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I’ll Be Hanging the Shame Curtain Now…

How does one go about trying to start a “lifestyle” change diet without throwing everything in the pantry and fridge out and having to spend a ton of money starting over?

Weeeellll, so far, for tomorrow night, I have decided on roasted green beans (I have the green beans and all the herbs except one that I will have to pick up) and a salad with home made tomato basil viniagrette (I have the lettuce, etc, just need to get one or two ingredients for the dressing) to go along with spagetti (turkey and I will use the small amount of gluten free noodles that I have in the cupboard for my portion). This is a brand new cook-book and I haven’t made these things before, so I’ll let you know if they’re any good. Anyway, I figure that since dinner is usually my biggest meal, the one that I sit down to with family, I will start there. If I can get at least my portions of dinner gluten/dairy/sugar free, that will be a good start. I guess I’ll work backwards from there. I usually bring lean cuisenes to work with me and I just bought a bunch so I’m gonna have to go through those before  can start working on that meal. They’re just to expensive to trash. PLUS, I really want to try and stick with this, and I know myself and I know that if I try and go all crazy all at once, I will be less likely to do so. It a pretty hard core change to try and follow this. Thats why I’ve never done it before. Because looking at the Endometriosis Diet list, after you exclude all the bad food, it really doesn’t seem like there is anything left. Especially not for a person that could live off of bean and cheese burritos.

Anyway, the other thing that I’ve decided to face today is that I am depressed. Like seriously depressed. Wow. Infertile AND Depressed. I’ve got TWO things goin on that one should NEVER talk about or tell people! Someone hang the shame curtain… I can’t get through a day without crying, multiple times, I can’t get through a day without telling myself that I am no good, that I am defective, that I will never have what I want most in the world. And it’s getting worse. Not better. This not normal behavior, but at least I realize this. I have struggled with depression in the past, and I can honestly say that this is far worse than anything I have been through before. I made a doctor appointment today. The soonest they can get me in Thursday, but hopefully Thursday I’ll be able to come up with a plan to get myself out of this fog. So not only will I be talking to doc about switching my BC, which is causing extreme acne as well as what I believe to be some sort of extra-psycho PMS, I will also be speaking to her about anti-depressants. My RE said to let my doc know that I will be trying to get pregnant probably at the beginning of the year, and that they should prescribe accordingly. Then I will just need to let my RE know what is prescribed so that they know if weaning off of an anti-depressant will be a part of my next cycle. One major thing that I am trying NOT to freak out about is weight gain with the anti-depressants. I had a hard time with Lexarpo in the past and when I switched to Wellbutrin because it didn’t have the weight gain effect, I found the Wellbutrin to be much less effective. (But I lost weight!) Thats another reason i REALLY want to get this healthy eating thing under my belt. I know, I know, don’t worry about weight, worry about getting healthy. Easy to say, but I know that gaining more weight will more than likely cause me to be more upset, feel worse about myself and have even lower self-esteem. I know that I have to be careful. Which is why I ate cheeseburger for dinner. (Wow! This chick really is nutso, she just went on and on about eating healthy and needing to feel good about herself and is now saying that healthy eating is why she ate a cheeseburger!) No but really, I ate a stupid burger and fries for dinner completely wiping out any good my crap work out did me today (STUPID ENDO PAIN!) and giving myself what will hopefully be my last dalliance with red meat and fried foods for a while.  Plus, I spent most of my day crying. It’s obvious that a burger and fries was the only reasonable dinner choice to restore and replenish whatever it is that your body loses when you spend all day in tears.

I was able to lay down with a heating pad, castor oil pack for an hour and now I have just the heating pad on my back. When I get the kid into bed I’ll be taking an epsom salt bath to hopefully relieve some of the tension in my lower back. Then I’ll be crawling into bed and hopefully sleeping the night through, waking up rested and able to actually pull myself out of bed and make it though a day without acting like some psycho PMS monster. Lofty goals, I know….

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About Tricia #GrowingUpNelson

First grandaughter, mother of two, lover of books and bad music, aspiring to be a mostly vegan always vegetarian. Nearly 365 days Xanax free and hating it. #GrowingUpNelson

6 responses »

  1. I’m so sorry. It’s been really hard for me to deal with infertility and depression. I hope you can find a way to start feeling better. I’m here if you need someone to talk to about it.

    Reply
  2. I’m sure I’m not the only one affected, seems reasonable that the two would go hand in hand. What crap, huh? Thank you so much for your kind posts. They mean a lot.

    Reply
  3. Hey, Linda told me about this food planning website called Thefresh20.com and it has a Gluten free plan. You should try it! Its all unprocessed foods, its inexpensive, and its really good!! (I’ve been doing the classic plan for 3 weeks and my whole fam loves the food-and I’ve lost 4 lbs) Its $5 per month for the plans, then it has grocery lists and detailed prep instructions. Its only for dinners, which is what u said u wanted to start with. Anyway, u should just check it out:-)

    Reply
  4. Wow I feel like I am reading about myself. I have struggled with depression off and on since I was 18. I also tried Lexapro and HATED it because of the weight gain. I am now on Wellbutrin. After the last failed cycle I went through a huge bout of depression and ended up seeing a therapist.

    I hope you are feeling better. Infertility is so brutal on those of us that already struggle with depression. And this is in response to another one of your posts, but I would be bugged too if I had only seen my doctor 3 times. My OBGYN was like that and I have already decided not to go back to her when I get pregnant. My RE is great. I always feel like I am important and that he is there to support me.

    Reply
    • Thanks for the comment!! I was on wellbutrin a while back but I didnt feel that it worked as well as it could have. When I asked the doc what was better she said Lexapro so I figured I’d deal with any weight gain later, as the most important thing was feeling better. And I finally am starting to feel better. Im actually laughing and joking again, and I MEAN IT! Its not just an act. I will also be seeing a therapist, my first appointment is this friday. I am REALLY trying to get my act together before we go into another cycle!

      Reply

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