3 thawed, 2 survived. 1 excellent, 1 good…I forgot to get a pineapple, but does pineapple really make a difference?
Category Archives: Frozen Embryo Transfer
I’m sorry I’ve been such a downer as of late. My blog was supposed to be a depressing catalog of infertility ramblings, rather than a depressing site dedicated to my feelings about cancer. I apologize if I have thrown you off subject.
You’ll be happy to know that Day 1 “DPO” (haha with an FET you can almost pretend you are doing this the normal way because you are following somewhat of a cycle), and I have no progesterone symptoms yet. Oh, don’t think I’m that naive, I know that they are coming. I said YET. By this time next week I can assure you that I will be a raving lunatic all hopped up on hormones.
One of the things about cancer is that it affects all people differently. Hearing about it for the first time, many people offer condolences. Many just shake thier head quietly and look away. Some are emboldended to ask the tough questions, but mostly those are the people who really have no business asking at all. They are emotionally removed but want the gory details. Then there are the people who have loved ones who have fought the disease and lost. There is a chance that my mother could be a survivor, but there is a chance that she could not. There is a chance that sometime in the future I may be one of these people who’s faces plainly reveal a familiarity with the pain that is cancer, as soon as the word is uttered. They have been where I am now standing. They know the long journey that I am about to embark upon. It is something that only those who have been with someone who has fought cancer can know. They know that words can not prepare me. That there is no book or no doctor given explaination that can prepare me for the horror of watching someone you love endure chemotherapy. Endure being sick. Endure being unable to eat or drink. Endure frightening physical deterioration. I know that they feel sorry for me, but in many cases I know that my admission that the disease has settled itself upon my family opens old wounds for them. Wounds that have quite possibly never healed. My story may dredge up old sadnesses or anger long repressed. There is anger. Cancer is a very maddening disease. It is not selective of who it crawls into, stealing away their strength and taking over cells. It does not care if you have children or a husband or a wife or grand kids or future plans. It only cares that you have blood and tissue and cells to feed on. It is a hungry disease and it will eat you away, giving no thought to the massive destruction that it leaves behind. And the guilt. There is such guilt. About not spending enough time, about not feeling the right way, about feeling angry at the disease. Maybe even at the person for being sick. We feel guilty for not knowing sooner. We knew she wasn’t feeling well, why didn’t we make her get checked out sooner? How could we not have known? How did we let it get this far without intervening? We should have known that the cancer was there. There are people that know these feelings. That have been through them. Have been to hell with a loved one but come back alone. That is what cancer does. It leaves you alone.
Is it fair to be mad at someone for being sick? Endometriosis runs in my family. Collectively we are an endometriosis nightmare and many of us wear the battle scars of painful periods, miscarriages and repeated surgeries.
Then there is my mother. In the hospital right now because she has for many years refused to care for herself in anything more than a holistic manner. I am all for holistic healing. I have participated in my share of holistic remedies. However, some things are just too severe. So now she sits (is hopefully sleeping still) in a hospital bed waiting for a day of biopsies and MRIs and surgery scheduling to begin. I pray that it is endometriosis that has attacked her colon and is not something else.
We will cross that bridge if we must come to it.
So here’s the anger part. As soon as she is better in going to kick her ass. Im being kind by not pummeling her up and down the hospital corridors. You see, for months and months as we have watched her turning pale and withering away, we have BEGGED her to see a real doctor. Myself, my brother, grandparents and aunts. We have all begged her repeatedly. PLEASE quit it with this holistic practitioner and go see a real doctor. She is not helping you, you are wasting away.
So it has to come to severe dehydration, malnourishment, severe pain and many other symptoms I will spare her the embarrassment of relaying, as well as CT scans, MRIs, biopsies and the very concerned faces of the doctors and nurses in the ER to finally get her the help she so desperately needs.
I am angry that she let it come to this. That she has treated her body this way. That she wouldn’t allow those of us who love her to help her. That she wouldn’t listen. I hope she is strong when she is released because she has 3 children, 5 sisters and 2 parents who are all PISSED that she wouldn’t allow us to help her sooner. That she didn’t get help sooner. That’s 10 people who very much want to see her get strong and healthy so that, as we’ve told her, we can all take turns knocking some sense into her.
Today is going to be a long, hard day. I pray that the doctors find little more than some severe endometriosis or some colon blockage and that we can remove it and move on. I pray.
Family that reads this, if you were unaware of the situation please let her tell you…
I must get up now, this morning I have my baseline ultrasound, which conveniently, is right around the corner from the hospital my mom is in. It’s going to be a long day, a day of which started only moments ago with an already there Lupron headache. Fingers crossed I have “quiet” ovaries.
One last thing, although they’ll never read this I want to send my condolences to a long ago high school friend who’s mother passed away from cancer this morning. Her mother was the school registrar and would on occasion let us slide on the tardies by slipping us a hall pass. I remember her fondly.
Starting to feel better. I think that the side effects are beginning to lessen, and I hope it stays that way. Last night I was very uncomfortable in my own skin and had a tough time sleeping, but I woke up feeling ok this morning and am still feeling fairly normal.
