So I guess I’ll start at the end cus thats where I’m at right now. The end of what you ask? I’m not sure. The end of a chance? The end of a short but much wanted pregnancy? The end of my rope? I guess if I was a glass half full person I could say that this is the beginning of a new chance. But I’m not. A glass half full person that is. I am sensitive and dramatic and sometimes a defeatest. I tend to expect the worst and secretly hope for the best. It’s a genetic trait. Ask anyone in my family. I try my hardest not to jinx anything. And I’m serious about it. There are two ways in which I jinxed this pregnancy. First, I told people about it after we saw our first healthy heart beat. Second, I bought bigger pants. I swear thats all it took. My belly was a growin, I bought new pants as not to use the rubber band through the belt loop method to keep them up, and bam. Two days later the fetal heart rate was down to 60, and two days after that it was gone. I can’t help but think that if I had just kept my pants up with that rubber band…
So what do you do when you’ve spent much of your life savings on IVF after trying unsuccessfully for nearly three years only to have a miscarriage? Heres what I have done so far:
- Cried and cried and then cried some more.
- Intermitently threw items in close proximity and repeatedly kicked the wall
- Yelled at God
- Refused to eat
- Ate a bunch of junk food
- Gathered all of my medical records and did research so that on the day of my confirmation ultrasound I could have a conversation with my specialist’s nurse that my husband could not follow or understand. I’m expecting my honorary Doctorate in Reproductive Medicine to come in the mail any day now.
- Railed against modern science. My honorary degree will be useless, as I firmly believe that reproductive medicine is a big crock of crap right now. But I suppose it’ll look good on my resume.
So where do I go from here? I really don’t know. Im 12lbs over weight. “What?!”