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Today I am going through the “what if I had used a different clinic”? phase of grieving. I don’t really think that this is an issue though, as I DID get pregnant. I don’t think that it matters that UCSD had a little bit of a higher success rate in 2009 than my chosen clinic did. I really think that they did everything they could. The progesterone support, prenatals, 4mg of folic acid and 1 baby asprin a day. I HAD all of the antibody testing done. CLEAN. I had the endometriosis taken out and I had the small septum at the tip of my uterus removed, as a safety. It was an insurance move on my part. I wasn’t letting ANYTHING keep that embryo from implanting. And it did. For a short while.

I didn’t exersize. I didn’t jump up and down. While everyone went out on the boat I sat on the shore. I didn’t drink, not even one glass of wine. I didn’t smoke or do illegal drugs or drive too fast. I tried to keep the cussing at a minimum, I worried as little as possible, I did acupuncture, I ate organically,  and I didn’t take any warm baths. I talked to them. I coaxed them. I begged them to stay. I DID WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO. And so did the clinic, I think, cus IT WORKED. So why didnt either of them decide to stay? How come now, every time I see a halloween decoration (FYI, its barely September) it reminds me NOT of how much I love that my favorite holiday is coming up, but that March will come and go and there will be no baby coming home. I think thats the feeling of grief that I described in my last  post. The physical reaction that I feel every time the realization hits me that March will come and go.


About Tricia #GrowingUpNelson

First grandaughter, mother of two, lover of books and bad music, aspiring to be a mostly vegan always vegetarian. Nearly 365 days Xanax free and hating it. #GrowingUpNelson

4 responses »

  1. Wish there was something I could say to help… The “why” can be SO difficult. Hugs!

  2. It is so hard when you start to second guess yourself. Be kind to yourself, you did everything right.

  3. I totally relate!!!! I just had the same experience as of last week and it is so painful. It does feel good to get those feelings out somewhere doesn’t it? I am hating the idea of Halloween coming up too, butbecause the idea of a bunch of adorable kids coming to my house all dressed up is a dagger to the heart. I asked by hubs not to put all of his decorations up this year. I thought that this would be our last time to have holidays alone.

  4. Jenna Belle-I am so sorry. It’s such a miserable feeling to get so close and have it taken away. I have found that blogging and talking to people who can relate is so helpful. It helps me know that I’m not alone-which is nice cus this infertility business gets lonely. It sucks tho to find that other people have the same heart ache I do. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I just wish I could wave a wand and make all of us have our babies.


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