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Just a Few Thoughts

As of today we have not yet gotten any results. Nothing from Husband’s new doctor and nothing regarding the genetic test of the tissue from the D&C. I really hate being without answers. I really  hate being in a stalled state.

In all honesty, I am losing hope. Maybe have already even lost it.

I’m really leaning toward adoption.

It really sucks to have spent $25,000 on nothing but pain and heartache. I never in a million years thought that it would happen to me. But it has to happen to someone right? So why not me?

It really sucks to currently be broke due to said $25,000 dollars.

I am lucky in that I have a child.

I am saddened that with every milestone he passes, I am reminded that it may never happen in my home again.

I don’t know that I am strong enough to lose another pregnancy.

Even though I want nothing more than to be pregnant, the past 6 months has taught me that I actually hate being pregnant. Even more so when it ends up that I was so so sick, and it was all for nothing.

The only reason that I have managed to not fall apart is because of my son. Because of my falling apart last time and the effect that it had on him. I will never do this to him again. I will always feel guilty for causing him such emotional pain.

Husband doesn’t understand and is not very supportive. He will never get that just get over it, why can’t you just be happy  does not and will not ever help me emotionally. It’s lonely here sometimes. He has never learned to process or express his emotions in any way other than anger.

I wanted to wait until January for the FET. Husband pushed for November. If I had waited, I’d probably be in the 2ww, unaware of how it would end. I’m glad I already know. I’m glad that I got through it already.

We have 3 embryos left and I don’t want to use them. I am afraid that since the first 5 didn’t survive, the lower quality ones don’t have a chance.

I don’t ever want to have a miscarriage again, and if that means never being pregnant again, I may just have to live with that.

I am going to lose the twenty pounds I gained with the cycles. I’m tired of my jeans not fitting. I’m tired of only wearing baggy shirts. I’m tired of not even wanting to be naked when I’m alone.

My heart breaks every time my son asks me why he doesn’t have a brother or sister or asks when he is going to get one.

My heart breaks every time I walk past the nursery upstairs.

Things are not easy right now.

 

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About Tricia #GrowingUpNelson

First grandaughter, mother of two, lover of books and bad music, aspiring to be a mostly vegan always vegetarian. Nearly 365 days Xanax free and hating it. #GrowingUpNelson

16 responses »

  1. Thank you for writing so openly and honestly about a question that so many struggle with. I’m so sorry you’re approaching this crossroads but I send you lots of hugs as you figure out how you will grow your family.

    Reply
  2. I am proud of you for voicing these thoughts. They are not easy to think, let alone write. My husband is an only child. His mom had a tremendously hard pregnancy and, from what I gather, was unable to become pregnant again. While he jokes that being an only child stunk when it came to board games, he does look back fondly at his childhood. He realizes he had opportunities he might not of had if there had been a sibling. He also has two childhood friends with whom he has the strongest bond I have ever seen between men. These guys would lay down their lives for him, blood relation or not. I only tell you this in hopes that it gives you some comfort that while your son may lack a sibling, he will gain other things. I’m sending you strength to make the choices that are best for you and your family.

    Reply
    • We do have an enormous family and he has so many cousins his own age, and my little sister is only 12 and they are pretty close. I know that at this point him having a sibling would do nothing for him, as the age difference would be so huge. It wouldn’t be until much much later down the line that he would probably even appreciate it. It’s just one more thing that I lay in bed and think about at night. It’s just hard and I am trying with every bit of strength I have to be strong and move forward. Its just that some days these things just go through your head and you don’t feel strong.

      Reply
      • What a wonderfully big family! But you are absolutely correct: it is hard. I wish I could send you a little bottle of happy to swig from eat time you feel overwhelmed.

  3. I am so very sorry. What you are going through is so profoundly hard. There are no easy answers and certainly no “just getting over it” . Remember the things that make you feel better when you are going through hell and don’t forget to do them 🙂

    Reply
  4. I am sorry that things are rough right now. I think you’re doing the right thing by focusing on your son. There’s no hurry to make decisions about those other frozen embryos. Good thoughts coming your way.

    Reply
  5. Men never understand. I think they could never understand the mothering instinct and our longing for a child. My husband has said to me many times that he doesn’t understand why I can’t “just get over it”. It is just not the same for them. They can be great fathers and husbands but most will never have that urge the way we do.

    I’m sorry you’ve experienced so much heartache lately. I hope in time you can have some happiness and joy come into your life.

    Reply
  6. While I have not been through anything close to what you have I feel very similiar to what you have expressed about adoption and not wanted to get pregnant again. Lots and lots of hugs to you. Having these thoughts and feelings are not hard. Just know you are not alone. I honestly think partners just try really hard to stop us feeling pain and think just forgetting about it is an option. I hope you get some results soon that will help you make these very difficult decisions.

    Reply
    • Everybody’s journeys are different and yet the pain can be just as equal. Thank you for reading and for commenting. I have not visited your page yet so I don’t know what your journey has been. I will definitely check it out. Thank you for your response.

      Reply
  7. While I have not been through anything close to what you have, I feel very similiar to what you have expressed about adoption and not wanted to get pregnant again. Lots and lots of hugs to you. Having these thoughts and feelings are so hard. Just know you are not alone. I honestly think partners just try really hard to stop us feeling pain and think just forgetting about it is an option. I hope you get some results soon that will help you make these very difficult decisions.

    Reply
  8. Big, big hugs. The pain of miscarriage is so hard. I love the idea of adoption – I’m adopted so of course I do 🙂

    I hope that you get results soon to help you move forward. The waiting is sometimes the worst part.

    Reply
  9. There are no words to make this easier for you, but know I am sending you a huge virtual hug!

    Reply
  10. I know how it feels to be in a stalled state… it is where the what-if thoughts pop in and hope can easily diminish. I will be praying for you.

    Reply
  11. My sentiments exactly. I’m a husband, I can read your pain as clear as day. Keep the faith. Infertility is a disease, in which I hope you’re able to find the strength to continue on. My prayers are with you right now. ~ Josh

    Reply

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