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One More Thing NOT to Say to an Infertile

We all have our lists of things people shouldn’t say to an infertile. Things that bother us, make us sad, or just plain piss us off. I think I’ve posted a few in my day. Well heres another one for ya. And in my opinion, and possibly due to my current situation, it’s a doozy.

“You’re being  a Debbie Downer. A lot of people have it worse than you do. You’re down in the dumps right now, but you won’t always feel this way”.

Ok. Well meant pep talk? Maybe. Upsetting and hurtful? Definitely. I’ll be the first to admit I’m not the person you wanna call to go dancing with right now. I’ll be honest, you probably don’t even want to call me to go to lunch or to grab a cup of coffee. And yes, a lot of people have it worse than I do. Many of you have miscarried far  more times than my measly two in five months. Many of you can’t even get that far. Many of you have family members that are gravely ill or who have died of cancer or other sad and horrible diseases. Many people in this world go hungry, have lost thier homes, have lost everything. But this isn’t a contest. This isn’t a game. There is no, “my grief is greater than your grief because”…There is no “I deserve to be more sad than you because”…

I am sad. I am heartbroken. I am sick with morning sickness as my HCG levels are just beginning to wane. I am waiting to miscarry what could have been my baby but is not. Yes, this pain will ease. I know from experience that it will be acute for many days and then over time, it will fade into a dull ache, a fleeting thought. I will not always be this person who finds it hard to smile and who doesn’t want to get out of bed. But the pain will ALWAYS be there. This year, I now get to experience two estimated due dates that will come and go with no baby being placed into my arms.  There will be more pain. And I have the right to experience that pain. If you don’t like it, that is fine. Don’t visit my blog. Don’t invite me out for drinks. Stop follwing me on Twitter. Don’t text me and ask how I’m doing if you aren’t going to like the truth. What I am feeling right now is real and it is raw. Do not belittle it. These past few days have not been easy for me, nor will the next few coming up. So I guess what I am saying is, excuse the fuck out of me if you don’t like the way I feel. I am running on empty, presenting myself in the best way that I can to my husband and to my seven year old son. That alone is hard but he is what will get me through this once again. I will get better for him. But I will not get better for you. So don’t expect it. If I don’t answer your calls or your texts its because I KNOW that I am not in the best shape I can be in right now. I KNOW that I have to save and use every ounce of happy for my family. It’s not that I am being rude or nasty, I just need my cacoon right now so that I can heal. DON’T butt into my time and space and throw your two cents around.  Now is not the time and It’s not appreciated.


About Tricia #GrowingUpNelson

First grandaughter, mother of two, lover of books and bad music, aspiring to be a mostly vegan always vegetarian. Nearly 365 days Xanax free and hating it. #GrowingUpNelson

8 responses »

  1. I can’t believe someone would say that to you. Take your time to cry, mourn, feel sad and heal. If you did not go through these emotions are you are hardly human. Please take care of yourself this weekend. I’m here if you need anything. *the biggest hugs ever*

  2. I can’t even imagine how hard this is and what you are feeling. I really believe that everyone gets equal but different trials in life. Nobody is off the hook. Whats hard for some people may not be as hard for others, but everyone feels pain and sorrow. Everyone has sadness and its so wrong for someone to belittle your pain. Love you, let me know if I can help in any way.

  3. ricecakesandredemption

    That is possibly one of the coldest responses I have ever heard! What you are experiencing is difficult, sad, and most certainly incredibly profound. I am so sorry someone was hurtful enough to say that to you. Hugs to you and your family. I hope you have a peaceful weekend with only supportive people around you.

  4. Well said! That should get the message across – I especially liked what you said about grief not being a contest. It’s a personal experience and there is no real way to measure one persons sadness against another’s. I hope you can begin to heal, and I wish you all the best. So sorry someone was hurtful to you like that!

  5. Well said. I know how ‘wonderful’ it is when people have no idea that what they think is good advice or a pep-talk is actually really hurtful.

    My sister has a 4 month old and today I could not cope with her complaining about having to take care of her gorgeous little girl all day…This morning what I had hoped was implantation bleeding turned into my period. I have no support in this entire country outside of my husband. I have no close friends here and my sisters-in-law like to offer similar helpful comments you discussed here.

    I will keep you in my prayers.

  6. People really need to THINK before speaking sometimes. That was so insensitive. You’re right, grief is not a contest and people can grieve when and how they need to. Loss is loss and it hurts. Please go wrap yourself in a tight cacoon and take the time you need. Hugs!

  7. You guys are all so wonderful. You are all struggling and yet you take the time out to offer words of encouragement that really truly help me see that I CAN get through this!


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