totally awesome movie plot to you-because it IS-don’t even THINK about it! It was my dream and I’m the one that totally kicked ass and woke up tired as hell the next morning from all the totally stealth ass-kicking I did. Its my story).

Ok but my assasin dream was not the point of this post, so let me get back on track here. In the past week I have had some symbolic dreams. And again, I’m not a huge dream analyzer either, but these were a little to symbolic to not notice how symboic they were. I will share with you one.

We are driving along in my old car, which happens to be a suburban made to seat 8. In it was husband, son, me, my mom and my sister. Husband is driving and drives us right off of a bridge and plunges us into water. Husband somehow manages to escape car before it hits the water…As the car is filling with water and we are all drowning I am lucky enough that my power window still rolls down. (Hey, its a dream). So I roll down the window and I pull out son first, and bring him to the top. Then I go back down and manage to save both mom and sister at the same time. AND THEN, because I haven’t been heroic enough, I go BACK DOWN and save son’s blankies and doll. And then I wake up. So. In this drowning dream, I manage to save myself and three other people plus two blankets and a doll.

Drowning

  • To dream that you are drowning indicates that you are feeling
    overwhelmed by emotions.
  • If your survive the drowning, then it means that a waking relationship or
    situation will ultimately survive the turmoil. 
  • To see someone drowning in your dream suggests that you are becoming
    too deeply involved in something that is beyond your control. Alternatively, it
    represents a sense of loss in your own identity. You are unable to differentiate
    who you are anymore.

  • To dream that you rescue someone from drowning indicates that you
    have successfully acknowledged certain emotions and characteristics that is
    symbolized by the drowning victim.

HOLY SYMBOLISM BATMAN!! My drowning dream had ALL of these elements. I was drowning, other people were drowning, I saved myself, AND I saved everyone else! And yes, I am overwhelmed by my emotions. On a daily basis I still have at least one completely overwhelming moment in which every particle in my body siezes with such a profound hurt, that I can’t move. And I very obviously am involved in something that is beyond my control. Hello? Infertility? IVF? I don’t think its possible that I have ever felt this out of control in my life. And maybe I am struggling with my identity just a little because of all of this. I mean the lines do become a little blurred when entrenched in something so emotional and so raw. But the good news is, because I survived the drowning myself, I will ultimately survive the turmoil….So says the Dream Dictionary anyway.