Yesterday was another another rough day and I’m not exactly sure why. VERY emotional. Cried a lot. We went to my son’s meet and greet in his new first grade class. I cried. I cried because my baby is so big and in first grade. I cried because the tiny baby siblings of last year’s classmates are now toddling around. I cried cus the moms who were pregnant at the end of his Kindergarten year were pushing strollers through the classroom door. I do not hold it against them, but it did make me sad for me. How do I get over feeling that way?
All I want to do is try again but at the same time I’m so terrified, I’m literally paralysed with fear over it. Does there come a point when you know you’re ready to try again or does it always feel this way and you just have to be brave and push through it? The other thing is that even though we paid for 2 cycles up front, we still have to pay for the ICSI and the medication. Appx 4k. I have 6 frozen, its 3600 for the transfer plus a few hundred for the meds. Again, 4k. How can I possibly ask for that when our new business is struggling, we already put out the 18k to try for the first time, My son’s birthday is coming, a “suprise gift” to Hawaii from my parents is just around the corner (and even though the airfair and rooming is paid, let’s face it, Hawaii is not the cheapest place to visit and I’m already stressed about that so close to the holidays), then after all of that an out of town wedding and then Christmas. I can’t bear the thought of ruining anyone of those experiences for anyone. But I also can’t bear the thought of not doing something to move forward toward realizing my dream. Which way do I go from here?
I think I’m going through the anger phase of grief. The “why me?” phase. Why can’t I have a baby like every other normal person on the planet? Thats how I am feeling today. And yesterday. I am feeling alone again. I’m feeling like I’m supposed to be fine and pretend that it never happened or that it doesnt matter that it happened. Remember my last post, the one where I said one of the things that I hate hearing more than anything is “Why cant you just be glad you already have one”? Well I heard that yesterday. And it made me so mad and so lonely. And so I will try not to say anymore or to complain too much or to cry in front of those around me.
Put on a smile and be happy even though your insides are tearing apart.
Reasons I can pretend I’m glad I do not have a baby right now:
- I don’t have to get up in the middle of the night anymore.
- I don’t have to pay for diapers or formula
- I can sit back and relax and enjoy my glass of pinot without having to jump up every 3 seconds to save a toddler from falling, drowning, getting cut, bruised, etc…
- My son is in school full time. I could get a job, I could go back to school, I could take up a hobby of my own.
- I can stay up til just about any time and as long as I can get up, make a pancake and chill with the kid on the couch, I’m good to go. Can’t necessarily do that with an infant.