I did my first unsupervised shot this morning and let me tell ya, I’m already a pro! The trick is icing the site for a minute or two. I can’t feel a thing. I also find it interesting that I am so used to being stuck, I didnt even get all gaggy watching the needle go in to my skin. If anything this whole mess has definitely helped to alleviate some of my doctor related phobias! Surgeries? Who cares! Anasthesia? It’s cool. Needles? Blah. Paps? Whatever. Internal ultrasounds? Bor-ing.
So now I think that I am going to go through this gluten and sugar free cookbook I’ve got and make a run to the grocery store and stock up..I am being so bad with my eating. I am gaining unnecessary weight. I hate it, but at the same time I just don’t care. But I need to care and I need to eliminate this crap from my diet instead of being all half-assed about it. It’s wonderful if I follow it for my daytime meals but it means nothing if we come home and I end up having pizza and a piece of cake. Or sliders, or pizza again. Yea, as you can see I’ve been quite gluttonous this week. ugh.
I just ate and feel like I’m going to throw up all over this office and my head is still all pressure-y. I really can’t say that the vomity-ness is from anything FET related, but its annoying the crap outta me.
- Woke up feeling bloaty and gassy. Damn you pre-natal vitamins.
- Got up and got together supplies for first Lupron dose.
- Marveled at the fact that I have 3 vials of meds from pharmacy rather than a million like with the fresh cycle. It ALREADY seems less stressful just for that reason.
- Laid on bed icing stomach. Laughed about the “belly shot” I was about to get because it is far different from the “belly shots” that the Jersey Shore and Real World cast members do on top of bars on Friday and Saturday nights. Laughed more because I am funny.
- Read celebrity news on iphone to distract myself from being stuck. Became angry that first article read while being stuck was about Jim-Bob and Michelle Duggar having their 20th child. Decided that Jim-Bob and Michelle are taking this whole “Go forward and multiply and replenish the earth” thing a bit too literally. G-d was not speaking only to them. He did not say, Jim-Bob and Michelle, it is up to you and only you to replenish this earth. He meant everyone.
- Felt sick to stomach appx 15 minutes later, but can’t definitively say that it was from the Lupron, as was already bloaty from pre-natals and sick over the Duggars. Could have been a coincidence.
- Still feel a little bit sick to stomach but am hungry so that could be it.
- I am going to keep a log of all of my medication symptoms here, so if you are afraid of TMI, you might wanna steer clear for the next few weeks or so. I didn’t keep a record of my IVF medication or pregnancy symptoms and I want to do it this time. It might just help me when I get into the 2ww and am asking my husband, “Did I feel like this BEFORE the transfer?!”
I Hope this is true!!!
Well I finally got on to Pinterest so now I have something to do to fill in the time when I am not blogging or looking at Twitter. Yay me! I am excited to have fun things to look at and one more thing to distract me from everything going on. I am still feeling pretty calm at the moment. Still in a “I can’t control the situation, just go with it” type of mind-set. I hope it stays this way, but I know myself and my staying calm is a lot to ask for. I will freak out eventually, I am sure. Sooner rather than later.
Another thing that I’ve decided is to keep this cycle quiet. I know there are a few people who follow me that know me in “real life”. That is fine. Keep your mouth shut. My mom was aware that I was considering a cycle this month but doesn’t know that I have started. I didn’t even know I was going to until yesterday. I am going to tell her though, if for no other reason than that we have to spend a total of 12 hours in a car together in 2 weeks and she might be wondering what happened to her daughter and why there is a hormone crazed lunatic in the seat beside her. I don’t think that I will really tell any friends and I don’t want to tell any other family members. Last time even my grandparents found out (thanks mom!) and it was just too much having them know what I did and that I miscarried. My grandfather is much too soft-hearted to deal with things like his oldest grand-daughter being infertile and having to go through IVF and a miscarriage. It made me feel that much more disappointed. And other family members that knew and stuff, well I know they didn’t know what to say the next time they saw me and I knew that they were all thinking about it and feeling bad for me by the looks on their faces. I don’t want that. I don’t want to have to keep saying “It’s all right, it happens”, when people tell me they are sorry for my loss. I haven’t told my dad yet either, which is weird because I see him every day. But after the miscarriage his pep talk was, “it’s not meant to be, move on”. So I kinda got the feeling he didn’t think I should give it another try. I don’t know for sure if that’s the case but I just don’t feel like dealing with that right now.
I have also decided to skip the acupuncture this time around. I hope that I don’t regret it, but at the same time, acupuncture GIVES me anxiety. I have the opposite reaction to it. And again, its not the needles, its the laying there. And the finding the time to make an appointment. And the thinking about everything I should be doing while I am laying there. So I think I’ll save myself that worry.
Either way. So ya. Today is day 1 of this cycle, with an end date of hopefully 12/7. Like I said, we may get into the TMI area, so I understand if you can’t hang. But if you can, I’d love to have you along for the ride. The good and bad.
*Head is feeling all pressure-y
*Feeling queasy, but most likely from hunger and/or prenatals.