What IS the time limit on grief? Can I please have a date? I miscarried on Aug 5th, so can we say by like Sept 17th maybe? Can that day be the point where i say to myself, “Ok, today is the day that everything is going to change. Today is the day that everything is going to go back to the way it was three years ago, before I ever suffered or knew that I would suffer such heartache”. When does the morning come that you wake up and you realize “HEY! What was I thinking?! I don’t EVEN WANT more kids! PSSHW,FEEEWWWEEEE, I got outta that one! Guilt over not providing son with a sibling?! HA! What guilt. Only children are LUCKY, I wish I had been an only child! Sure I love my brother, but pretty sure had he not been around I’d have gotten double the Christmas presents and certaintly a better car!”
I know that that is what people expect of me. To have this realization, this day. And dammit, I’m trying. But it’s barely been a month. And to want something so bad for so long, to finally achieve it, and then to have it ripped away from you is just, well, cruel. And after only 30 days, from the day you sat alone in the doctors office and cried because “the fetal heartbeat is just too low, I’m sorry”, well it’s still just to soon. IM SORRY. There will be some days that I will be on, and there’s will still be some in which I absolutely am not. IM SORRY.
So anyway I’m going to continue writing this blog but will no longer be publishing posts on Facebook. If you want to keep reading PLEASE go to my blog and subscribe. If not, that’s fine too. But I’d love to have you over there.