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Well I have 3 positive First Responces and 1 positive Clearblue Easy digital. I’m nothing if not obsessive. I just can’t believe this is happening. Why oh why did I have to hit a number under 100? All along I’ve been telling myself that if it is ment to be it’ll happen. But now? I’m not feeling that zen about it anymore. No. now, I just want it to freaking happen. I keep asking myself if my number would be 100 or over today, if I had waited until 10 days post transfer, the day that they normally test. She even said “well we tested a day early”…I FEEL pregnant. I’m still completely sick to my stomach. My boobs are still all veiny. I woke up to pee once last night. (Thats my monitor. God help me if I dont wake up to pee one of these nights). So I spent $33.00 on 3 First Responses and 3 digitals, all of which I’m sure will be gone by Monday…Tomorrow. I KNOW that I can not control this. I know that whatever happens is beyond me.

Ok, I know I sound like a broken record and I know that there is nothing anyone can do or say to reassure me that it will end up fine. Because nobody knows if it will end up find. I could’ve gotten a kick ass first beta and still have it end in miscarriage. I’ve been there before. I want this so badly, but I don’t know if I can do it again. I don’t know if I can go through this emotional wringer. I don’t know if I can spend yet  more money and put my family in to yet more debt over it. Maybe it’s just not meant to be. My gosh I am so glad that I didn’t do this the entire 2ww and that I was able to hold off the crazy. I’m telling you, the wait between beta 1 and beta 2 is far more torturous that the 2ww.


About Tricia #GrowingUpNelson

First grandaughter, mother of two, lover of books and bad music, aspiring to be a mostly vegan always vegetarian. Nearly 365 days Xanax free and hating it. #GrowingUpNelson

5 responses »

  1. Even though there is not a single thing that I can say to reassure you, please know you are in my prayers. Also…I wish I had a positive pregnancy test now. I know I’d be terrified too, but it would be a start in the right direction. You have to start somewhere. Hugs!

  2. I’m so excited for you! Sorry I’ve been gone so long. Holdin’ my breath with you!
    And … on my 1st beta numbers were high, but then on the next few they barely went up, so we were afraid we were micarrying. It SUCKED! It’s not fair that when we finally get that BFP it’s STILL more waiting and worrying!!

  3. Hey! Sorry it took me so long to read these – it took me over a week to figure out how to accept the invitation and then I had to re-follow you. Congrats on the positive test!!


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