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More Waiting

9 days since the confirmation ultrasound.

It all just seems to pile up doesn’t it? It never ends.

Yesterday way my mom’s appointment to get her meds for chemo and set up her chemo schedule. She should be having the port put in her chest on Tuesday and starting chemo on Wednesday.

Problem: My son doesn’t have school on Monday or Tuesday of next week and I have NO ONE to watch him. I have NO IDEA what I am going to do with him or where he is going to go. The entire prep and procedure and recovery will take 6 hours. I can’t very well bring him with me.

Problem: I have cramps. Sometimes mild and sometimes more severe, but they are always there. I am bleeding heavily. I would kind of like to have the D&C as my patience and my mental stability are waning.  BUT WHEN? I’m still waiting for the auth from the insurance and don’t even have an appointment for it. That puts me into next week. Monday, kid is out of school. Tuesday, port placement. Wednesday, chemo. Friday, chemo line removal. That leaves Thursday, if my husband can take the day off, and leaves no recovery time.  Another week of this or more?

Problem: The issue with my FSA still hasn’t been resolved and if its not resolved within the week then we will have to pay the $900 dollars out of pocket, and the thought of that makes me sick. I DONT WANT to pay $900 for the D&C. If I’m going to put $900 anywhere, its going to be toward paying off the rest of these two stupid cycles that we still owe on.

All I wanted to do today is go to the gym and at least walk, go to the grocery store and maybe go to Target. What am I actually doing today? Laying on the couch watching Lifetime because I am in pain and can, in no way, find the means to work out or hall grocery bags around.

I HATE THIS. I JUST WANT IT TO END, AND I NEVER EVER WANT TO COME BACK HERE AND BE IN THIS PLACE.

I am definitely mourning this loss, but mourning it in a different way than last time. I don’t know how to explain it. I’m sad, but not crushingly sad like last time. I think more than anything, this time I am angry. I am just so angry.

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About Tricia #GrowingUpNelson

First grandaughter, mother of two, lover of books and bad music, aspiring to be a mostly vegan always vegetarian. Nearly 365 days Xanax free and hating it. #GrowingUpNelson

6 responses »

  1. I kind of think anger’s good because its got more energy than sadness. I don’t know why but sometimes it’s better. It makes you feel stronger – hope you’re feeling physically stronger soon.

    x

    Reply
  2. Gosh it make me feel terrible knowing that should you choose it, you cannot get timely access to treatment because of insurance! You so don’t need that crap on top of everything else. Hope things settle down and you feel better soon. Big hugs.

    Reply
  3. I say you’re already well on your way to getting this behind you, and I think you should just let nature take it’s course and don’t bother yourself with all of this D&C BS, it’s more stress than you need right now.
    I know you want this behind you. From everything you’re describing with the cramping, etc, you’ll probably be mostly done with this in a few days. Please take care of yourself, OK?
    xoxo

    Reply
    • I know it’s weird but I just have no faith in my body to do what it’s supposed to do. I just expect everything not to work. Not even a miscarriage. I know it’s a horrible attitude but I’m so used to my body failing at everything for 3 years, why wouldn’t it fail at this too? The flow is next to nothing today and I have no cramps. The pregnancy test I took yesterday is still glaringly positive but all my pregnancy symptoms are gone. I’ve never done this naturally before. I don’t know what to expect. If it didn’t happen Sunday when my body went through a “mini labor”, then how exactly does it happen? Are all those little clots really it? I wish I could
      see inside my body and know what’s going on!!

      Reply
  4. I wish I was there to help you out. Big hugs!!

    Reply

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