Yesterday I lost a friend. Well I guess if you want to get technical I lost her friendship weeks ago, it just exploded last night in a massive text fight fit for a couple of 16 year old girls. I feel bad about it. I really do. I hate having enemies, especially ones that I live next door to, and that I have been friends with for 8 years. But I’m not sure it was ever really a good friendship to begin with. I was the friend that was always there but was shuffled aside when a newer and more exciting friend came along. I was the friend that always came back after that new and exciting friend gave up on the friendship after a few months…I thought we were close, but at certain times I was reminded that I was “just the neighbor”. Like a second class citizen. Not a real friend. I never once voiced my sadness. It wasn’t worth it to me to make waves or to lose the friendship. I really wish it hadn’t happened this way or that it happened at all. But it is done. I know that it can never be repaired because I’ve watched many friendships disintegrate over the years and once you are out, you are out. I am out. So she called me a couple choice words, I returned the sentiments, she called me white trash, and all in all it was just really ugly and regrettable. I really wish she would have sat down and spoke with us, as we tried to get her to do. I wish we could have sat down like adults. But instead as my husband and I were camping we began receiving hateful text messages. and really, we tried to be nice for a while, asking if we could please get together once we were home to talk about things. But nice only lasts so long and then you just lose your shit. Which I did. And it was ugly. I was ugly. It was a part of me that I am ashamed of that came out. I wish it hadn’t, but I also wish I hadn’t been pushed to that point. I don’t know. The whole thing is so ridiculous and sad. Eight years of friendship destroyed and I really don’t even know why or what I did. All I know was that it started the night of, yup, the cocktail crawl. I didn’t go which apparently began a hate spiral (that included targeting my child) that just ended in a bunch of ugly things being said. I know that I am not perfect and have never ever claimed to be. I guess, hate me all you want. I will mourn the loss of the friendship but I will not allow myself to be consumed with bitterness and hatred. It is a new day, and sometimes, people leave your life and it ends up being for the best.
Update: I did send an apology text regarding my disgusting behavior. I am sad. It is so sad to lose an almost 10 year friendship. I wish it wasn’t thus way.