Today I am going through the “what if I had used a different clinic”? phase of grieving. I don’t really think that this is an issue though, as I DID get pregnant. I don’t think that it matters that UCSD had a little bit of a higher success rate in 2009 than my chosen clinic did. I really think that they did everything they could. The progesterone support, prenatals, 4mg of folic acid and 1 baby asprin a day. I HAD all of the antibody testing done. CLEAN. I had the endometriosis taken out and I had the small septum at the tip of my uterus removed, as a safety. It was an insurance move on my part. I wasn’t letting ANYTHING keep that embryo from implanting. And it did. For a short while.
I didn’t exersize. I didn’t jump up and down. While everyone went out on the boat I sat on the shore. I didn’t drink, not even one glass of wine. I didn’t smoke or do illegal drugs or drive too fast. I tried to keep the cussing at a minimum, I worried as little as possible, I did acupuncture, I ate organically, and I didn’t take any warm baths. I talked to them. I coaxed them. I begged them to stay. I DID WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO. And so did the clinic, I think, cus IT WORKED. So why didnt either of them decide to stay? How come now, every time I see a halloween decoration (FYI, its barely September) it reminds me NOT of how much I love that my favorite holiday is coming up, but that March will come and go and there will be no baby coming home. I think thats the feeling of grief that I described in my last post. The physical reaction that I feel every time the realization hits me that March will come and go.