According to the RESOLVE website,
“Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications.
The emotional experience of secondary infertility often is a compilation of the distressing feelings of anger, grief, depression, isolation, guilt, jealousy, self-blame, and being out of control. You may feel guilty for experiencing normal grief and worry about how your current emotional state will affect your existing child. The powerlessness to produce a sibling for the existing child often produces feelings of sorrow, as does the inability to perpetuate the parenting role. You may feel distant from friends as those who were a great source of support when parenting the first child are now linked to sensations of pain and jealously.
Sadly, couples with secondary infertility tend to receive less social support from others than couples who have primary infertility because the infertility is unacknowledged, the pain associated with infertility is invisible as the couple has a child, and there is no concrete loss in the family. In addition, couples experiencing secondary infertility may be recipients of criticism by others who think they should be grateful for one child and that it is foolish to go to extremes to increase family size. Of course, a couple can be extraordinarily thankful for their existing child and still long for more children“.
I KNOW that I am lucky to have one child. I KNOW that my son was truely a miracle baby. I didn’t know that at the time, but I definately know now. I also KNOW that husband and I want more children. Would do anything for more children. We want son to know what it is to have a sibling. A life long friend. Someone that he can depend on when husband and I are gone. It hurts me to the core, it breaks my heart to think that he will never know the relationship of a sibling. It makes me feel as though I have failed him.
Secondary Infertility hurts. It hurts just as bad every month when the spotting begins. It hurts every month when the temperature chart shows that tell-tale dip. It hurts every month when the cramps began. It hurts every time husband repeats his SA and it is low and slow. It is like a dagger to the heart every time I walk past the nursery that has sat empty for the past 3 years. It’s like a punch in the gut every time my son asks why G-d puts babies in other people’s tummies and not mine. It hurts when my son asks if we haven’t adopted a baby yet because the people that came to our house didn’t like us. It kills me to remember the joy my son felt when I told him he was gonna have a brother or sister. It kills me to remember having to tell him that the baby couldn’t continue to grow, and that maybe in time, G-d would give us another.
Secondary infertility HURTS. I understand that so many people who suffer from primary infertility hurt too. It ALL hurts. It is heartbreaking for everyone. Those of us who got lucky that one time, we don’t deserve to have to hide our pain. We don’t deserve to be told that we are not “worthy” of our pain. I can be thankful for what I already have, but I can long for what I don’t.