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Tic Toc

While I started this blog to complain about the barren wasteland that is my uterus, I do have other things that go on in my life. Wierd, I know, but I am not always consumed by the lack of fetal habitation in my uterus. Sometimes I obsess over son and and the things he does. The newest being the “tic” that conincedentally (or not) came about right after my miscarriage and d&c. Fast forward a little over three weeks and you will find us at the neurologist’s office. The way my son was acting, nervous, giggling, silly, all over the place, I was about 99.9% sure the diagnosis was gonna be ADHD. But alas, the diagnosis finally came back after THREE hours as a “mild tic disorder of genetic origion brought on by mentally and/or physically stressful situations. If left alone and not acknowledged, it should resolve on it’s own but can manifest differently and for different reasons at different times. It will most likely be something that he grows out of, but he could also have some form of a mild tic throughout his life during times of stress” Wierd, cus over the years he has picked up certain habits that husband and I thought “odd”, but never really thought too much of. Interestingly, they were all tics, Just not of the scary tic variety. However, this new tic, the head shake, WAS of the scary tic variety, and seemed indicative of a neurological issue. So to the doctor we went…

So anyway, as we wait for it to resolve I maintain my staunch effort to put on  my happy face, no talk of sadness with him around. I must bury the guilt I feel when I watch that little head twitch, just for that second, and not think Damn you, you selfish bitch, this is all your fault.  Had you not had surgery, had you not gone through the IVF, had you not told him you were pregnant, this wouldnt be happening. But maybe it would cus kids are smart. Even when you don’t tell them anything, they seem to know everything. He knows that the seed that God planted in my tummy couldnt grow but he doesnt know how that seed got there.  He does know that he had a lot of baby sitters cus mommy had to go to the doctor a lot, that daddy had to give mommy shots, and that mommy had a tummy ache a lot of the time . He knows that I am sad, which is why, as I said, my resolve, since the tic started has been to put on my happiest face. ( I say since the tic started cus hello, honorary doctorate in Medicine? yeah, I called that diagnosis too). He knows that daddy is stressed and that daddy is working a lot more than usual but doesnt understand that daddy took a new position with a lot more responsibility.

So I’m trying my hardest not to blame myself to death over it and to understand that it is the culmination of so many individual things. It’s life isn’t it? And sometimes life has a way of going in a direction that makes you want to throw your hands up and scream “F* YOU, life, for treating me this way!” And some days, I DO scream at life. But other days, like today and like yesterday, I just thank God that my son is otherwise healthy and does live a  happy life, and that the occasional twitch is just his 6 year old way of dealing with the occasional bump in the road.

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About Tricia #GrowingUpNelson

First grandaughter, mother of two, lover of books and bad music, aspiring to be a mostly vegan always vegetarian. Nearly 365 days Xanax free and hating it. #GrowingUpNelson

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