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It’s been so long since I’ve posted that I forgot my password. I had to reset it.

I don’t really know where I’ve been. I’ve been in a great state of avoidance. I’ve been keeping tabs of those of you on twitter although I haven’t had too much to say. What is wrong with me? I don’t know. Well, maybe I do. I’m doing so well with “dealing”. But it’s not really dealing. I think about writing all of the time, but I fear that if I start, the emotions will come out. The dam will break, it will flow, and it will never ever stop.

I think I am done. We still have 3 frosties and one prepaid fresh cycle that would cost only the meds and ICSI out of pocket. At this point, the answer is no. We still haven’t determined why 5 embryos would fail. Why two would implant but one fetus would leave us at 7.5 weeks and one would fail to grow. I am still waiting on the genetic test results from the last miscarriage. I have a feeling that lab messed up and that I may never get those results. Does it matter? Not really I guess, unless I’d like to use the information going forward with more fertility treatments.

For now I am on the pill. Give my brain and the endo a rest. Revisit at a later time. Or never.

The news of  Mo this week threw me through a loop. Poor, Poor Mo. Poor Shmerson. Losing sweet baby Nadav. What a beatiful and kind hearted person she is, what a beautiful tiny little boy to have lost. She is such a strong woman. I don’t know that I could be that strong. I have been thinking about her constantly. Thinking about whether the attempts are worth the heartache. Of course they are worth it if the procedures work, but for those of us who lose what is so so precious to us, is it worth it? And for Mo to loose what she lost. I know it was worth it to know Nadav even for that short time. She will carry him in her heart always.  My heart is cracked in two. I imagine hers is smashed into a million tiny pieces.

Being a part of this community is both beautiful and unbearably painful. There is so much sadnes here but there is also so much strength. So much resilience. I fear I can’t match up to those who posess such strengths. As I flounder and put my energies into useless, meaningless things just to keep my mind busy I wonder if any of you do the same or if I am just appaulingly weak.


About Tricia #GrowingUpNelson

First grandaughter, mother of two, lover of books and bad music, aspiring to be a mostly vegan always vegetarian. Nearly 365 days Xanax free and hating it. #GrowingUpNelson

4 responses »

  1. You are not weak. Not in the least. We all do that!!

  2. I’ve been thinking about you the past couple weeks wondering how you are. I’m so sorry you are having such a difficult time. Right now it is probably good to take a little break and decide what path you want to take later. You just need to do what is best for you.

  3. I hope you are able to reach your goal and most importantly be happy.


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