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17 Days Post Ovulation (In the fertile world)

Tomorrow is my mom’s first oncology appointment. To say that I am dreading it would be an understatment. Like the hugest understatement ever made. I called last week and asked how the doctor was. As in, what is his demeanor? How is his bedside manner? I think that is important. Especially since we’re dealing with a woman who is suffering from the hugest case of denial ever known to man. I needed to know, is he a no bull-shit, you have cancer you’re gonna die, type of guy, or is a more sensitive, positive type a guy. The office staff person sad that he is the sensitive, positive type. Thank God. Obviously stage 4 cancer can not be sugar coated. But how it is discussed and how the treatment is approached can be made absolutely terrible or it can be made bearable. I want a doctor that can make it bearable. I don’t want her to shut down. Which she will do if she is faced with a more brash approach.  I want her to fight. I want her to give it all that she has. I want her to take away from tomorrow’s appointment that she can fight it if she chooses too. I don’t want her to hear that there is no hope. I don’t want to hear that there is no hope. And I think that there is hope. For a few more good years at least. The cancer was completely removed from her colon and she has one lesion on her liver. Yes, she has stage four metastatic cancer. But no, it is not so far spread that her body is completely cancer ridden. My hope is that we can hold that off. I am so scared. And I am so sad. And I really, truely, honestly wish that I didn’t have to go. This is one of those monents where I wish that I could get on a plane and fly away or get in my car and drive and drive and just have all the bad stop. Wouldn’t it be nice if running from your problems actually made them go away? I’d be so far gone…

Well as I posted earlier, my test this morning was far darker than the previous tests. I will test again in the morning. I feel like crap. I mean crap. I am sick to my stomach constantly, and that is getting stronger. Today my head has been all whooshy. I have no other way to describe it. A little bit dizzy, a little bit in the clouds. Just a little bit… whooshy. As we were walking through town today my husband put a piece of trash in my back pocket. I said to him, “Don’t put your trash in my.. POOP”. It was like I lost the word and the closest word I could come to for that area was poop.

I am trying really hard not to get my hopes up as I feel like the next two days might possibly destroy me. I don’t want my mom to die and I don’t want to lose this baby. As of right now I know its still there. I hope it fights. I hope my mom fights. I hope that they both survive so that I can survive.

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About Tricia #GrowingUpNelson

First grandaughter, mother of two, lover of books and bad music, aspiring to be a mostly vegan always vegetarian. Nearly 365 days Xanax free and hating it. #GrowingUpNelson

One response »

  1. I cannot imagine going through what you are going through. I feel for you..keep up your amazing strength.

    Reply

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