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Queen of PMS

I am Queen PMS. Find me a crown and a cape.
I am anxious and tearful and sad.
I am angry that I allowed myself to be hurt by someone I do not know and that does not know me. Thick skin? No stinking way. I am as thin skinned as they come. I can somehow let one hateful comment shut me down completely.
I know my intentions are good. I know that the love I feel is pure.
There are adoption haters, there are ART haters. We can’t win.
Do I think that I don’t deserve more children because God made me barren? And what is barren? Unproductive; Unfruitful. I’m actually neither. I have fantastically young and well producing ovaries, thankyouverymuch. It just so happens that my other half is *ahem*, unfruitful. So do I think that? that God has decided I’m unworthy? That my husband is unworthy? No. I think that we are given challenges, just like everyone else. Different challenges perhaps, but we all have them. Difficult, heartbreaking and seemingly unfair challenges. But it’s what WE DO about those challenges.
Many days I want to, and have, pulled the blankets up over my head and cried. I have questioned my worthiness. I have wondered, why me?
But as I’ve said before, maybe this is why. Because there are children who need homes. NOT because I am a psychotic baby stealer, but because some children are born into unfit homes. Because some children are malnourished and neglected. Because some children are dealt a shitty hand. Is that my fault? No. Is it the child’s fault? Most definitely not. Do they deserve to sit in foster care year after year, in case the parents finally decide get Their act together? No. They deserve permanency. They deserve love and hot meals and clean diapers.
If I can and am willing to provide that, how in the world does that make me a psycho baby stealer?
When we first got baby girl I experienced guilt that I didn’t think I would. Guilt because someone is losing their baby. But that IS NOT my fault. They were given every chance, fair and square. I’m just here to pick up the pieces, so to speak.
Anyway…that’s all for now. My heart hurts tonight. I will move on, but I’m having a hard time. Blame it on the PMS?
UPDATE: I would KILL for a bag of chips..oh wait, don’t alert the authorities, It’s a figure of speech. I promise no one will die over Ruffles

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6 responses »

  1. What a tumultuous journey. My heart hurts for you too. You are so strong and little Avery (and her bio family, whether they choose to recognize it or not) are so lucky to have you in their lives. No one criticizes a biological mom for wanting to protect her children from harm… It should be no different for foster / adoptive moms either. I don’t get it. Keep expressing and loving and moving forward.

    It will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end. Hugs.

    Reply
  2. I think you hit the nail on the head. Yes, there are adoption and/or ART haters. Usually these individuals are ignorant and liminal. And most usually have more issues than I can begin to list. In short, ignore the trolls.

    That said, what you’re doing is HARD! Very hard. Foster children usually get the short end of the stick time and again. News flash to anyone who disagrees with me: there’s a reason these children were pulled from the home. And the state gives the birth parents SO MANY opportunities to get their act together. So this is not about the state or adoptive parents stealing children. It’s about bio parents fucking up. Royal.

    Finally, you are not unworthy. Infertility is a disease. To say that someone deserves infertility/RPL is the same as saying someone deserves to get cancer or some other life-threatening disease. You’ve done nothing to deserve this. but you do deserve to be a mother. And the fact that you’ve opening your home, family and heart to this little girl is amazing. You and your husband are not villans; you’re heros.

    Reply
  3. This is no place for the haters! I don’t know why people are so hurtful. Hugs to you and your amazing little girl!!

    Reply

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